How do you manage to balance not identifying yourself with your illness, with accepting your symptoms and struggles?
Even more so, how do you manage to dis-identify yourself with a medical diagnosis, when the very symptoms went ignored and dismissed for the first 30 years of your life?
I'm trying to come to terms with the conflict of getting adjustments at work because my medical diagnosis - recurrent/long standing treatment resistant depression - means I am classified disabled.... and trying to accept myself as moving towards being a healthy human being.
The complication is my dissociative split - certain situations stir the depression, not all of me is depressed, and not all of me is borderline.
Agh. It confuses people. I'm sure.
I mean, I can understand and see and contain the essence of my difficulties. I can see how I'm a human being with fragile parts, as it were, rather than simply 'a depressed person', or, rather 'a burden on the world'.
I'm struggling with trying to be more generous, but I have this godamned wall up that is so hard to budge. I want to let people in, give and recieve, connect. But. Ugh. It's hard when I feel so... worthless.
Does this make sense?
Mental health disability is my ticket to guidance and support and safety at work, but it comes with the price of feeding the 'I'm a victim and they will look after me as long as I'm ill.' mindset.
The support at work should help me develop my skills and talents within a safe structure that helps me manage my illness safely, right?
I am Katie, who has been hurt a lot, and who wants life desperately, but is frightened of it.
I'm intelligent, I'm trustworthy, I just don't have a very well developed emotional 'skin'.
Being labelled as disabled via Depressive diagnosis is never an easy one to untangle, but here goes. I think the best way to look at it, and explain it to others is to say that yes, you have this as a diagnosis, but like all disabilities, this means you are open to and willing to take on board any assistance, or use any coping skills that will eventually enable you to meld more easilly with those "normal" every day souls. In this way, it is not a case of being a victim, but looking proactively at what can be done. This is how I read what you have said.
I will say one thing, however much you may feel worthless, the effort you are putting in now will help with that. One day, you will find yourself in a place where you may realise, even if only a little, that you are far from worthless. You are a unique soul, and no soul is worthless.
As for the wall, depression is well known for making people withdraw from society, and it is never easy to trust someone with such personal information as how we feel inside. However, sitting down with someone you choose over a drink and simply being able to say how you are coping - without the big details is a good start. No one can expect someone to say all and everything at once. The point is to imagine it as a door, you can speak through the letter box, open it a fraction with the chain on and eventually one day you will feel safe and comfortable enough with certain people to open the door and step outside or let them in.
Sorry for waffling - but, I hope it helps. A little.
*hugs*
Roiben
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
i think you do what each side of you needs. the "poorly" bit needs the adjustments at work, it needs to be safe and contained and, in being supported, it helps the poorly bit feel a bit better and gives you energy and hope to work with the main bit of you - the "well" side of you that knows you have ambition and are intelligent and capable.
if you ignore what your unwell side needs, your well side cannot flourish.
I am Katie, who has been hurt a lot, and who wants life desperately, but is frightened of it.
I'm intelligent, I'm trustworthy, I just don't have a very well developed emotional 'skin'.
yes - you have been hurt and the world is now a scary, confusing place. you feel unsure. so allow yourself to feel safe and cushioned without beating yourself up about feeding the more negative, "ill" side. you can't lose the part of you that wants to live, that has hope, that has worked and worked at making improvements (therapeutically, and otherwise). it takes tenacity to do this. you're not going to lose the part of you that wants to be healthy, that is, and will be healthy - because that's part of you. just keep reminding yourself of it :)
I can look at myself in so many different ways....
I am an alcoholic, my name is Susan. But I spend six hours a week in meetings, the rest of the time living life.
My husband and I explore and photograph ghost towns for a hobby, and by the way I have to be careful of my asthma and my weak ankle.
I only work part time......In a job where I have turned my uncommon abilities and skills into a business of my own.
Do I define myself by my abilities or my limitations? I don't know. But I understand not understanding too.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Pretty picture!
It sounds to me like you've managed to be incredibly strong through very hard times in your life. This is obviously another one of those obstacles. I already know from reading some of your posts that you are intelligent, kind, free-minded, insightful, empathic, sympathetic, sensitive, Katie, and Katherine. I'm sure we here are not the only ones who can see past all of the society labels you have been given or are at risk of receiving.
What do I know? Nothing, that's for sure. But good people can get through the most awful things and come out better for it on the other side.
Be strong, take what you need to be strong and happy, and tell anyone who tries to make you a victim to f*** off! Okay, maybe not in those exact words :).
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae.
Lambchop, LadyMacbeth, Butterfly525, and Moonchild are my sisters. Ruffle is my daughter. That Faery Kid is my kitty!
