Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Borderline personality disorder

[queenofveg]

Hi....


Um....I am worried. And scared.

I am terrified of the way I feel, the people I stand to lose because I'm too messed up...terrified that SI being my outlet will alienate people when it feels like it's all I have left when I'm desperate. I don't want to lose anyone else over this but it's a cycle.

I feel bad. Therefore I self-harm. I talk to people who I think will understand about things and they can't deal with it. And so I feel like self-harming. So I talk to people to try and prevent it. They get stressed out and worried about me and nearly lose their minds worrying over me. I feel guilty for causing all of this. Therefore I feel like self-harming....it never ends. My best friend never speaks to me anymore because he's had enough and can't deal with me anymore.

I have harboured the suspicion for years that I have BPD. I have been doing a little research on it and all the symptoms are like a storybook of my life.

Does anyone else suffer from this? If so....what happens when you get a diagnosis?

I am seriously considering going back to the GP and getting a referral to a new psychiatrist so I can finally get some answers. But I'm so scared that if people know what I am really like they will attempt to make me stop work to go into treatment - I can't drop everything and disappear off the face of the Earth again. My job is the only thing that keeps me sane. When I'm at work, it's the only time I feel like a real person with a purpose. I work overtime to try and feel useful and like I'm not a bad person. The rest of the time I just wander around like a ghost feeling like I'm not really here.

Please help guys, I'm confused and upset and needing some support.

[Casper_Fading]

I have BPD though I have only just realy told people here bout it. I know where you're comign in this... my doctor was very reluctant to give me the diagnosis becasue many times it's used as an fudged diagnosis.... they dont know what else to say sort of thign.

if you really and truly think this is what you have, go back to yuor gp and talk to them.

you're not alone.

*hugs*

[queenofveg]

Thanks Jess. I think I need to at least try and make some changes and get the help I need. I'm just too stubborn to admit I need it sometimes.

[shadowedseraph]

Go back to your GP and get reffered, they can't make you give up work or change your life but they might be able to help :) i too have BPD although i knew nothing about it until i was diagnosed *hugs*

[Bitter_Angel]

You cant be forced to stop work to get treatment. But some treatment or support might help.
I find that i have flare ups of my BPD so to speak. I can function normal most the time and then i will have a couple of weeks when all my BPD symptoms flare up and i struggle like crazy.
Its about knowing what you can manage and when to ask for help. It is worth speaking to a psych though. A lot of the symptoms can be managed and perhaps with some therapy you can find some better coping mechanisms than self harm. Not to mention that it would give you another outlet to your problems.

Good luck with it.