feelings for therapist- help dealing

prophecygirl · 24-09-2008, 11:57 PM

hi guys, just wondering can anyone offer some insight, help or advice on how to deal with a BIG issue i have.

i have been seeing my therapist now for 2 years. i have BPD, PTSD and depression and i've seen more than 20 professionals in the past and none of them helped. i've finally found someone i trust, believe in and get on with.

the problem is after fighting it for so long i've become really dependent on her. as i know that the BPD makes me really clingy and needy in relationships, i was really trying to avoid this happening with my therapist. i've managed to avoid it happening with others by just stopping making friends and avoiding people. but i can't avoid her and now- i've finally crumbled.

i have really intense feelings for her. i want to be with her all the time. i live for the hour every week i get her sole attention. i am jealous of everyone else she has contact with, i want her to be there to comfort me all the time, and i worship the ground she walks on. i wish she was my mother and hate when she talks about her own kids.

now, i know about tranferance and all the textbook explanations of whats going on and have also talked to her about it. she's comforting, accepting and lovely about it- but that makes it worse. the more she's nice to me, the more i love her. then i act like a compete bitch to her to push her away and she just accepts me and doesn't react. she's faultless, and unlike everyone else ever, not open to my manipulation.

i have this intense pain all the time and an aching need for her. i can't cope anymore with it. i don't know what to do.

has anyone ever felt anything similar? i understand what's happening, but how do i cope with these horrible feelings and how to i get over wanting her and thinking about her all the time. the agony and need are suffocating.

sorry to go on. this is the worst i have felt in a long, long time and i don't know what to do.

has anyone got any advice at all on how i can get this pain to stop?

Revival · 25-09-2008, 12:37 AM

Hi,
these feelings for your therapist are perfectly normal and you will find that a lot of people have them, which doesnt make them easier to deal with but just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
I think the best thing that you can do is be honest and open with her about it, which you've done, and you should be proud of that because I know it's not easy.
Sorry I really dont have much advice, I think the best thing to do is keep talking to her about it and see if together you can work out a way through this.
take care sorry for the rubbish reply
xx

Stellata · 25-09-2008, 07:46 AM

You're learning about relating, managing developmental tasks you probably never got to complete growing up, and the therapy relationship is a safe space to do that.
It's hard, it's painful. And it's ok.
It sounds like you're scared of closeness. Really scared. There're valid reasons for that. The therapy relationship can help you start to trust closeness more.

Aidee · 25-09-2008, 08:51 AM

Have you mentioned this to your therapist at all? While she may be able to guess what is going on in your head, all these emotions and feelings that you have going on in your head are probably getting in the way of your therapy.

The fact that your feelings are making your mental state worse is counter productive to why you are seeing her in the first place, and it sounds like this is something that you need to talk about with her so you can work through your feelings.

Tomorrowwillcome · 25-09-2008, 09:37 AM

I am BPD and I am hopelessly dependant on my therapist and GP and I have certainly been nasty to my therapist even to the point of leaving nast messages on her answer phone, but would be devastated if she dumped me.

I had the feelings you discribe about my last GP who finally dumped me last summer because of it. I'm afraid I'm not much help as I am still trying to come to terms with it, I tried to get her struck off. I think that BPD just makes us hopeless cases, certainly does me. I hope that at some point therapy will help.

I find it impossible to talk about feelings like this in therapy and if you can then it is probably the only way you are going to be able to get past it

Sorry for not being any help

lozstar88 · 25-09-2008, 09:54 AM

hey hun,
firstly *big hugs* and sorry you are feeling this way.
Secondly I'm sorry but I'm not going to be much help either...I just wanted to say thank-you for posting because I thought I was the only one who felt this way too...you articulated what I couldn't...it sucks and I know how hard it is...so you're not alone in the way you feel.
Sorry for this stupid post...maybe it will help you a lilttle bit like it helped me to know that you are not alone in the way you feel.
xox
PM me anytime
Loz

prophecygirl · 25-09-2008, 07:25 PM

Guys, please don't apologise for your posts. They are all helpful. Everyone of them. Your support is great and it's so comforting to know that I am not the only one struggling with this. I'm not alone and that means so much to me.

Thank you all so much.

I have done a lot of writing about how I feel and I'm going to read it to my therapist next week. A really scary prospect, but hopefully she'll accept it, be able to deal with it and help me through it.

thanks again guys

Sleepless123 · 25-09-2008, 07:36 PM

ive felt a lot like this before at times in the past too and each time i have really struggled with it and it has ended badly for me.But i never seem to learn.Anyway i just wanted to say i can relate and that your post.Sorry this post was probably rather pointless of me!Thanks for sharing and if you want to talk anytime im here.i think you were very brave to tell your therapist so well done and im glad she was understanding.i hope that you can work through it together.

lostandalone3 · 28-09-2008, 10:33 AM

Hey,

I think that these feelings are normal. Of course you are going to want to see them more etc, as they are prob the only person who you can talk to and who listens and genuienly cares
Maybe when you feel a bit better this dependence and wanting other stuff from your therapist will fade.
I just say that from personal experience as when i am really unwell going to my appointment is something i look forward to the whole week, and i wish the session would last forever. But when i am feeling better i dont really think aboout my appointments or therapist except on the days i see them. If that makes sense
She obviouolsy understands your disorder and accepts that it may make you act and say things that you wouldnt normally say thats why she is so accepting. You sound very lucky to have such a good rapport with her

mazer34 · 19-10-2008, 06:40 PM

I have been seeing my T for 2 years and have exact same feelings for her too,no way can I tell her and Im finishing in december

slacker · 19-10-2008, 09:55 PM

when was loving someone ever a crime? its a thing of beauty and something to be proud of. having deep feelings are natural and we learn quickly to make them taboo because of experiences of shame, guilt, humiliation

but having the bpd label and symptom cluster means that we're vulnerable in that way. it means if we do have the strength to share, that those there to care for us, professionally in particular, are honour-bound to be sensitive, respectful and supportive to us in what is a deep struggle

therapists who see bpd people are almost certainly going to expect this kind of thing to come up. it may be your therapist can tell without you saying

the big step is to say how you feel and know, deep down, that this is a beautiful vulnerability which is open to abuse and when that happens, it causes overwhelming responses within us

being loving to yourself for being who you are is possibly a way forward. self acceptance is a pretty tough thing but with your therapist its more possible because of the safety within that relationship