When the guy rang and said he was from the Crisis team i knew. My heart sank, but it didnt quite fully sink in.
See ive been under crisis as some of you know before. 6 weeks of home visits doling out my meds on those little finger strips.
Then it hit me as they walked in.
ITS the crisis team. They deal with crisis. short term crisis management for those in imminent danger to themselves.
NOT an MHT Team to discuss augmenting my therapy with intensive help.
So no im not in crisis because im not actively suicidal.
I told them how low i have been. I told them i wake every day thinking about it. BUT "Matthew, you havent done it have you", and so therefore im not at risk sufficient for the help. Besides the help crisis offer is not what i wanted any ways.
I treid so so hard to tell them that this was so hard for me asking for help. They asked what i wanted and i said ideally i would like something a few times a week for some sort of group DBT/CBT therrapy work.
I was told under no circumstance that there is anything like that available. That i AM getting ALL the treatment i need. Even though my own ****ing therapist is pleading with me to find the extra money to go twice a week. (she has offered me an additional 15 minutes for free which is so so kind esp for private practice).
I was told by the Crisis woman that Most people dont have the treatment i get, and made out i should be thankful for that. Now forgive me if im wrong but each person should be dealt with on individual merit and no one else should be taken into account.
Basically they said i AM motivated because i wash and i go to therapy each week. I told them that for 167 hours i stay in my room but apparently this is being motivated!!!
I am being refered for dbt but there is a 9 month waiting list.
I tried so hard but i knew i was fighting a losing battle.
haha i even told them that my cutting is superficial and she asked to see and said "yes it is supperficial"
Bsically they said i just want someone to help me to get motivated cus i have motivation issues and to helpme out of the house.
So im getting assigned a social worker who may come round once every 2 weeks to take me shopping or something.
Im in a small bit of shock right now.
Im sorry to have wasted everyones time and worried everyone. Im sorry that for somethign so trivial ive taken up so much space. but im writing this because theres alot of people who have asked to let them know what happened.
LOL, i tried to explain to them how wanting to kill yourself but being too afriad felt. I used the following analogy to try and explain:
I said imagine you can see the most beautiful beach and its warm and sunny, somewhere in the sechelles or somewhere exotic and you dream of going there every day. You long for it and its your goal to one day go there.
I said now imagine being too scared to go there. Being too afriad to go to that beach.
I was trying to make the point that to me death is my holiday and break from all of it. Its something i want just as much as most people want that beautiful desert island, but that im too scared to go.
all i was trying to do was make them se the desire but also the fristration in not being able to do it....and do you know what she said?
"Matthew, what do you think happens after death? Do you think its like being on the beach?"
She thought i was trying to tell her that i see an afterlife as promiosed to religious fanatics and such.
Darling, I'm really sorry. I wish I could make those numptys see that you really do need the help. Take them up on the offer of a social worker. At the least she/he might turn out to be good & aid them in helping you get more help?
I'm on MSN 'til like 2ish, then driving down to Soton, so then I'll be avaliable from around 5ish.
for ****s sake. what is wrong with these stupid ****ing people!
I'm so sorry Matthew. Thats not fair.
Talk to your therapist. tell them what these stupid people said. god, how can they be so blind. how can they be so ****ing flippant. I am so angry and upset I'm almost in tears right now. i just want to find these people and shake them. try and MAKE them see. oh honey, i know how much you're hurting. these stupid people waltz in, don't know you at all, make these stupid assumptions based on some preconceived idea that "only the ones on the rooftop are worth helping" and just end up not helping at all. ****ing stupid people.
hmm just because you have to wait does not mean you are not worthy of the help. It is comming. I promise that it is. It just sucks that right now you have to wait when you can benefti from it so much. I can totally sympathies witht he waiting (is currently on list)
I know it sucks and i know the crisis team are completley useless. But do try to use that support for now. Tell them whats going through your mind. I doubt your cuts are merley superfcial butplease dont turn it into a competition. Try to avoid it if you can. No forcing yourself just to see if you can do it. *hugs*
In the mean time, i know its not much help but have you thought of getting a DBT work book and trying some of the self help techniques. If nothing more it will prepare you for therapy.
What absolutely clueless ineffecient morons!
I am so sorry you can not get the help you need, help that you care enough to ask for!
Hugs
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Keep fighting Matthew, sometimes it's a long road but it will be worth it in the end.
I know you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel right now but eventually it will be there.
My thoughts are with you through this.
your bum, i hug it.
these people are morons, not to be confused with moorhens, which are likeable birds.
pls tell your therapist and social worker everything here...se if either of them can swing something more useful.
when she said superficial she probably just meant in the medical sense i.e. not through an organ/bone etc.
big love
xxxx
She asked to see my arms. My right i havent cut for a long time. Most of the scars are white. She called them superficial. There were scars on the laft arm of which non were newer than 10 days old.
I used the term superficial meaning non life threatening. She probably meant the same but it really upset me and its been playing on my mind all day.
When my Psych tansferred me to the psych up here she cc'd me into the letter and she stated to him that she had seen me cut through to visible muscle. Is that superficial? *confussed*
I guess only a few people "get" me. Those that do are ususally smart. They know im hard to reach.
Perhaps i must try harder.
I remember the crisis womans voice being so patronising i wanted to hit her.
But yeah im numb really. Denial i guess. In shock maybe.
but for now im happy with my original thoughts that i have made most of this up, i dont need the help and that its pretty much all my fault.
But hey, im having fried chicken tonight and at the end of the day all i am is someone who just has motivational issues and needs to get out more....
Depression is a very real illness.
It can be a deeply embedded state of mind. A real scar, a wound right to the core of your soul.
Depression can distort and disrupt your relationship with yourself, others and your life.
It is serious.
What youhave to remember is that 98% of the crisis team have no idea what this feels like. They read it in a book an think its easy. They dont know the pain that goes with it. The amount of fooling you do so that sometimes you even fool yourself. I mean fooling yourself works it really does. Until one day you realise you just took a full bottle of pills and drank rather too much. Then you realise yourself that perhaps your not ok, so you try to get help. And often that help is less than adequate. And your so upset by it because you realise how ill you really are.
And then you pick yourself up and you carry on and you begin to hide it again and its like a big vicous circle. And its horrible, i truley agree that feeling like this is horrible.
But Matthew, do I think your making this up? Not at all. I do ohwever believe that you will soon believe them and start hiding it again.Which really isnt productive. For now all you can really do is hold on, keep fighting for another day. Because they might have taken some of what you said in, they just might have. And help will be on its way. albiet its the NHS so you might have to wait a while, but it will come. Just sucks right now. But hey if help arrived right away none of us would be this way.
Matthew, i know that you are strong. Even if you deny it. You have to be strong to have coped for as long as you have. So all I ask is that you keep holding oon for a little longer. Compared to what you have been through this should be easy. But really cling to whatever you can to get through this. Keep your friends close an try not to block them out. If you are on the waiting list then not all is lost.
*hugs* sorry i realised i kinda rambled there. but you know. an you know where i am if you want someone to put you to sleep with ramble.
Matthew, for the love of dog you are NOT making this UP!!! No more then I am, or any other person in Vets is! These people don't understand. They have probably never been through it themselves. They don't understand how dehabilitating it is to be depressed. I do. The other vets do. You do.
You are not making it up.
You are not making it up.
You are not making it up.
You are not making it up.
You are not making it up.
You are not making it up.
You are not making it up.
You are not making it up.
You are not making it up.
You are not making it up.
crisis teams are crisis teams cause they can't cut (pardon the pun) it in real practice. I would make a formal complaint and SHOVE IT UP THEIR ASSES! >.<
*pets*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Yeah but you hear the things i tell you. Its only what i tell you. its my interpretation. Like when you see me im not depressed am i? Im pretty damn normal.
So like the woman said in these exact words "But Matthew YOU ARE getting ALL the help you need", then it really is down to me to stop being such a **** and moaning and make an effort.
On the other hand.....im really calm. Ive been quite chirpy in a strange way.
Im not sure if this is a good thing.
I see My therapist tomorrow. I get an hour and 5 mins. Its really kind of her to give me the extra time. So i guess thats good i have someone to talk to immediately.
*ponders the word superficial*
I just remembered also they said im taking care of myself. I sadi what do you mean and they said that ive washed and dressed and im well presented.
The only time i shave is if i see Chelsea/Ween or there is a family birthday.
Last night i shaved, cut my hair freshened up and put on clothes for today so they wouldnt think i was a mess.
And Erin......the expression is "For the love of God", NOT dog!
ahem...mu lil pengy. i want to say something that i dont think would come out right..so i bite my tongue in fear that i would say something to offend...
keep talking son. you have open up in way that i am proud of you. when i get up i will try to write you the words right. sleep tight you..a safe night sleep/
