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Adult - Physical and emotional hermitude
Hi everyone, I'm back.
Hermitude was not a word until a couple seconds ago but you know what I mean.
I haven't been around because I've been in the process of quitting my meds and pretending that everything that was supposedly "wrong" with me was just one big lie. It's worked out swimmingly, let me tell you. I suddenly stopped being suicidal all the time. Quit SI-ing. Quit having depressive episodes and rapid cycling.
Only thing is, I'm so shut off from everyone.
I don't want to have sex and the very thought of any sort of sexual relationship makes me cringe.
I don't want to go out.
I'm sleeping too much and getting very fat.
It's beginning to occur to me that maybe it wasn't a lie, but how do I know?
I was diagnosed with Bipolar II (=you're crazy but in that no-mans-land sort of way) about 2 years ago. I was sure that I had had a couple "hypomanic" episodes, and I certainly had depressive ones. But heres my question:
What if hypomanic is just who I am and sometimes I'm a little higher than others? What if I'm just depressed because I'm one of those pathetic people who don't have a clinical disease but convince everyone that they do by accident? What if this entire diagnosis was completely wrong? I'm off meds and it's nice but if I'm wrong then I could end up in the clinker. If I'm right and I keep taking them, then I can't afford health insurance and I can't afford rent and it's all because of a lie.
I guess this isn't a question and I don't know what kind of response I'm looking for, but since I haven't really been talking to anyone I thought maybe I should say something for my own benefit. Ah, f*** it.
Someone just call me a liar and tell me to stop bothering you so I can stop asking questions please.
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