I'm having a really rough time right now. My whole support system is down and it's the worst possible timing. My boyfriends cell phone isn't working right now and I haven't heard from him in three days and I'm really worried. I'm sitting here going over in my head why I should or shouldn't go to class in the morning. And it's just a constant struggle to stay away from SI. I've got so much on my plate right now I'm really wishing I hadn't gone back to school...
Can you go to your boyfriends house and see why he Isn't answering? Are you talking about the way you feel to anyone? Because it would really help or try writing it down to get it out.
well, his apartment is an hour away and I have class in the morning. My mom is supposed to help me find new doctors in my new town sometime this week, but i'm not sure if that will really happen. I've been talking to Josh (my boyfriend) about it but haven't had a chance in a few days because he had drill (he's in the national guard) and has no phone at the moment.
So day 4 and no call from him so far, I'm gonna have to drive out to his place after class tomorrow if he doesn't call. I'm really worried. I just got a call from his roommates girlfriend and she said that he (his roommate) called last night really early in the morning telling her he was moving in to some other friends house. So he's ditching Josh and he already can't afford the apartment. I'm freaking out and really need to talk to him but I can't.
Josh got evicted last week, he's been hopping between friend's apartments and trying to find somewhere more permanent. His grandparents got him a pre-pay phone for emergencies, which includes keeping me from going out of my mind worrying. But I still worry of course, because I'm a worrier, and he's got no home so there's reason to worry...
Aside from coming to my parents house for the weekend and going to see Josh this past Friday I've only left my apartment once in the past two weeks and that was because my sister forced me to go to dinner with her, and that involved me skipping way too many classes, and now I'm afraid to go back, so I'm back in the endless cycle of anxiety about classes... And even thinking about going back to class is starting to freak me out so I'm stopping now.
I don't have anything to say, I just wnat you to know i'm thinking fo you and i totaly undersytand the anxiety. *cuddles* PM me if you need to rant to/at someone!
Jess
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Thanks.
Day is better, day is always better, there's less time to think. Unfortunately the ok-ness of the days of weekends at home are always tainted with the knowledge that when night comes along, or when I go back to my apartment for the week, all of the normality will go away again. I'm going to focus on the few hours of being home I have left for now though, keep the night in the night. I get to go see my grandma today. I'll be back later I'm sure.
I can't sleep. It's 4am and I can't get to ****ing sleep! This is ridiculous. I should be able to sleep, sleep is the best, sleep is where I'm safe, being awake at night is what's dangerous, but no, my body won't let me to the safe place.
Josh managed to shock me and be a typical guy today... something he NEVER does. He forgot to call me tonight like he'd promised, so I finally got sick of waiting and called him, and he had already gone to bed. Right, thanks for saying goodnight like you promised...
I suppose he's got a good excuse though, life's been a little bit more than stressful for him lately.
I'm rambling and can't focus on the screen anymore... But noooo, no sleep for me. If I cut I'd be able to sleep afterwards, but I can't give in... I can't add more stress to Josh's life, he doesn't need to have to worry about me too.
Hey sweetheart.
Although I dont have anything to say that can help,
I just want you to know I read what you wrote, and I am thinking of you.
You are such a strong person.
I am always a PM away. Or if I am online you can talk to me.
I don't bite.
Love you
Gemz
xxxxx
Today was drama filled, apparently my best friend cheated on his fiance, another best friend of mine, with another good friend of mine... I dunno, confusingness.
Tonight isn't bad yet.
Freaking out... frantically searched the room for my knife and now I'm just sitting here... I don't know, I really want to but I don't think I can bring myself to do that to Josh...
I have to leave the apartment again tomorrow, or technically today, it is 3am after all... I have to take my sister to the airport. I don't want to go, I just wanna stay in bed like I did today, it's so comfy.
Heylo again.
Sorry to keep commenting when I can talk to you quite easily online, but I wanted you to know that someone was reading, and listening, and caring.
I love you muchly
Sending massive safe cuddles.
Gemz
xxx
I feel bad taking up space here when other people need it more... I feel like I'm the kid who just whines for the sake of whining...
It's 5am and I haven't slept yet, this is the worst case of not being able to sleep yet, I'm not even tired. I just cleaned my bathroom, which I hate doing, because I just needed something to do. I can't stop MOVING! I've finally been able to force myself to lay in bed, turn off my lights, turn on my "calm light" (don't ask, long story involving calming ambient lighting and my sisters) and turn on some calming music but I still can't stop. I feel like my heart is pounding way faster than normal, but that makes no sense. I've tried calling Josh like 6 times because he'd be able to talk me down, but he's not answering, which is understandable because sane people are sleeping at this hour... I wanna go for a walk, but it's not safe in the dark alone. UGH!
Hiya hunny.
*gives you cuddles*
Im sorry I havn't been much help over the last couple of days.
But, I loves you. And you are a strong person. Maybe keep drinking hot chocolate before you go to bed. Or have a hot bath or something? NOT a shower though because they wake you up more.
Gemz
xxxxxx
So I had a much needed, but very painful, conversation with my mother today. It was about me going back to therapy, which I brought up at first, and apparently she had been doing some research, which means she's over thinking I don't need it.
On the good side: I've got my mothers help getting me back to seeing psychiatrists and therapists. On the bad side: We have to find someone new as I'm in a new town and can't make it back to my old one frequently enough, and I have to go back to seeing psychiatrists and therapists.
I don't know whether I'm looking forward to this or dreading it.
My mom made me talk about things I'd much rather avoid, and it was painful, and it's had me thinking about them all day, which is bad, and now I can't sleep... again. Yay
I should be so happy right now... my best friend had a beautiful, healthy, baby boy not even 4 hours ago, and I got to be one of the first people to meet the gorgeous little one! I even managed one of my greatest fears, hospitals, with only one panic attack, and it was on my way there, sure someone had to come outside and walk in with me, but that's a big deal! In a hospital for 3 hours with only one panic attack? I should be happy.
So why the **** am I so damn depressed?! I was in an awesome mood earlier, I have every reason to still be in an awesome mood, but NO, of course not! I can't just stay happy. **** that... I'm not allowed to be happy. As the song that my iTunes just went to reiterates that point and stabs me in the ****ing heart...
I should be safe right now, it's been an amazing weekend... why can't I just be safe from myself like I have been for the past few days? It sucks...
So my mom made me an appointment with one of the school counselors, except there's a 3 week wait. We're also working on finding me a new psychiatrist, and the one my old psychiatrist suggested to us was an adolescent psychiatrist... Really Dr. A? REALLY?? I've only been seeing her for how long? Like 4 years? I'm 19 now, almost 20, realize it! She's the only ****ing adolescent psychiatrist who will have anything to do with me, and that's because I've been with her since I was young enough to be.
I told my mom about my going to school issues, which is why she's finally getting around to helping me find support closer to where I am living now. I guess it's a good thing, but it results in awkward conversations I'd rather not be having.
