Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Help me, I cant remember :'( *UPDATED*

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

The following content has been hidden - Reason : I've never told ANYONE this & I'm scared no one will beleive me

Once, when I was younger, a lot younger, my dad was tucking me into bed.. & I was ill & he was kissing me goodnight on my cheek & then he started kissing my neck & biting me & I remember shouting at him becuase it hurt but he just laughed & said shhhh, go to sleep & started stroking my hair & he wouldn't stop I've mentally blocked out the rest, I can't remember what happened after that, its just blank. I remember the next day feeling SO strange & different & ashamed of something & now whenever I'm alone with him I panic... I'm scared I don't know what happened
What happened to me Why can't I think??

[I am a cat]

Hunnie I am not sure why you cant rememeber..sometimes when bad things happens, our brains have a way of blocking them out to protect us, what you are probably experiencing now is a flashback??

Your safe you no....Im here.

Try and get some sleep hunnie, keep your light on??

Your seeing your therapist in the morning, amybe have a chat with her about it, write it down.

Love you
xxx

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Thanks baby

All this time I've kinda just brushed it off & thought I must ahve gone to sleep. But I've had my mum ask me a couple of times when I was younger if my dad have ever.... done things
I just wish I knew... I dunno

[I am a cat]

I know, but you cant beat yourself up about it, you were young Helen, it will be very diffilcult to remember because you probably didnt understand at the time.

[BoundNoMore]

*safe cuddles*

[ashlee_118]

*cuddles* Sammi is right hun you were younger and as he said it was ok and you trusted him you didnt know then. take care helen
xoxo

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Yeah... but I don't know what happened thats the thing & what if nothing happened & I'm just being stupid.
& I can't tell my therapist because I don't know what happened, not for sure...

[ghosts in the machine]

Well you could tell her what you've written so far, maybe? And then see where you go from there.

I know it's incredibly frustrating not having the whole picture, and knowing that it's in there, the memory, you just can't access it right now. But you can't force it to come back, you just gotta.. give it time.

[Isoverity]

I cant speculate about what more might have happened aside from what you mentioned but just with what you described you Dad tempted you to resent him and that always causes conflict in a kid. When a parent goes from greatest protector to possible threat and a kid develops hostility to them it really flips the psyche so its no wonder you may have felt different the next day. You don't have to love him but don't hate him either - for your sake and not his.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

I just don't understand...if something did happen & I've mentally blocked it out... what am I meant to do? I can't look at him the same again Hes my dad,, he can't do that. I didn't manage to tell my therapist either...

[Spoons]

not being able to remember things, im th same i have big gaps where im pretty sure something happened but not 100%, i dont bring that up in therapy because, what if its all in my head.

But theres a good chance that its not, regardless the effect it is having on you is huge and so it probably would be good to discuss it.

Keep strong

[lozstar88]

aw sweetie I am so sorry *holds you close*
you must feel terribly confused and scared...usually when you can't remember things it's your minds way of protecting you from something you are not quite ready to deal with...
I hope you are okay baby doll!
I'm only a PM away if you need to talk, you know that
I love you
xoxoxox
(sorry I'm not much help hunni :( )

[rustedchains]

I think our brains block things out until we are ready to process them. Our bodies know us better than we think we do.

[troubleshooter]

I really think you should tell your therapist the bits you remember. I'm sure s/he can help you work through it and figure out what happened. *hugs* It's not your fault you can't remember or if anything happened honey.

[bobbiwibble]

Regardless of whether or not it did happen, there are obviously going to be issues now between you and your father.. and they need to be talked through with your counsellor :) so even if you eventually realise that nothing really bad happened, it's still something you need to work out :)
xxxxxbobbib

[Sleepless123]

im sorry.It sounds like your having a really tough time with this Helen.Could you print out this post for your therapist maybe and then perhaps you can work through things together?Its just you have explained things so well here and i know you might find telling your therapist really hard understandably.Would that make it any easier or at least managable?Just an idea.i understand that you may not feel comfortable with it though and thats ok too.Just try and do things at your own pace and when your ready but it may well be that she can help you with this.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Thank you guys.

I want to bring up all the sexual abuse/rape with my therapist next week, I see her on tuesday. I just, have no idea how to start it, where do I start? I mean I can't just walk in there & say 'I want to talk about the SA" I just don't feel I can do that... Any ideas? I don't like printing things off either

[bobbiwibble]

actually doing that might be the best thing to do - get it over with straight away rather than having to edge towards saying that? :)
or might he/she say 'what do you want to talk about' when you go in there?

Otherwise just say that there's something you need to talk about but you don't know how to bring it up. In my experience they'll be able to figure it out :)
Good luck :) xcxxxxxxxxbobbib

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

She always starts with "How was your week" or "How have you been feeling this week" *thinks*

[bobbiwibble]

say 'worried' ^_^ and then she'll probably ask if there's any particular reason? :)