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Triggering (SI) - Just musing out loud - *also rant, and Adult*
I apologise in advance if this doesn't make sense, is disjointed and just generally rambly...
It's this weird thing right, because I'm actually wondering what other people think on this issue. But I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and in part, I think it was due to a totally useless appointment with my current P-Doc, which was the straw that broke the camel's back and led to my current relapse on the SI front...
Anyway...about two and a half years ago now, after years of SI and other psychological problems, I was diagnosed (or diagnonsensed, your choice) with Bipolar II. It actually took an admission to hospital for SI and then living in a woman's refuge before anyone at any CMHT would take notice of my case. At first, I was relieved to have a name for what was wrong and a team that were to help me get my life back on track, but the more time passes, the more I'm actually wondering about the accuracy of that diagnosis and actually, about my P-Doc in general.
The recent appointment I had with my P-Doc was actually the first I'd had in some time, since he cancelled twice for reasons I don't know, and then I had to cancel an appointment for reason that I was not in the country for the appointment. Because it had been some time since I'd seen him, I expected that we'd be retreading some things. But that's it. We didn't and honestly, he seemed really disinterested in my case, didn't ask for any of the stuff he'd asked me to do at the last appointment - like make a mood diary - and then proceeded to basically infer that I was mooching off the state and should go back to work. (Nice, because I have a medical board meeting with the Gestapo, a.k.a. the DWP, next week. I think I need to speak to the Disability Advisor so I don't get royally screwed over by a disinterested - and I'm starting to think, incompetant - shrink.)
It just left me thinking - "What is the ****ing point?" Everything I try to do to turn my life around, someone comes along to pull the rug out from underneath me. I mean, at one time, I had a CPN, a support worker and a P-Doc, but the CPN was useless and didn't really work with me in any way that was valuable. And the support worker was withdrawn once I started to get the tiniest bit better at managing my own stuff.
I admit that I don't help myself sometimes. I have a real shitty rate of compliance to medication - mainly because I'm suffering from physical health problems that are made worse by the side effects of the psych meds and also, because my GP is the biggest asshole who makes every complaint I make about the fact that I have a mental illness. As a result, nothing physical is actually getting fixed because I'm tired of being told that feeling constantly exhausted and being in pain is 'all in my head'. And because I avoid seeing him, being medicated lasts all of the amount of time the P-Doc's prescription does.
I know that if I want to make any progress, I need to see a T and to get a new GP. I need these issues sorting. I need my physical problems seeing to. I know this will help me get a better grip on the mental stuff.
I have the details for a GP, but at this stage in my life, I've had a real ****ing titful of medical professionals. All they ever seem to do is lie and/or undermine whatever small bit of progress I make. I just feel like phoning this GP up and giving him a great opening speech about how I loathe all doctors, and if he's the kind that is full of ****, can he kindly tell me now cos I've had enough of that kind of GP. As to the T, my P-Doc is supposed to be referring me but said it'll take time - something I've come to associate as a euphemism for being bullshitted. A GP told me that once about a P-Doc referral - which I found out hadn't been placed when I was admitted to a psych unit. I'm thinking about finding out about private Ts just because I do not trust anything to do with anyone who works for the NHS anymore.
Sheesh, that makes me sounds real paranoid...but at the moment, I'm in a real state of MEH about anything to do with it. Getting clean and stopping SI was so ****ing hard and it just feels like everything that I got into place is falling into pieces and I don't have the means - or even the will - to stop it any more.
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