how ill am i!

[yanna]

does anyone else here feel sort of validated by their problems?

i've just been in the medications thread and i couldn't help myself counting up the number of meds listed in the longer posts to see how i 'ranked'.

similarly, i was in a seminar about stepped care (the majority of people can be helped by simple treatments, whereas few have more severer problems that require more help) and felt quite proud to be at the top of the pyriamid - ie. lucky me; i am really severly ill!

maybe its my perfectionist tendancies? if i can't be a success in life, then i'll be a damn good failure!
maybe i want to be special, even if its for negative reasons?
maybe i want to be treatment resistant to prove that i'm not crap for not being able to did myself out of this hole?

so, yeah, does anyone else feel secretly happy if they're given a new diagnosis, or casually told "you are really screwed up!"?

~yanna~

[Stellata]

In a way, yes.
Although for me it's because I never had recognition, help and support for my difficulties when I was younger.
But it can get twisted.
..... I am myself, not my illnesses, which takes some accepting.... Also because of the conflict from what I was told when younger - made out to be subnormal and object of ridicule, so it's hard to accept the healthy parts of me. But I am doing... slowly.

[Tomorrowwillcome]

Sometimes I wish I was mad, completely, because then they could just pump me with drugs so I didn't have to think anymore and have to struggle with living in the outside world.

[88shelz]

yeah i sort of no what you mean.
to be honest though...id rather be able to say..i am normal.

[whirlpools]

i guess i have experienced this. i also think i have made myself "iller" because the expectations i had of myself were so high, that i couldn't live up to them. if you're in hospital, you're not expected to be anything other than crazy. if you're in prison, you only have to be a criminal. so why not just become more unwell? nobody can ask you to do anything if you're sat there rocking and talking to the walls.

there are so many problems with this, though! for a start, it will never be enough. especially if you're a perfectionist, as you say. we are unlikely to ever be the illest. for me, getting iller was a lot about getting more care. but the more ill i got, i didn't matter how much care i got. it was never enough to take away the pain.

and then you run into problems when you get back to "reality". all of us have to face a choice, very much like the one Susanna faces in Girl, Interrupted. she can choose to get better, or she can choose to drive herself into being institutionalised forever. i'm not saying that mental illness is a choice - at all!!! but we have choices about how we deal with it - whether we try to help ourselves, and use what is given. i have found that for years i have concentrated on being poorly. now that i've wanted to be "normal" and gone back to college i've found i'm so far in that it seems impossible to get out, to function, to relate.

and i hate to think that i might live the rest of my life this way.

the last thing i wanted to say, 'cause this is turning into quite the essay, is that i don't think that medication list is a true representation of who's the illest. it's really immeasurable (sp?) because it depends on the client and the care team. in some areas (or countries) they may chuck you on tons of meds, whereas in others they would prefer to try other things. i myself have been on very few meds because i don't particularly think it's the way forward for me. so, then, do you judge "ill" by how long someone's been in hospital? who's been on a section 2 or a section 3, who's even been sectioned under the Home Office? but then, some areas don't admit a person to hospital unless their head's hanging off. does it depend on how often you see your therapist? or how deep you cut? or how "badly" you attempt suicide?

i don't know. in my opinion, and experience, it's a risky place to go.

[sherlock holmes]

I was like that for ages. I had to be the "best" at being the most ill. Being taken into a psychiatric hospital was like I could tick that box, being sectioned meant I could tick another box, having stitches for self harm was another box ticked.

It slowly went away as I realised there's more to life than being defined by your illness.

[nothing_else_matters]

i unfortunately know exactly what you mean. i see other peoples diagnoses and sort of feel jelous. its almost because i know theres something wrong with me but im too scared to get the diagnoses so how dare they be brave enough to confront there problems sort of thing.

[alienshe_cheesycake]

Quote:

I was like that for ages. I had to be the "best" at being the most ill. Being taken into a psychiatric hospital was like I could tick that box, being sectioned meant I could tick another box, having stitches for self harm was another box ticked

ditto, I feel slightly ashamed to admit it, but I thought the exact same thing, It's hard for me to stop thinking like this too , I have to force myself to realise that I don't have to think this way

[falling tears]

mmm yeah i know what you mean. i suppose it takes away some of the guilt you feel, cos you can blame it on an illness and maybe by using the turm people can start to understand you more if you have a lable.

plus sometimes i do wish i was just tottally out of it so i wouldnt have to care anymore.