Triggering (SI/OD) - also trigs for sui...UPATED # 12, pls read. (sorry sooooooo long)
well...i got up from the ground
and just got slammed downeven farther.
I s just release4d from hopsitl this morning...i walked out.... and just walked home.
**** em.....
sanother doc to do nothing for me....
the mother****er sta ther, while i creied in his pofficeyesterday, beggingfor help....he gave me a list of nes to try...but nno phone numbers, but so sorry he doesnt want to take on a psych p atient....i told him i ddET HIM to bhe spych, just to refer me..but he says NO. Because he h " done so in the past and the psych might klet the patient loose and puts errm back im my lap'......"I'm not doing that anymore"
so i took the paper, said thankfor ****ing nothing and walked out...
collaspsed on the cub and sobbed my eyes oput.....and not e person asked "are you ok?" or "can i help?"
nothing....
and i dstarted taking pills, handfulls, i took all i had n me....alot s i had just filled scripts, just cuts and pills and tears
i calld my hubby and he heard maybe three wopr (cohetrent ones) and said stay on the le, im coming....so he stayed on the phone a buit th me......then i noticed the trafic going by....
lots of trauic
rush hour traffic
I actually told mt hubby was scared as i was suddenly othe side of the road with no idea how i got there....
he mademe promise to step away....
obviously i did...anthen i lost time till he got ther....and hes asking "where e you hurt? where is ther blood coming fro?"
....
and i DIDNT KNOW!!!! I forgot i had cut myself all upiwasnar out of it by then cos it takes him near an hour top get to m...and an empty stomach...
she carried me into his truck, cleaned me up at home, told him i jusst wanted to go home then we would go to hospital. so i had a beer, told daughter i wans well and had to go in again, so off we went
I apparentently carved upy leg pretty good....from ankle bone to knee bone, nice fat, gaPINgcu8ts....i never counted how many, even n
why???
i dont care....
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Ack. So another incompetent boob as a doctor. KEEP TRYING! Make appointments with a zillion doctors if you needto and keep trying until you find one that actually gives a damn about something other than there paycheck. though, to be fair, this one didn't sound as f*cked up as the last one! *cuddles you tightyl* romp... maybe back in hospital is the place to be. for a longer stay. my dear, don't give up. NEVER give up. You may stop believing but I never well. I KNOW you have the strength to get past ths. I KNOW it. *cuddes so tightly*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
You've had such a hard time with doctors lately haven't you? But you will find one who will help you, just try to keep going until then. I hope you get some decent help at the hospital. Look after yourself hun. x
Feel useless and not able to provide you any useful reply. I wanted you to know that I read your post and am outraged by your treatment. I can't believe what some docs are like. You are amazing to keep fighting. Don't let the idiots wreck things. Keep safe.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I never know what to say to ur posts, because it wouldn't be enough. I dont know how u manage it when things r so difficult - its overwhelming.
The doctor you saw should be utterly ashamed of themself.
I can only hope that you are safe with your husband. I think you need to stay with him or someone who can look after you, all the time because I trully dread to think if you were drugged up on an OD and actually blindly misjudged walking across a road and were hit or something. It doesn't bear thinking about but u need to be kept safe.
Your other thread about the strain of arthiritus u were dx with bcos of the anorexia actually brought tears to my eyes. i still didnt know what to say tho.
I remember not so long ago the post you wrote about being so enthusiastic about recovery.
You need to hold on, for you, your daughter and ur husband. Doesnt matter which order that's in.
{Romperfry}
You're an icon of strength.
Romp hunny
I am sorry you had another terrible experience with a doctor. Keep fighting tho romp till you find someone. Look after yourself sweetheart
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
My heart goes out to you. I know how much you want and need a good doctor. I had everything crossed for you this time
How heartless that doctor was, he didnt even try and help. You deserve someone so much better. Oh honey, no wonder why you felt so crap and wanted to cut.
I wish I could sit there and hold your hand and keep your company, talk to you so you can let it all out. Oh Honey I wish I could do more for you. Could the hospital put you in touch with a doctor who would take you on.
Im glad your Hubby came and saved you. Ive lost time recently and its very scary. Im glad your safe and you managed to cross the road safetly.
Keep fighting honey, Please dont give up. I know your family and I would be lost without you. Your a star. Look at how many on RYL would be lost without you.
I know your having trouble with your email right now. I have written you loads, it just shows how important you are to me.
Honey its there loss, I do believe there is a doctor out there for you, you just havent found him/her yet. Phone the hopsital and ask them.
My Doctor told me on Friday that I had diabetes. Type 2. So I am now on tablets for that as well, they want to get me off my Olanzipine ( Zyprexa ) as soon as possible.
i feel the need to write out what happened, more coherently and because my old keyboard was stupid and would miss letters/words....and i was too agitated to fix at the time....also, an update too i suppose.
OK, i went to the ne GP...all full of hope (i can never NOT hope so hard...even tho i am always let down), that he could help,could refer me to a psych and maybe helwith meds (my boob of a doc now has dumped it in MY lap tfind another AD to augment the others...nice huh???)
Anways, i went in, told alxplained why i was there and what i hopin he could do.....
Wll, as i said, he refused m as he says he has been in this situtionn before and he does NOT feel confident/qualified to gve/change/monitor psych mds....(even tho i wanyed NON of that...i just wanted someone who l hoped would listen and , hopefully, refer me to a good psych.
As i say, he refused because he said he has doehis before, had the psych 'dump' the patient and he is left, unprepared/uable to handle himslef
Well....somethiinside me doied when he said ll that. I went cold and nmb...but i did someg i NEVER do....i begged...and cried. I could NOT stop the tears.
All he did (besides shatter me) was give me a printout of other GP names...thats it, UST names...no addy's, numbers, no idea who they were even!
I told him 'thanks for ****in nothing', left his office, went round the corner of the 'sp-mall' and literaly collasped on the curb/sidewalk. I hugged m knees and sobbed. I didnt ca who heard/saw...and it is BUSY place. Allhe while i was ther, not ONE prson asked 'are you ook?' NOTHING!!!! I simply can NOT understand th....it completely baffles me because it is something i wouldnt en CONSIDER/hesistat to do myself.
I caed my hubby immediately and when i heard his voice EALLY broke, because he is 'safe'. He s, hold on, alked to the other guy d said he had to leave immediatel. Told me he was coimingright away....but he works n another city and at that tie he would(did) have to bate the middle of rushhour traffic. But he drove FAST...i reze that now; then it felt foreer. While we were t i lookd up and suddenly went completey numb, cold, i dssocisated majorly. When i lkooked yup,it was the street i saw; one of the busist ones in my city...and all i saw ere cars, FAST cars, ppl impatient to get home.
I told myhubby what i saw...and i hate mysf for this, but i told him i felt such a strong urge.no a NEED, to step in front of a bus o other large vehicle....but, the only ing that stopped me was the fact i imply coiuldnt do that to someoe...or to my hubband daughter....it would have kiled me for sure.
I stayed cold and detached till he got there....but i discovered later, i had dug my very sharp, double bladed jakknife out of my bag and cut repeately, deeper and deper.
Then i remembered my lls in my bag ( I ALWAYS have a bit of eadup needing something, or e up spending the night somewhere un expectedly. So, i began taking them...i an out water before i ran out of pills... beuse iu had a whole little containerof ibuprofen icarry for my hubby or daughter,in case they need (due to my arthritis mds, i can not take these ones...but if i had more water......)
Well hubby pulled up but i nee even saw him. I was fxated on the road/cars, plus dissociasted.
He got a hell of a shock when he realized/saw y whole leg was just a ass of blood...and t ground aroundmy foot...at the time i didnt rmber cuttin so it would have been a shockto me too; IF i had of been able to feel....
well he wanted to take me to ER right away. i told j=him (in a voice he later told me was not mine, and scared him) that i wanted to go home first and have a beer....as i planned on being honest with the hospital and tell them i was extremely suicidal...so last one for who knew how long)
well we did that and then off to hosp.....he said we he NEVER been seen soi fast...i remember nothing really at this pint...the pills were working....he said SIX doors were around me, hooking mup to ICU equipment that hurts so much....thinki what he had to watch and how it st have scared hhim....). I was put onoxygen and tubes, intravenous galore....iwoke to see five needles in me, in my hands and arms....
supposedl i told them , at first, cohereny what i had taken...but then i began hallucinating and repeating mf and saying weird things, freakinut....they had to restrain me ie: tie me down as i was so out of it....(head to watch that too....god that huirts and shames me...)
i remember nothingtill 5 am the next morning, when i woke...tosee machines all arounde bed, a BP cuff that was going off every 3-5 minutes, and needles and IV's and botle/bags..i dozed off again.....
(hubby had gone out for a moke once they finished all ), ce back....and my bed (and I) was gone..he got scared as thery had told him may go into heart faliure due to the drugs i mixed) but theyad only moved me down two beds/spots....i fd out why later; so my TWO nurses could just look up and see me, and so i was nearest the hart defib. machine and other machines.....
(this huirts...but i need to say it....thank you for reading this, if youve managed to hang on this long....sorry it IS so long, but i need to say it...)
I slept and woke, disturbed by tdamned BP cuff going off constantly and all the beeping etc....
Skip to later that afternoon...
the psych saw me (another one who has seen me before).
and tn.....i 'played the game'...told him what had haopoene ....and then i lie. (ashamed) and said i didnt really want to die, that i 'realize it was stupid and just wanted the pai/disappointment to end...not me...yea...ok..****ing bullshit. BUT byhem i had thought of it and thought hohubby would have to come home after 10-12 hour d, cook dinner for them, overseeomlework, etc....and i cout do it to him....even thought i SHOULD have....and he expectet, hoped for it, that they owuld stailize me and then transfer me to the psych ward....
know what? Im thin,kmking now of aking him to take me tonight and being honest....telling them i will do it agan [truth] and that i am telling the i am still very suicidal....yet they never seem to think i nreed to stay,plus the bed spaces are few and usually full...but i thk it is the right thing to do.....so i *may* gone for awhile....god knows i ne it....but i HATE ot beiung in ocntrol, ofeing rewstricted....but trutbe told? I NEED it.....
(IF i tell him, IF they 'believe me', i shall be gone for awhile, with no comp access...but hubby could give me messages, if anyone felt like writing any.....)
OK, m stop now
SO SO SO sorry to dump a no on you all...thank you for ll your kind/thoughtful/carg freplies....skyran, i el the need...NO i WANT say thank uyou for all the suport you have been recently giving m....someone you dont even know!!!! I HOPE we can get tok?!!! IF you want to , thatis....
OK....shutting up
tha you, ALLLLLLLLLL of you forall you ALWAYS give me, *HUG CUDDLES AND THANKS*
*cuddles romp lots and shoves a bag in your hands* that has an endless supply of jess hugs in it. Just for you. Thouhg you can share them if you need to. *cuddles you tightly* honey i'm so scared i'm going to lose you, i hope to god that they believe you and admit you and look after you! I'm so scared for you and if i'm scared I can't imagine how afraid yoru family must be. HOn, can I have your address? I have something I want to send to you. *cuddles you tightly* I'm thinking of you darlin!
love always and FOREVER
your nnsbjb!
Jess
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
oh Rompers....
i am SO sorry you had to go through all that.
however, sadly, i can relate. i was terrified when i woke with all the tubes down my throat and i couldnt talk.
oh hunni.....i hope SO much that someone will help you.
youve fought so hard for so long.
it angers me Romp. for you. i dont understand these **** head docs. im beginning to hate these docs you tell us about. and i do mean hate.
i love you Rompers.
*endless snuggles*
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
thank you, both of you.
i hdecided to return to bridge house residential care facility) again.
I will let you kno before i go.
I NEED to be kept safe.
From ME
thank you all
*loves*
*sends box of hugs and loves to jess and rach...and whoever else wants* :o)
thank you
What you went through sounds awful. I hope you manage to find a decent doctor soon. Please do be honest with them about the way you are feeling so they can help you properly. I hope it helps going back to the care facility. Take care of yourself *hugs you*
love you to bits ween; yotruave touched my heart....many times :o). I only hopde i can give at least half back....well...actually double :P
thank yoru, irk. You always are there for me, cheering me on, lifting me up...just....always there....i thank you deeply. AND hope i can be/do the same for you. YOU are someone i would like ro ralk to more/ get to knw better....i hope we can!!!!
and yes, BH.....well its definitwly somewjere i need to be. Very qu8ickly
first off, don't feel badly for 'dumping' this on us, that's what we're here for!
i still can't believe what an ass that doc was. no one deserves to be treated like that. for each of the bad docs there must be at least one amazing one, i hope that this time you get a good one who can really help you. and plenty would have given up by now romp, but you're still fighting and still wanting to get help and get better, which is amazing....i think you're far stronger than you realise. and i genuinely do find it inspirational!
the hospital really does sounds terrifying, but i'm so glad you're ok. and your hubby sounds amazing and supportive, let him look after things for a while until you feel better, we (us and your family) all need you here romp!
i hope that you are able to get into the residential care place and tell them everything. i know that sometimes admitting the truth about how you can be so difficult though, maybe you could print off some posts from here to take with you and show them?
if you can, let us know how things are and whether you're going to be admitted.
and yes, i would love to talk more :), will keep posting here if (no, when) you go to bridge house, and i'll add my email address to my profile so you can use that if you'd like?
*squeezes*
you're in my thoughts,
please be gentle with yourself.
