Hi guys, this is nothing compared to what most of you are going through but think i just need to get it out
Basically, I work as a nurse on a haematology ward (leukaemia/lyphoma/myeloma patients) and my mum has just started chemo for breast cancer. She's being treated as an outpatient and being the resident nurse wants me to go with her which is fine.
But the outpatients centre is for both haematology and oncology patients. So there we were sitting in the waiting room and i was surrounded by loads of patients i'd been treating over the last 4 years. It was awful. Our patients are with us for months and see us as friends rather than their nurses and they all wanted to chat. I didn't want to be rude but it was so overwhelming. I wasn't in a great frame of mind,i was really emotional watching my mum getting chemo when i give it every day. I know everything to expect i should be stronger than this. My chest just felt so tight and i felt like i couldn't breathe. I couldn't cope with talking to all the patients n staff i know and ended up running out and hiding in the bathroom.
I sat crying for a while but knew i had to go back out and be all positive and perky for my mum, so i remembered i had a blade in my bag and cut my legs and wrist. It was so difficult to hide from everyone and i then got paranoid everyone was talking about me and watching me, and knew what i had done. I felt so sick. Looking back i don't think anyone noticed anything and i think i acted perky enough to fool everyone.
But the problem is my mums got 5 more treatments plus weeks of radiotherapy to go yet and i'm not sure i can do this over and over again.
I suggested she take my dad next time and i'd look after my grandma, but no she wants me. (my mums also a drinker and can be hard work)
Argh! I know compared to everyone elses problems this is trivial and i think i just needed to rant. But just feel like i can't breathe sometmes.
Your problems are not trivial, they're just different :) i think anyone would have had problems in that situation, your worried about your mum and a whole load of people want to offload their problems onto you because they feel they know you. Don't worry about venting here, thats what here is for *hugs*
Trace I like your idea of trying to wait in a quieter area, will see if i can chat to some of the girls in opd and see if they'd arrange that for me. Just hate this constant anxious feeling at the mo, less people might help x
Yeah a couple of close people have offered to talk to me but i'm not very good at the whole talking thing, i end up claming up then it turns into a lecture. Not sure why i get so anxious, have always been pretty highly strung, but since i have started to SI again (it had previously been 10 years ago when i was 14/15) i've been getting anxious over stupid things.
And now i've cut again can't get it out of my head and anytime i'm upset feel i have to, which is daft coz i coped for 10 years fine without it, even through some pretty crap times.
I had a great counsellor but those sessions are over now, been thinking of going private if its not too expensive but haven't quite got round to organising that. I think venting on here sometimes really helps though, so thanks x
If it helps to vent, keep talking to us - that's what we're here for :) Can you try to think of what coping methods you used when you weren't SI'ing and see if they will work now?
not sure why i started SIing or how i stopped in the first place. Didn't really understand what i was doing back then or that there was a name for it just knew that it worked. I used to do kickboxing, maybe kicking the crap out of things helped, maybe i should see if theres any local classes around here, need to lose weight anyway! lol
I have to say i love this site and how supportive everyone is, i love having such a safe place to say anything i need. Thank you everyone xox
Kickboxing sounds excellent, emotionally and physically.
You don't have to be perfect at this. You only have to be good enough.
*cuddles*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
