Triggering (SI/OD) - Secrets and Lies and tomorrow....*update first post*
Im sure many if not all who read this can relate to the "yeah, im fine" autonomic response thats flows from our lips when asked how we are.
Im sure a few have been faced with difficult one to ones with those who are family and love us when they ask why we never told them that things were so bad just after we "did" something "bad".
When the response to the question is "no im not", invariably the reply will be minimal. It may consist of a sigh, a gentle pat on the knee or shoulder, a worried smile and usually a scuttle off out of the room.
The result - rejection, misunderstanding and hopelessness.
When the response is "yeah, im fine", there is a momentary look and then they scuttle off but without the look of dread on their faces.
The result - rejection, misunderstanding and hopelessness.
In the Film "The Bucket List", Jack Nicolson is trying to persuade Morgan Freeman to come on the adventure of a lifetime. When Morgan says no, Jack's retort is to ask him if he is going to be content spending the last few months of his life telling his family that things arent so bad and sheltering them from the inevitable pain that will bestow them.
I cried at that moment. It is what i do every day and have done for the past 3 years now. Yeah 3 years this october.
I tell them its okay. I see and sense their fear. Intense fear and i calm them and tell them not to worry. I become their comforter, their counsellor.
So the truth DOES hurt. Lies are much softer. Much easier to get thru the day; but at a cost. The cost of complete and utter loneliness.
God im lonely.
Life here is the antithesis of everything i have grown up to know. Black is white and white is black. Sweet is sour and so on.
Tomorrow i go to see the Psychiatrist. My father is coming too. No-one spoke to my family regarding my recent visit. Again i was the one that had to explain and confort. Hopefully he can get an understanding of sorts?
Tomorrow i go to ask if there is something more they can do for me.
The truth is that if i carry on like this i am going to kill myself. I am going to cause immesuarable pain and suffering.
The truth is that if i carry on like this i will remain trapped inide my head forever. Paranoid and existing in an ever-decreasing circle of reality.
I think id like to have my life back. I think id like to be happy. I think id like to not be scared anymore. I cant actually imagine what its like not being scared.
I want Pinot Noir. I want a sofa with friends, silly games, serious talk and putting the world to rights. I want to get naked and have an orgy..(ooops got carried away there). NO damn it i didnt!!! I want an orgy!
My father and i went to see the psych. Cutting a long and distressing story short, im not able to guarantee either the MHS or my family that i am not a danger to myself. Therefore, i am going to be admitted to the psych hospital in the next few days.
Im not really sure whats happening. The doc will ring my dad tonight once he has spoken to the CPN service who will need to admit me. So i guess it could be a day or a week maybe but i have to go.
Ive been told its not under section. Ill have my own room and en-suite loo. Thats about all i know.
He is also going to try to get me some DBT to augment my psychotherapy i have weekly. This could either be a weekly session or a residential course in York somewhere that specialises in this and for people with SH'ing behaviour tendencies. However this is unlikely.
IM TERRIFIED> Im laying in bed sick with fright. Literaly paralised with fear.
I want Pinot Noir. I want a sofa with friends, silly games, serious talk and putting the world to rights. I want to get naked and have an orgy..(ooops got carried away there). NO damn it i didnt!!! I want an orgy!
I know you will have many offers but I have a sofa that is also a bed and I have a ready supply of wine and many a stupid game but the orgy well I can't offer that!!
Matt hun so much of what you wrote here has been true at some point in my life or other and I just want to say that Mr. Penguin admitting things aren't great is terrifying but allowing yourself to get help to live and to love and eventually to be able to regularly enjoy the pinot noir and so on will come if you allow yourself to take those terrifying steps into the unknown.
Big hugs
xox
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
I can really relate to what you wrote just there.
It's difficult to know whether to be honest or not. I think it is good to be honest with the people who understand and with the people who have the time to listen until they do.
Therein lies the hardest thing. People cant see what we keep so hidden. And even though we want them to see more then anything, he keep it hidden because we feel it's the best thing for them.
But this immediate pain and worry would be NOTHING compared to the pain of loss.
When you see the psych, yell, scream, MAKE THEM HEAR YOUR PAIN! MAKE THEM KNOW YOUR DESPERATION!!!! dont stop until they hear you. don't hold back
the people that love you, and there are so many of them, want to try and help. they wont mind the immediate worry if you give them that chance.
Matthew, you can do this. I KNOW you can. I also know it's hard.
But that happiness was there once. It will be there again. Right now it's like a bear in hibernation.
Therein lies the hardest thing. People cant see what we keep so hidden. And even though we want them to see more then anything, he keep it hidden because we feel it's the best thing for them.
But this immediate pain and worry would be NOTHING compared to the pain of loss.
When you see the psych, yell, scream, MAKE THEM HEAR YOUR PAIN! MAKE THEM KNOW YOUR DESPERATION!!!! dont stop until they hear you. don't hold back
the people that love you, and there are so many of them, want to try and help. they wont mind the immediate worry if you give them that chance.
Matthew, you can do this. I KNOW you can. I also know it's hard.
But that happiness was there once. It will be there again. Right now it's like a bear in hibernation.
Summer is coming soon.
Love you xox
Honey I don't have words so i'm quoting erin becasue she said what i want to say. You CAN do this. you CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cuddles you tightly*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I can so understand what you have written, especially the bit about becomming a counsellor to other people. Answering 'I'm Fine'. I wanted to say well done on saying you'll go tommorow and ask what else can be done to help you. It takes a lot to do that.
God, Matthew, I am so glad you made this post. I'm so ****ing proud of you it's unbelievable. I just want to scrunch you up and tickle your feet and cuddle you.
Believe me when I say your Dad loves you so so so much. It was evident when I was there. As does Simon, Jo, and even Lyn. As do I. Even if you do put down poison for the little creatures that did NUFFIN wrong to you just to win your mission. Wot did the little mices do to you, eh? [Except eat your Haribo - you really need to get that problem sorted out ].
I will be on the other end of the phone the whole time tomorrow. I will be thinking of you and sending you all the love in my heart because GOD you deserve it.
I know I aint sofistocated n **** lyk dat BUT you HAVE got me hooked on a good red wine [even though I "don't drink" I still manage it ;) ] I will have TWO sofas & you know I love putting the world to rights & our debates that go on 'til 4am. In short, I am here for you and I can't WAIT to take you to the show & then go back to Weens and get pissed [oh yeah Ween, you're coming with us, and then we're all crashing at yours, hope you don't mind ].
Use all the help you can get. Lean on us, your friends, and most importantly LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. That doesn't mean so much of the stop self harming [although I am slightly worried for your bedroom wall] but the getting up, getting showered, going fishing etc part of you that will come back.
It's not going to be easy - nobody ever said it was - but we will be your lifepreserverrubberringthingy when you're about to go under, keeping you afloat, and we will be the ones throwing you a massive party when you feel up for it.
You deserve so many good things in your life. I know you have me and I am WONDERFUL & Irene who is WONDERFULER & Erin who is just WUNDERBAR [sorry couldn't think of any more english words for wonderful] & all the people here who are ACE but that's only a teeny tiny little egg sized bit of what you deserve.
Bet you've missed my incomprehensible ramblings.
Now, give me a rah!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Last edited by Queen Crabbit : 22-09-2008 at 01:32 PM.
Maffew, I think you are being very brave speaking out tomorrow. I hope you get what you need. Sometimes our family need to have that pain temporaily to help them appreciate what they have. They need to appreciate you. You are a wonderful pengy and i hope you can one day find your way back to the life you so much deserve. The kinda life where you can say that you are fine and not be lying. I know it can happen, but please keep holding out for it. Holding otu and fighting.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
I want Pinot Noir. I want a sofa with friends, silly games, serious talk and putting the world to rights. I want to get naked and have an orgy..(ooops got carried away there). NO damn it i didnt!!! I want an orgy!
It really made me smile to know that my favourite pengy is still in your head somewhere.
I agree with everyone that has said you need to march your black and white arse in there and demand that they listen to you and give you the help you need.
Have you considered IP or residential treatment? Or even intensive day treatment? Is that something you think may help and can bring yourself to ask for?
= Maff
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way,
The beauty in life, where's it gone?
And somebody told me you were doing okay,
Somehow I guess they were wrong.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : xxx
Woke up with a bang
And a bug on your face
It crawled in your mouth
And gave you a taste of
The good life you left behind
But I think you’re gonna be fine
Somebody loves you
And you’re gonna make it through
This nagging malaise
Is more than a phase
It feels like a job
But no boss ever pays you to lay there
And think how you’ll die
While the tears start to well in your eyes
Somebody loves you
And you’re gonna make it through
One more Saturday
All alone through the night
You’ve got to be sure
When you turn out that light
That it’s going to turn on again
You’ve got to be your good friend
Somebody loves you
And you’re gonna make it through
The Emperor Penguins are penguins that live in Antarctica. They are highly adaptable animals. The flock working together for survival.
In times of extreme cold, such as during a blizzard, Emperor Penguins will all huddle together in a large group with each bird leaning forward on a neighbour. They will slowly shuffle around in this formation ensuring that every bird has a turn inside the warm huddle and outside in the cold.
There is a beautiful lesson to be learnt here.
Let us be your flock. Lean on us in times of need. We will all take our turns in the warmth of the huddle. Let us be there for you.
= Maff