what does this sound like? *trig suicide, SI

recently this last week, i've had two episodes which have really really scared me. doctors say it was because a stupid doctor told me to quit tegratol cold turkey. but i'm not entirely sure if both were because after the first one, i restarted the tegratol that day. (sunday for first, tuesday for second episode)

it scares me cause if they're from meds entirely, that's scary that meds can do that. if they're partly in any way just from me, then i'm getting much much worse. it's one thing to get really depressed and make stupid choices and even want to kill yourself. because you're at least somewhat in control. you know what's going on. yes, you're seeing the world in a very dark manner, but at some level you aren't disconnected from reality. i understand that when i'm that way, i'm not necessarily logical, but at least i know what's real and what's not. and i can give you the logical answer even if i'm not following it. and even when i've been so up that i have grandiose ideas and such or get a little bit paranoid, it's NOTHING like this. I may have a skewed version of reality, but at least i'm in touch with it.

but this is different. i was so confused both times that i barely was able to get help. the first time i was blacking out and confused and not with it at all. i couldn't remember hardly anything.

and then the second time i was about to go to a bad area in my city (there's a mountain somewhere there) tuesday for absolutely no reason. i've only been there once. i don't even know if i could've found it. i could easily have gotten myself lost in the worst part of my city with a dead phone (my great luck), confused, and no one having a clue where i was. and suicidal and self-harming ideas were coming in and out of my head. i couldn't have necessarily have controlled myself if a thought had gone thru my head and i have followed it. it's not like when i'm depressed that i would have to make a conscious and continual decision to try and kill myself (which i never have). it's like i could just cut myself severely or even take pills and not even have really known what i was doing until afterwards. i wouldn't have even been able to call for help thanks to my phone. it probably wouldn't have happened, but the cutting at least might've. and i don't know if the episode would have stopped had i not gotten help. it's hard to know.

the first episode was more physical, so i was pretty sure it was the med change. but the second one was psychiatric. i was scared and paranoid and crying about everything. and in both of them everything startled me VERY bad.

i've been more messed up than most people without mental illnesses could imagine, being in and out of hospitals. but i've never been like this. i was paranoid too. i have been before but never like this. and usually only for very short amounts of time. this lasted maybe two hours or so. i thought everything had meaning and that everybody was looking at me and i just didn't have a clue what was going on. i wasn't hearing voices but i thought something was talking to me in my head. cause it kinda was thru my thoughts.

sorry if this is a little jumbled, this is cut and paste from a blog and then me fixing it to describe stuff on this forum. but does this, especially the second episode, sound like a tegratol withdraw, especially if it had already been put back three days before? and if not, what would this mean for me? how can i stop it? meds don't work for me anyway, and i'm definitely not on something like this. the doctor just dismissed it like it was nothing. but it REALLY scared me. and i couldn't tell him everything cause my mom and my boyfriend were in the appointment. well my boyfriend wouldn't matter but i don't want my mom to know everything. any ideas?

if it helps, i am on lithium and seraquil (as i was) and then they took me off cold turkey of the tegratol. my mom gave 2/3 of the meds back to me sunday, the day of the first episode. they also took me off a small dose of klonopin, but i really haven't had anxiety and i've dropped that amount before.

[Stellata]

Medication and it's withdrawal and side effects usually tend to magnify symptoms that were already there, but which were covered by the 'brace' of the medication. [I had similar experience when I came off efexor, even slowly, it was like someone had taken a tight brace off my body and mind].

Are you having any emotional support through this?

kind of. my mom and my boyfriend have helped me through these two episodes, but i don't think they understand that i'm still depressed or even how serious the last episode was.