Triggering (OD) - Very low

[phoenixflames_forever]

Hey,
I've never posted in the vets forum before but you all seem to be very supportive. Am sorry if this is out of place or i shouldnt be on here, but am so low tonight i just needed to let something out before i curl up and give in.

I dont if i'm really worth it anymore it you understand what am saying, what do i matter?

This year has reached new lows that i thought i could never cope with like some long extended nightmare and i've always kept trying alwyas thought that maybe would be bigger and better just round the corner but you know what there not my feelings have just become more trapped intensified and lonely. Its not like i think i cant do it anymore but the question is more do i really want to and i keep thinking no.

I dont know how too let peoplein in fact interaction with people terrifies me, i hate myselfso badly after speaking to people because i always see myself as one giant joke. Fat joke. Ugly joke. Miserable joke.
Sometimes i hate myself so much i cant breathe. Or grief and anger take me over and yet again am suffocating and it never gets any better.

I dont even know what i want to gain from this knew was that i needed to say just something.

[skyran]

well first of all, welcome to vets :)
and you have no need to apologise, for anything.
i get what you mean about not knowing if you're worth it, i feel like that about myself sometimes, but we are all worth it, we're all worth fighting for, and we all do matter, it's just hard to see or remember sometimes.

i'm sorry you've had such a tough year *hugs*, but you have made it, you are still surviving, and still here......you said you never thought you could cope with what's gone on, but the fact that you're here, and posting / reaching out shows that you're still fighting. i think that maybe you're far stronger than you realise *more hugs*
dealing with things on your own can be really tough though- do you see a therapist or anything? or have anyone that you talk to about how you're feeling? i'm guessing not from how you speak about finding it difficult to let people in. if you can, keep posting here, you can say as little or as much as you want. i was quite timid when i joined, but started to post bits and pieces, then eventually was able to pluck up the courage to go and see my therapist.....writing things down (and letting people in) on here was really helpful, and a good first step. it's still really hard, but there is progress, and it helps to know that there are people around on here to provide support and encouragement.

please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
pm any time you want to chat / rant or just want company.

sky xx

[phoenixflames_forever]

hey sky,

Thanks for the reply, i dont have anyone to talk to such as a therapist but at the moment i just dont want too see one anyway i get frustrated quickly and feel ashamed when i talk, i like to pick myself apart.
This is as far as i can let my feelings go for now but thats better then never speaking.

last night i was really low but in the end i didnt do anything too harmful, but i just needed to let some stuff out before i did go into full self destruct mode.

I'm feeling slightly calmer this afternoon, but am the kind of person that will get all worked up through the day and then have a bad night, thats when i let everything get too me.

But posting on here does help vent out a little of my feelings and if i can go away from it feeling slightly calmer then it's worth i dont know how long it will work for but it helped for now. And of course its always nice to see that someone cared and replied to your post. Am sorry i dont make much sense for now i just feel like i cant speak properly at the moment. I fear being rejected even by people on this sight.

Thank you agin for your reply and of course if you ever need to talk am here too xxxx