Just need someone too listen, just some support.

phoenixflames_forever · 08-10-2008, 08:54 PM

I think am slowly falling apart and as ever am too scared too speak too anyone because scared they'll just think am weak and stupid, but i can feel it right under my skin this emotion ready to explode.
It's been ten months since i lost my lovely dad suddenly and three months since i lost my precious gran.
Its really starting to eat at me now, its killing me because i dont know how i can live without them. Am meant to be the strong one in the family, the one that makes sure there all alright so how could i ever just breakdown in front of them and scream and let it all out, because it still hurts.
And now am back in my student house having to live with my bloody ex who broke up with me in may (on my dads birthday! and the day after my dog died!) because i cant afford to find somewhere else to live.
I keep trying to be positive but its just one thing after another and it never ends its this ****ing endless nightmare, and all i really want is too have last christmas back and then we'd all be together and everything would be alright. i have good days and bad days and on days like this i feel like i can barely breathe and i just wish i had someone there for me someone to hug, someone that doesnt expect me too be fine and get on with it.
Am sorry for posting but i jsut needed to say something.
i wish i could scream.

phoenix (sandy)

littlelou · 08-10-2008, 08:57 PM

sorry to hear about you dad and gran. just wanted to say im thinking of you **hugs**

irkeninvader · 08-10-2008, 09:59 PM

I'm sorry you're finding things so difficult. I think if you talked to someone, they wouldn't think you were weak or stupid. It sounds like you have been through a lot this year and it is understandable that you are struggling to cope. Could you speak to a councillor if you feel you have to be strong for your family? That way you get to speak to someone and get some help for yourself without worrying about how people see you *hugs*

phoenixflames_forever · 08-10-2008, 10:49 PM

Hey, thank you both for replying. i dont see a councellor because i had a bad experience with one when i was younger and its put me off quite a lot. However i have just found the courage to speak too an old friend from back home and consquently had an extremly emotional talk with them, which did help ease a lot of the tension that was building up inside me.
I jst get too frightened sometime too speak too people i like to have my guard up and not let on how vunrerable i really can be sometimes.
i just keep having these childish wishes and dissapering inside my head, because sometimes its a lot better than facing reality.
thank you both again *hugs*

sparklyshoes · 08-10-2008, 11:11 PM

The thing is with councellors not everyone is gonna click with one person and some are just conceited under qualified twats. I would really try and push yourself towards getting some help.

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

cruse offer bereavment councelling, I don't know if you feel that would be relevant or not? But they also have some resources on their site. Hope it helps x

phoenixflames_forever · 08-10-2008, 11:32 PM

yeah i got a really concieted one who rambled off into stories of her childhood and why hers was so much worse, and i wasnt SHing too bad in her esteemed opinion just looking for a way to skip maths...
Just had a look at the link btw thanks i've never rung a helpline before but its good too know its there and i can just email them as well, which i might really need to do as it approaches December. My head is such a mess at the moment though, am never sure what i need from one moment to the next.

xxx

littlelou · 09-10-2008, 12:39 PM

glad you managed to find someone to talk to. i would contact cruse bereavement sooner rather than later as they can have a waiting list for counsellors. my partners auntie had to wait about 6 months to see someone. it might be worth finding out if they do have a waiting list.

another option might be through the university your at as most provide a student counselling service.

i know how you feel about not getting on with them tho i saw a shrink when i was younger and didnt really get on with them. makes all the difference if its someone you like.

sorry long rant