Triggering (SI) - So very close

[echo_scream]

Well ive lasted till this morning but im getting the feeling again.It all begin friday...

A normal day went from bad to horriffic with my nearly costing the company a £2 million pound contract,really dont want to go into the details safe to say the blame falls on me.I fell pretty low after this to the point of breaking my promise to stop, thankfully there were no instruments around and by the time i got home id managed to calm down enough.

Still recovering from this i met my other half the next day.I went straight past 'GO' and into happiness, though she seemed evasive and a bit reclusive however on my high i didnt really take note of it. The next morning she confessed in flood of tears to having kissed some random guy while drunk friday night,she did however turn down his offer to go to his house.......at the time i simply accepted it while cheering her up and letting her know i dont own her, that we all make stupid mistakes and that i still love her...

Its monday morning and between the horrific rain,my boss getting ready to have a 'chat' about friday,the doctors letter to work,me blaming myself for her actions friday,money,my future.I ve found myself thinking dangerous thoughts......

*am i worth it*
*what did i do to deserve this*
*is somthing wrong with me*
*there must be a reason these things happen to me*
*mabye im meant to suffer*

I know where this leads and im trying to stop but works nearly empty due to the weather and i have a blade on me, it'd be so easy to simply let it out.

A part of me thinks that im nearly 4months free why waste all that time in a moment of self pity.On the other hand i know it works the possibility of just ending this inner pain for awhile is really quite tempting.

What a conundrum either let it out and possible get stuck back in a loop of having one answer to any negativity, or bottle it up and mabye see if the cork blows again...

[The Hierophant]

None of this is your fault entirely.
I'm sure everything will work out fine.
You are loved and cared for.
4 months is a great achievement.
You should be proud of yourself!
Keep safe and you can pm me anytime.

[chocostashchick]

take it one step at a time
whatever you do those 4 months are something to be proud of
i think you should talk to your girlfriend - always good to be open and i am sure she wants to support you

[~*forever_broken*~]

Four months, good job! I'm sorry things seem to be going so lousy at the moment...try and hang in there (I know, easier said than done)...sorry I'm not in a position to offer any words of wisdome at the moment.
Take care.
Alyssa

[Bitter_Angel]

Firstly get rid of the blade!!!
In the long run, it dosnt solve anything. Sure it gives you a temporary relief, but afterwards more negative thoughts come. guilt an such. As do the urges to do it over again. That is not what you need righ now.
So get rid of the blade. You dont want to act on inpulse. If you have no blade, then you have time to calm down before you get hold of one.

Not very good advice, but in the end, what will be will be. You said you nearly lost the money, which means that you didnt actually lose it. So there should be no major damage done. Maybe try taling to someone about how you are feeling. Have a good cry about it. Much more productive than giving in hun

4 months is amazing. Congratualtions!!

[TouchVanDerBoom]

Four months is impressive. So far I've managed about 3 weeks. Sounds like you have a lot of pressure on you so I can really understand the temptation to do it again. I think it's a bad idea if you are really trying and wanting to stop. Remember though that if you slip up it's ok too. ((hug))

[echo_scream]

Thanks for all the replys i feel much better now (as a surprise my GF came round last night without telling me!).

I managed to stop myself.... in anycase my job unfortunatly entails a fair bit of work using blades so i cant really avoid carrying one, best way ive found is to get it really dirty since i wont dare take somthing like that to myself.

Well to be honest works just been awful in general and im really begining to think of finishing my training and leaving the place.


I am quite impressed with myself for the 4months, though all i have to deal with now is;

Works discovery of my medication (i stopped in march) requiring a medical report (really worrying me especially if the doctor says how i dealt with the pressure) just hoping i wont have to veto the letter when i read it....

My boss now watching me like a hawk and asking other people about 'how i am'.Not mentioning my parents tip toeing around me (I confessed to the marks to them finally).

My financial strain since my pay raise was posponed pending review.

Going for my possible future degree or not...

Dealing with the fact that after all this time the scars can still be seen,

My friends getting upset about me being so very busy (though they keep silent),

trying to book a holiday with lynsey (not as easy as i thought),

Well those are the main ones so nothing too serious though i really am taking it one day at a time and just dealing with them one at a time.Just had a god awful couple of days that really worked me down...

Thank you all so much ill try keep things together and remind myself its my life and i live it for my own enjoyment regardless of how much other people cause me harm through word,action or intent.

I give my heartfelt thanks to all you great,friendly,kind,caring,lovable,beautiful,intre sting,intelligent
people..

TouchVanDerBoom,bitter_angel,Ally83,chocostashchic k,Aeryn
Thanks.