Triggering (Suicide) - I'm sooo unsafe right now :(

Becca · 10-09-2008, 09:43 PM

This is probably going to be long and should probably go in rant/vent but I desperately need some kind of input from someone. Anyone. Even if it's to say they are online right now.

*feels pathetic for begging people to comment*

I was supposed to die yesterday. I wrote my letters. Finalised my will. Organised everything I left people, cancelled all appointments. Everything.

Went to see my CPN who couldn't handle me being so distressed so he sent me home early from the appointment. I don't know what he could do. I don't know what anyone could damn well do that's the point. Ariel was there telling me he was about to rape me and when he asked me what he would do if he did what she wanted I freaked out.

I went home and rang the vicar who rang CPN who told me I should ring the Welsh equivilent of SANELine except I already had done that. I did some gardeningish for the vicar last night and then went to there's where 3 1/2 hours after promised the crisis team called me. I spoke to them for a bit, they wanted me to stay with the vicar to be safe but I couldn't.

I didn't sleep last night. I walked around town crying in the rain. When I did get home I did something stupid, but it didn't work. This morning I tried again, but Ariel stopped me. I went to the psych place again this afternoon and saw a social worker who told me to go to A&E tonight cos of my SI, who have told me I have quite a severe infection and basically wanted me put on the ward for at least a night so they didn't have to send me away so distressed and desperate (psych refused, like I said somewhere before I'm not allowed that under any circumstances even those when I feel so incredibly unsafe as I do right now that I would even agree to that).

The psych people said I am still alive cos I want to be. But I'm not. I'm still alive cos Ariel is playing with me. She knows I will be discharged for being overly reliant. They don't understand the desolation. No-one does. I tried to kill myself and the one person who has actively supported me in that STOPPED ME so I would be raped by the cpn and by my attacker.

Why does she mess with me so?

Kind. Supportive. Helping me obtain enough, ensure it will be done and then stop me? Why do the psych people tell me that is a good thing?

Then to cap it all bloody off I get home tonight to find that some delivery men have been to bring my new matteress having flung all my books/bedding/cuddly animals etc all over the place and broken stuff. And did my landlord tell me about that? Did they hell as like. Two big men in my flat going through my stuff. Seeing my suicide letters. My will. It was quite late evening too just as I was going to A&E.

I'm so frightened and all the psych people said was it's fine. Don't worry. A&E over-reacting as usual. Pop and see us tommorow. It isn't fine. It isn't. Complain at me for drinking and SI'ing. What do you expect? I asked for help to stop it getting this bad and I didn't deserve it, was told to pay. Again I was asked why I hadn't been admitted. Again when was I going to see the head person of the department (cos no-one else will touch me with a bargepole being too complicated and difficult and disgusting little freak). NOT ALLOWED TO BE ADMITTED. NOT ALLOWED TO SEE HER.

OMG. I'm going to have to spend my life being raped. They totally ignored the point of major surgery = living with rapist and being hurt cos of lack of support.

Ariel? Ariel why are you doing this to me? This is a million times worse than being dead. A million trillion billion.

Casper_Fading · 10-09-2008, 10:16 PM

Oh sweetheart, I have nothing constructive to say. Except i'm glad you're not dead! *cuddles you tight* Honey please.... don't give up. please don't. *cuddles you soooo tightly*

Becca · 10-09-2008, 10:28 PM

I'm trying to find a solution

how can I die if she stops me

Don't understand. Worse I'm writing it here in a place where there are people with real problems.

*thanks-you for reading*

Casper_Fading · 10-09-2008, 10:36 PM

YOU have real problems. F*CK ariel.... you have problems and you deserve help. I'm so worried about you :( Please can you update us every day! If you don't I'm gonna panic :( *cuddles you tightly* please don't die

Becca · 10-09-2008, 10:43 PM

*feels guilty for worrying you*

I will try and update everyday but am reliant on being able to get to a computer as I don't own one to do so, so I may miss days.

I'm *sorry*.

I can't think straight about this.

Casper_Fading · 10-09-2008, 10:54 PM

*cuddles you tightly* don't feel guilty. It just means I care!!!!! Hopefully you can get a computer. I wish I could get you some help!!!

Becca · 10-09-2008, 10:58 PM

*appreciates you caring more than you can know*

Casper_Fading · 10-09-2008, 11:01 PM

Honey, you can always PM me okay? I might not answer straight away but I'm here!

Becca · 10-09-2008, 11:04 PM

Okay. I need to go now.
Am having problems.
Will try and log in tommorow (and will check for any replies then).

x
Becca

Casper_Fading · 10-09-2008, 11:06 PM

*cuddles* alright sweetheart. Please look after yourself. Pleas eplease pleeeease look after yourself!

Becca · 10-09-2008, 11:10 PM

Before I go, do you think it might help my drs to see original post, assuming of course I can a) print it on this crap computer and b) find the courage to show them???

Becca · 10-09-2008, 11:14 PM

*has printed thread*

Casper_Fading · 10-09-2008, 11:16 PM

Good. i think it should help! Hope it helps! *hugs*

blondiebear · 11-09-2008, 12:43 AM

I think printing your post is a great idea!

Stellata · 11-09-2008, 06:56 AM

I care.

I understand some of the awful tearing-apart-inside conflict that you're facing, with Ariel.
It sounds so so hard.

irkeninvader · 11-09-2008, 07:56 AM

I hope your thread shows the doctors that you do need and deserve help. It's awful that they are just turning you away like that. Try to look after yourself *hug*

Becca · 11-09-2008, 08:03 PM

Thnaks for the replies. I didn't print off my thread, but I did write about t instead. It was a strange appointment from what I can remember and that isn't a lot to be honest with you. The psychiatrist wants me in full-time work as soon as possible and on high doses of antidepressants (but refuses to admit me so my other conditions can be monitored on them).

They kept saying it is my decision. If I want to die then I should, they can't stop me

I told a lie about something I had thought was true. I really thought was true. I believed at the weekend I held the knife I always carry to someones throat, but wasn't aware until afterwards. I genuineyly believed it. The psych didn't, nor did cpn and then Ariel appeared and shouted at me LIAR DISGUSTING LYING TRAMP and suddenly I saw the truth. I was exactly that.

I honestly and truely believed I had done such a thing

what is happening to me????

I told my cpn I was scared of him, but not why and that I had a knife on me and would hurt him. I gave him the meds I had to take and my knife. But there is no way I can go back without one tommorow.

I have booked a session with an alcohol counsellor next week (if I get to next week) and have a CPA thing next week too.

I'm scared. What else is Ariel right about?

They said my future is bright and clear and happy its just behaviour stopping me seeing that. So what does that make my physical conditions?????

They said I should be in work. So I can expect my benefits to stop now as a result

Stellata · 11-09-2008, 08:06 PM

Your mind can get tangled up when you're under a great deal of nervous strain, that's how thoughts like that can happen.

I hear how scared you are, but it's good that you're starting to open up and trust some more, and, whilst that is frightening [especially for Ariel...] there is some hope in there.

Becca · 11-09-2008, 08:24 PM

Hope? I don't know about that. Desperation yes. Hope no.

They thought I was a liar and today I showed them I am.

And the psych was wrong when he said no-one could hurt me. How can I possibly defend myself? I can't.

Stellata · 11-09-2008, 08:26 PM

I don't think you're a liar.
Noone will hurt you here.