help a friend??? plz read

[milliemarshall]

I have a friend and this friend was abused when she was 10 and 12. She lived with her mom and her mom was NEVER there and always had party's with guys and everyone always got drunk. She doesn't remember much about the 1st time she was abused but she remembers the 2nd time she was raped. She thinks about it a lot and she says its like a movie playing in her head sometimes. She used to cut too but its been awhile since she has..but she still has urges. She also is very negative...about herself. She is always putting herself down.

Anyways, my problem is....is that I dont know what to say to her. I dont know how to help her. And I really want to.

About the urges

• Do I get mad at her or try to control what she does (like...go lay down on your bed and dont move till the urge goes away or make her sit on her hands) If I told her she had to do something like that, she would do it. She would do it just because she would be scared of me and I dont want her to be scared of me cause I wont EVER hurt her but does that matter when she is upset or wanting to cut?

OR

• Do I comfort her and support her (like...I understand why you want to cut, and if you do cut we will get past it but you know I care about you and love you and dont want you to cut) will that make her feel better knowing i understand and that im not mad, and that she knows I care and love her and dont want anything to happen or will she still cut?

OR

• Both??? and see what works

AND
....about the abuse thinking....

• Do I talk to her about the things that she remembers and try and get her to think of the positive.

OR

• Do I ignore it and not talk about it at all

AND
....about being negative....

• Do I make her replace a negative with the positive? (like...when she says she does everything wrong, should I make her say or name things she doesn't do wrong...like instead of saying the glass is half empty, tell her to say the glass is half full)

OR

• Do I just keep telling her the positive things about herself and naming the good things about her and hope she listens to me and starts to believe me in what im saying.

OR

• Both??

WHAT DO YOU THINK i SHOULD DO??
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK...

[so_what]

I'll try to help you, but I don't know it either..

I think when she wants to cut, she should tell you. You can go do something fun and distracting until the urge is over...Just try to do anything what has to do NOTHING with cutting or negative things...Tell her you'll always be there for her.

About the abuse thinking and the negative thougts about herself...I can't really help you with that...I think she should talk about it a lot...Try the best you can to listen...You should keep on telling her positive things, but don't force her to say positive things about herself...

*hugs*
-x- So_What

[lucylou]

My story a little like hers. My best advice - be a mate. Sometimes when I want to cut telling a friend how I feel so she can talk it through with me and try to distract me means I don't actually do it.

Re cutting. Don't get cross or upset - it'll put her off confiding in you and make her feel worse if she does do it. Encourage her not to, distract her, try to get her out for a walk, a coffee whatever. But when she does it, tell her it doesn't matter, point out how well she did up till then (you wanted to cut yesterday but you've managed to go a whole day without doing it, its two weeks since you last cut, you are doing really well etc)

Re the abuse - Let her talk if she wants to and you can handle it but encourage her to talk to a professional.

Good luck - she's lucky to have a friend like you