Don't Know Who To Talk To [updated + TY all for replies xxx]
Even though it was a few months ago that I split up with my now ex fiancee I don't feel that I am over it. I think am sure that I am over her so it isn't a matter of trying to re-heal a broken heart or anything like that but the ordeal of being told I had to leave my then home within 2 weeks because she had decided it wasn't working and no longer wanted to be with me is still having an impact on me now.
When I first moved I happened to have to see a crisis team who amongst other things said that I wasn't emoting correctly for what had just happened. It appeared to everyone that I was fine and it is true I didn't emote sadly at all through the day I was happy or even "high" [I have bipolar and at the time of moving house was still getting my medication altered to a helpful level] but at night I was crying myself to sleep.
At the moment I find myself thinking about what has happened and her and how both her and her mum got away with treating me once she decided what she did and wondering what I did wrong and whether she was just using me etc etc etc I get caught in thought spirals about it all and then I cry. I only cry when no one else is there but I have crying a bit when I just can't help it, for no reason apparent to myself apart from that I literally need the release because the rest of the time I feel hugely anxious and stress to the point of indescription.
The stress / anxiety is why I've written this like a robot. For the most part atm I can't emote though at what is becoming many points of the day I fight back the tears with great might.
I don't feel able to speak to any family members about this and only know Ceiron in real life and wouldn't expect it of him for obvious reasons.
I appreciate you reading xxxx
Last edited by Misunderstood. : 19-09-2008 at 06:28 PM.
I must be fine, because my heart's still beating..
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Glasgow
I am currently:
Not sure what to say, just that when i went through a ****ing bad breakup a few years back i literally went somewhere else, i found the geographic space gave me some kinda sanity. Is there any way you can get away? I'm thinking about you *hugs*
TY so much for your replies.
Well I am living in a different county now, with my parents but as far as having a break, I have organised with a friend who I've known for years to visit him for a week. I know I said I only know Ceiron in RL but the friend I'll be visiting; Harry I didnt mention as I don't see him often as he's in Scotland and me, England. That will be on the 30th till the 7th.
I find it difficult now, living with my parents as I am 22 and have already left home, I thought for good so I wasn't expecting to come back!
I feel restricted even though I'm not, psychologically I feel I am so the week away I'm looking forward to.
I had to move here really as I didn't know where else I could go, literally would have been declaring myself homesless. I don't think my mum, stepdad and maybe other members of my family would have been happy with me doing that. Within the week leading upto leaving *'s I seriously contemplated suicide so maybe decisions being taken out my hands was good at that point.
I must be fine, because my heart's still beating..
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Glasgow
I am currently:
I would say you're best off to be with family in this kinda situation, and 22 is hardly geriatric to be living at home, i know folk in their 30s who get divorced and move home so don't sweat it! The support network that being in a family offers is amazing, and not just people who happen to share your dna, but just folk you consider as family. Make a concious decision to lean on them and you'll feel safe, not restricted.
Btw, if you're in Glasgow while you;re in Scotland there's a pub which kinda collects folk who like metal and are kinda ****ed up, its my local... :)
I know 22 isn't old to be living with parents but I am very independant and I feel that I am too old to be living with parents, not that it is generally an age that people shouldn't be living with parents at. It's a personal thing. When I first left home which was my dads house I skipped country and lived in Belfast for a year but couldn't carry on there in the end, it's another story.
My mum and step dad I feel happy relying on in terms of having a secure roof over my head and I get on with them to quite a good extent but I just don't think it's there forte to speak to me about relationships and how I feel about what has happened. I just wouldn't do it.
The pub is starting to sound like a good idea lol JK OJ, on the first night I get to Glasgow my friend and I are gonna get half-cut while I attempt the whole pour your heart out about it thing.
This might seem very cliche especially as I really didn't think I would ever be like this. I never really understood whenever I've read about people pushing others away who try to help etc.
But I have been pushing people away and forcing myself not to get upset and cry as everytime someone tries to help or be nice I will start crying unless I stop myself. I don't like letting it happen. People that I know in RL, the few that I do. For the most part I don't just put up a hardened front but I am it. I behave cold, uncaring and mean in my opinion.
Harry is being nice about what do I need in for to eat when I'm there [i'm wheat intolerant plus he always likes to have whatever i'm keen on eating in and what alcohol etc] and I'm finding it hard to handle. It's not that I don't appreciate it but I keep feeling on the verge of tears.
I don't feel I deserve it / find it hard to accept.
**ramble ramble**
