I love jokes and I think it would be an awesome distraction if we all could post jokes we have heard on here, and read others posts to get a good laugh in. ^_^
Fine print: I am labeling this adult because I doubt the jokes will stay clean. Try to keep them tasteful, but readers don't be alarmed if there are dirty jokes here, and try not to get offended easily either, you are here to have a smile, you can always skip a joke. If you really want a clean joke room, start your own, there is always room for two ^_^.
I'll start:
A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
Yes it's true that I believe
I'm weaker than I used to be
I wear my heart out on my sleeve
And I forget the rest of me
Yes there's times I've been afraid
And there's no harm in that I pray
Cuz I'm more frightened everyday
Someone will take the hope I have away
There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
Yes it's true that I believe
I'm weaker than I used to be
I wear my heart out on my sleeve
And I forget the rest of me
Yes there's times I've been afraid
And there's no harm in that I pray
Cuz I'm more frightened everyday
Someone will take the hope I have away
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Yes it's true that I believe
I'm weaker than I used to be
I wear my heart out on my sleeve
And I forget the rest of me
Yes there's times I've been afraid
And there's no harm in that I pray
Cuz I'm more frightened everyday
Someone will take the hope I have away
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.
Yes it's true that I believe
I'm weaker than I used to be
I wear my heart out on my sleeve
And I forget the rest of me
Yes there's times I've been afraid
And there's no harm in that I pray
Cuz I'm more frightened everyday
Someone will take the hope I have away
In a murder trial, thedefense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren''t sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man''s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it''s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
Yes it's true that I believe
I'm weaker than I used to be
I wear my heart out on my sleeve
And I forget the rest of me
Yes there's times I've been afraid
And there's no harm in that I pray
Cuz I'm more frightened everyday
Someone will take the hope I have away
A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
Yes it's true that I believe
I'm weaker than I used to be
I wear my heart out on my sleeve
And I forget the rest of me
Yes there's times I've been afraid
And there's no harm in that I pray
Cuz I'm more frightened everyday
Someone will take the hope I have away
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
Yes it's true that I believe
I'm weaker than I used to be
I wear my heart out on my sleeve
And I forget the rest of me
Yes there's times I've been afraid
And there's no harm in that I pray
Cuz I'm more frightened everyday
Someone will take the hope I have away
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
Yes it's true that I believe
I'm weaker than I used to be
I wear my heart out on my sleeve
And I forget the rest of me
Yes there's times I've been afraid
And there's no harm in that I pray
Cuz I'm more frightened everyday
Someone will take the hope I have away
Just look them up online, post a few here and if you get distracted in those sites for an hour or 5, oh well. That is what happens to me ^_^
Yes it's true that I believe
I'm weaker than I used to be
I wear my heart out on my sleeve
And I forget the rest of me
Yes there's times I've been afraid
And there's no harm in that I pray
Cuz I'm more frightened everyday
Someone will take the hope I have away
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
I find some of what you teach suspect
Because I'm used to relying on intellect
But I try to open up to what I don't know
Because reason says I should have died
Three years ago...
- Rent
Yes it's true that I believe
I'm weaker than I used to be
I wear my heart out on my sleeve
And I forget the rest of me
Yes there's times I've been afraid
And there's no harm in that I pray
Cuz I'm more frightened everyday
Someone will take the hope I have away
a church is full of townspeople waiting for the service to begin when the devil suddenly appears. everyone runs out screaming exept for an old man who sits calmly in his pew.
"Don't you know who I am?" the devil shouts.
"yes I do" the man says calmly.
"arent you afraid of me?"
"No. Ive been married to your sister for 40 years."
An Italian, an irishman and a chinese man are hired to work on a sydney construction site. on their first day the foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the italian, "you're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
To the chinese man he says, "you're in charge of the supplies"
He tells them he has to go away for a while and when he returns he finds the pile of sand untouched. "why didn't you sweep any of it?" he asks the Italian. The Italian replies, " I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat da chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies but he disappear an' I no finda him." The foreman turns to the Irishman why he didnt shovel. "aye, well i couldnt get myself a shovel. Ye left the chinese man in charge of supplies but i couldna find him."
The foreman is furious and storms off to find the chinese guy but can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Suddenly the chinese guy jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "Supplies!!'
