Adult - i dont know [updated]2wice+1 recurring :P

Misunderstood. · 05-09-2008, 12:28 AM

iv not been good for a while but i suppose its better to talk about now. i hate how iv been today. i hate myself.
it prob shows if have read that iv been angry. iv been angry i all the wrong places at ppl that i shouldnt dream of being angry at. i dont know wahts wrong with me. been typing alot in my vent thread. iv been triggered for hours maybe all day. i dont kow if thats why iv been irritable ad agry i cant work it out cant even try.
its taken till now to just cry. i think cos i couldnt be stressed and wrong for any longer. i had to snap at some point. i hate how even now i seem robotic and unfeeling and horrible.

i saw the GP today to get slow release carbemazapine instead of the fast iv been taking. nd iv changed the pill i was i on cos my

The following content has been hidden - Reason : embarrassed

i wouldv posted earlier briefly maybe about that but even postig this now..i feel like iv put myself out there on the front lie for a barrage of insults.
ceiron and i went to the cinema yesterday evening and,..while i was laughing at the bits that were funny like other ppl were the rest of my brain was thinking i want to get a bottle of vodka and that i need something to take to escape my head and self.
i havent explained things v well. i rele dont like how iv been lately for me or for anyone else.
i just am so..nothing. within the 'system' and far too much 'inside'
if that makes sense.
cries more.
i hate it whe i dont know what to do. makes me feel so hopeless.

irkeninvader · 05-09-2008, 09:01 AM

Would it help you to talk about why you're stressed and feeling bad? If so, I'm happy to listen. *hugs you*

blue_cloud · 05-09-2008, 09:04 AM

nobody is going to insult you *hugs* please don't think that
i can understand where you are coming from you just feel disconnected from the world and nothing seems to make sense all that is going on is whats in your head and you desperately want to escape that in any way you can.
sorry i don't have any great advice to offer i just wanted you to know your not a lone and i am here to listen if you want to talk somemore or my pm is always there too
xxx

skyran · 05-09-2008, 09:26 AM

*hugs*
i don't seem to have the words this morning, sorry.
but i read your post and just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
pm if you want to chat.

sky xx

Misunderstood. · 05-09-2008, 10:43 AM

Thank you so much for the hugs and understanding.
I can't pin-point exactly what i'm stressed about. I know I get hugely irritated at 'home' eg. just now the washing machine is beeping bcos every electrical appliace in my mums kitchen beeps likes its a flipping nuclear disaster at the end of it's cycle or whatever.
in certain states every single noise that is beyond my control does my head in. If i can't control it i cant stand it. i wish i could move house, again bcos i dont like living with parents. i feel far too adult to even have to think about answering to them.
im aggravated as im writing this post which'll make it turn out different to if i wasn't. im not the sort of person that would just yell shutup or smash something, im too restrained but the stress and anger i get lately is such a horrible feeling i wish i could purge it from my soul somehow.
those r trivial things to be stressed about. not trivial that i amn't even living where i want to be.
iv been thinking far too often lately and desperately urging to either tear my arm open or smash my head to pieces thru stress. i wont do it but thats whats worse. i dont how to get rid of feeling so irritated.

irkeninvader · 05-09-2008, 10:52 AM

Could you find a hobby that you could direct the energy of your stress/anger into? I can't think of anything off the top of my head right now but either something you enjoy, or something that's energetic and will help you burn off that stress?

blue_cloud · 05-09-2008, 12:04 PM

nothing is too trivial if its upsetting you and stressing you out then its good you can voice it, in fact i think living situations can affect a person alot!
i am not sure i have any great ideas for dealing with anger but some i can think of are
Writing your feelings down use as many awfull words as you like, you can even make it as its a letter to someone who has made you angry, then tear the letter up, burn it, scribble on it whatever you feel might help
screaming into a pillow can act as a quick fix or even better if you have any open countryside scream at the toip of your lungs to release it!
punching, kicking or throwing a pillow also might help
or any distraction technique try doing something you enjoy see if that helps
power walk it off
not sure if any of them will be of any help, but one or some of them may be worth a try
xxx

ceiron · 05-09-2008, 07:57 PM

i am always here for you if you want or need me

i can find time for you

:) huggles

blondiebear · 06-09-2008, 05:24 AM

I understand about the noise. It is easy for me to get overwhelmed then turn mean. Trust me the words "will you shut up!" do not make for a good relationship with my husband.

I'm here and if nothing else, will listen.

Misunderstood. · 06-09-2008, 01:44 PM

I do sometimes feel like shouting something like that too lol.
I feel wrecked mentally atm.
I stayed away from home last night and it was the worst day i could have done because i had to miss my evening meds which is the 800mg carbemazapine out of the 1000 i take in a day as i changed to slow release today. so it was abad decision and i was irresponsible i have leart since eventually getting home at midday today.
i dont even know what to put. i dont like that i can be this mentally destroyed just by missing two doses of medication.
i wont be making any changes to my routine again until i can be responsible enough about my health to.
today so far has been awful but im rele glad to be home where ppl understand the severity of the consequences what i did.
because no one else seemed to have any idea!
im glad i managed to restrain myself to the point i did. i burst into tears twice but my head has been such a mess and rele loud and horrible. my behaviour could've been alot worse i suppose. im embarrassed that i got so upset in front of ppl. i know i have every right to have been so upset its just the fact that i dont think they had any idea why i was emoting so much.

blondiebear · 06-09-2008, 03:08 PM

I have significant problems if I miss a single dose of my meds or if I take them late. And I have different ones to take in the morning and evening. If I won't be at home, I take them with me. I've taken them enough so I know that I can drive ok.

It is okay if you tell your friends what is going on. You don't have to tell them everything, all of the details, if you don't want to.

Take care of yourself.

Misunderstood. · 06-09-2008, 10:50 PM

Have improved since I got home. My mum spoke to me about needing to pla things alot better when I go out. Knowing when I'm going to be back before I leave the house, taking more than enough medication etc which was rele helpful. She did unltimately say that I was irresponsible and need to behave like a adult if I want to be treated like one which was in regard to the fact she was angry / worried at the fact that at 2224 yesterday I phoned her to say I'd be staying away from home.
I should've known that the main issue was the fact I needed to come home for my medication either to pick it up or just not stay out at all. My choice but I saw her bringing up medication as an issue to get home for as a way of her restricting me staying out which was wrong entirely and not her intention.
When I got in she had my meds out ready with a glass of water, asked me if I'd eaten, I hadn't so she said I needed to get something to eat then I went upstairs and lied down. She knocked on my door about 10 mins later to see how I was I said I didn't feel well and she asked in what way so then we spoke for a while. I drifted out of the conversation a little while thru which i tend to do when not my best because i literally couldnt hold my concentration, not because i didnt think what was being was right ad well worth saying.
Mum was really worried =[ She said she had a pretty good idea of the state i'd be in when i got in the door.
I feel like I'm going to burst into tears again but im in the lounge typing this while they and i watch king kong on ITV.
It really does make me see how much i should listen to her no matter how right I think I am.
I really ****ed up and im just feeling rele lucky that i have the mum i do to always save the day.