saying goodbye

[liquorice]

i am leaving for university in 2 weeks
struggling to think straight at the moment.
i am being passed over to the mental health services near my uni, due to my current being about 9 hours from where i am going. i am petrified of leaving my CPN. although i haven't been seeing her for a really long time, i just love her so much. i wish we could be friends or she could actually care for me. or be my mummy . i really miss her between the times i see her every week, and after i leave in 2 weeks, im not allowed any contact with her. never :( she says that it is the right thing to do, and because she cares for me. but i dont want to leave her. it makes me feel sick to think about it.
i feel so dreadful recently. so low and lost. have no energy to move, and just cant keep from crying constantly. im sharing a room at uni i have discovered and really worried about that too x sorry for sounding so wingey

[loopylucy08]

I found it hell leaving my first ever therapist when moving CAMHS to CMHT so I totally relate to what you're saying right now. All I can say is you'll be surprised how quickly it gets easier- and it DOES get easier. Therpeutic relationships are funny things, you're in a room with someone and telling them stuff that you wouldn't tell even people closest to you. But it can never be a proper "relationship" because it is always going to be one way. They have their own lives and interests that we learn nothing about and it may not be comforting but it sometimes helps to remember that.
I remember being daunted about the prospect of seeing a new person, thinking I would never be able to open up to someone like that again- but you do and I did. Instead of seeing it as something coming to an end, try and see it as the beginning of a new phase in your recovery. Try and think about the positives. Your CPN has given some valuable input and support to you so far, but perhaps this is the opportunity to get a fresh perspective on your problems? Perhaps it would help to write down all the things you've gained from seeing your CPN as a reminder to yourself of all the positives, and this may help you to see past the negative of stopping seeing her right now.

What you are feeling now is a totally normal and natural reaction. In a sense it is grieving because you are suffering a loss, not just in your CPN but on a wider scale too and its also a change and no one likes change that much at all. Not being able to contact her is for your own good, because phone conversations are never going to be the same as face to face, and in effect you are drawing out the inevitable, that at some point you would have had to part ways, and the more drawn out it is the more painful it will be in the long run. You WILL get through this and you WILL feel better. Its not going to be an overnight thing, but eventually you'll be able to look back and think of it as something positive, as opposed to the pain you are feeling right now of letting go.

[raistlin]

Awh, sorry to hear you have to leave the people you trust and care about so dearly. :( I had to leave my first therapist a few months ago and it was the hardest thing for me to do ever. So I understand the pain and hurt. I am still not over it. But it has gotten a bit better. *hugs*

[liquorice]

thank you so much :( loopylucy, everything you said rings so true. but it just hurts. an inevitable black absence.x