I can't Breathe

[Slip]

I can't... I'm in real trouble I can't keep it all in I don't have enough energy to keep up this appearance - i can feel the cracks. what the **** am I gonna do?

[WickedPoet667]

hey, sorry i didn't see this sooner...here to talk if you need me

[one_step_closer]

Let it out here if you can, we are here to support you. What's happening? Please take care.

[shadowedseraph]

*hugs* tell us whats wrong sweet heart we're here for you

[Slip]

Panic attack Haven't had one of those in a couple of years sorry if i worried .

I'm ok - just a bit shaky. xxx

____________________

Its all a lie - I'm so not in a good place...**** it.

[Margo]

*pounces*

A good pounce heals all *nods*

I could perform my rendition of the fall of the Berlin Wall using the medium of modern contempory dance for you if you like to take your mind off things.

*goes to find black leotard and tights*

[irkeninvader]

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about anything. Try to take care of yourself *hugs*

[skyran]

*gentle hugs*
hope you're feeling a little better?
my pm box is open if you want to chat or rant or anything.

sky xx

[Slip]

Matthew that would help I think...

I just don't know what is wrong with me! It just seems that the everyday functioning human being that I am to the outside world is not really doing what it should anymore & the small child that sits in a dark place & rocks back & forth is becoming more & more prevalent.

I got real drunk again last night & was 2 hours late for work this morning... everything is crumbling...

[#Blade#]

Hey Slip, you know where I am if you need to talk x

[Margo]

Ah Deb thats not good to hear!

The thing to do is not to repress that child! Listen to her and nurture and comfort her.

Make an appointment with the doctor/psych or whoever. Its okay to be scared. Its okay to feel little and vulnerable. Its natural and normal.

I know its hard. I really do. *thinks of own therapy*....i really do.

Big hugs (still in leotard)

Matthew xxx

[Slip]

This is how yesterday went.... **COULD TRIGGER EVERYTHING**

I decided that I had enough, I went to lunch with a friend he asked me how I was & I said I was fine...of course I did. programmed response.

But then he offered to give me a lift home that evening (its about an hour & a bit's journey) after I had seen my mother. He had made plans & I told him that he didn't have to change them & he said that he could go & get his hair cut & have dinner with his friend while I was at my mum's & then he could come & get me after...I told him he didn't have to, but he insisted.

Anyway - I decided that I was going to tell him everything, exactly what trouble I was in while we were on our way home, all it would take is those 3 little words...I need help...It would have been hard they are the hardest words for me to say but once i had said them that would be it we would be in the car & I wouldn't be able to escape & I would have had to spill.

So he dropped me at my mum's house & went to do to his thing at about 5.45. at 7.30 my mum asked when we will be leaving because turned out she had to go out to met my aunts, so I text my friend & said my mum has to go out at 8, shall I take the train? the response back was "I'm in the middle of having me haircut" that was it...ok you think thats not to bad because he was doing me a favour & you know...it really wasn't I took the train. I was only slightly pissed at him because if I had known I was taking the train I would have only stayed an hour max at my mums so i wasn't home to late.

But what happened?

I got irrationally angry with him - why? because he let me down...WTF???? because he wasn't there for me to talk to when I needed him! but of course thats stupid because he didn't know that I needed him so he didn't let me down because he didn't know there was any letting down to do...but there it was... however because I knew in my head that I was being irrational & it was in no way his fault but i was still consumed with the rage I became...guess, you'll never guess... of course you will... angry at myself of being so angry at him for something that was in no way his fault. (I was also pissed at myself of not doing something when I got to my mum's & for some reason I knew i wouldn't see him again that evening (because people never do what you think they will so if you don't expect them to do what they say they are going to you aren't disappointed!) & I actually wanted to just throw my arms around him & tell him not to leave me but instead I just came out in a cold sweat & went inside) So anyway...when I got to the station I paid 20p or whatever it was to go & throw up the jacket potato my mum made me & sat in a cold dark station dragging my finger nails up & down my thigh because I'm selfish & pathetic & totally retarded & ****ing stupid to think that telling anyone of any of this was a good idea because then I get pissed at them for no being there even when they don't know I need them to be & getting into more & more trouble as the 45 minutes I sat there waiting for the god damn train passed. THEN... I sat on the train for an hour & a half (it should take 45 minutes) banging my head against the window in time with the trains movement - pretending to sleep & when the train was stationary I pressed all my body weight on to the window through my head, all to stop the ball of fire in my throat from turning to tears because I didn't think that if I started crying I would be able to stop.

When I finally got home at 11.13pm! I downed 2 glasses of wine & went to bed!

I'm in so much ****ing trouble...the only thing wrong with me is ME! I'M THE CAUSE OF MY PROBLEMS! How do you get rid of yourself??

I already know the answer! Death although appealing isn't an option, so that leaves disassiocation... & how do I do that??????? Shall we think about it? Hmmmmm I know I know!!... DAMN IT!

Also I worked out (I think in the back of my mind) that this friend of mind & my wife have been talking about things that I told my friend which sucks because now I can't talk to them so all the above was in vain & I am still totally ****ed!

See what I mean, totally logical but totally irrational. I'm so totally screwed!

Someone take me out to the barn & shoot me now!! please! I don't wanna hurt like this anymore!!

Thanks for watching!
DE xxxx

[Slip]

ohmygod oh my god og my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my gof oh my god oh my god on my god oh my god oh my ogd oh my hof og my god i;m osrry but there is nothing else to do, i cant breathe....

just keet typeing just keep typing focus focdus i know i can do it i know i can just have to focus just kep typing just keep typing consentrate just consentrate type fiocus oh my god just keep wrting there is nothing left just keep writing typing there is nothing left typing writing reading watching inhaling spinning wartching typeing just keep writing typing breathing inhaling watching hurting loving crying anything but just focus. why can't i do this emotional weakness emotion is weakness i am weak i am weak & pathetic & just keep getting it so wrong a war in my head hurts my heart i've totally fallen apart and no one can help me because im to stuborn to shout for when so now i am at my desk having a panic attack and it doesn't matter because no one cares to see it and there is nothing i can do it is al i can do to stop it i just so desperate ti cry but i never will because emotions are weak emtions are pathetic and i am neither of those things because debbie has be strong because she got told emotion is weakmess she deserves nothing she is nothing i have no idea why i am even bothering to write this i guess it is something to right while i si her concentrating on breathing i hate breathing it hurts my heart i so ****ing gross i feel like i am dissolving soon there iw soing to be nothing left.

[Casper_Fading]

*cuddles lots* i'm sorry you're hurting honey. i wish I had words to fix it but I just want you to know I read it and am thinking of you :)