I am so falling apart right now. Why does this always happen at 11pm to me? I don't know what to do. I've had an awful day which has been compounded in the last hour and a half or so. I am concerned about someone on here who I've been pm'ing about how I've been feeling cos she's been feeling the same - what I feel is terrifying enough. I can't support anyone properly at all cos I'm in such a bad place right now. And suicide just doesn't seem such a bad option to me right now, I'm still worried but it doesn't ~goes to show what an awful terrible person I am~
45 minutes ago I did an Internet search on the only man I ever ever felt safe with, and what came up? His wedding album. And it feels like my heart is being shredded into a thousand pieces.
My cpn has utterly let me down. I don't feel able to trust him at all. I'm genuinely scared he is going to rape me.
I can't stop I've not slept in days. I'm scared and frightened. I feel so stupid and disgusting and lonely right now.
Suicide isn't really the answer for you. I know what you mean about it not worrying you as it doesn't worry me. I find I need to keep reminding myself of other reasons to hang on - my sister really needs me at the moment and she is definitely worth the effort. Is there an event you could aim for or a person you know would be hurt by your death? If these thoughts are really bad right now, maybe you should call a helpline or contact your GP.
Why is it you think that your cpn will rape you? I don't want you to think that I am dismissing your fear because I am not (I thought my sister's husband was following me a few weeks ago and it really scared me but people just dismissed it and didn't help me reason through the situation, which I know would have helped).
Keep posting and take care
*hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Hey honey, is there something that happened around this time to make you associate it with a bad time? Is there something you can set in place to combat this? Put on some music or a dvd or something??
You can't support someone compeltely if you're having trouble yourslef! Let them know you're thinking of them but focus on you! *pets*
I'm sorry about your cpn. I wish I could help!!!! Can you go have a long shower and then try and get some rest?
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
It was 15 years last Tuesday since I was attacked. My CPN has been really unreliable and Ariel (the angel who wants me dead) says he will definitely rape me too. I had to borrow money from the man who hurt me on friday to keep my home. Two weeks ago Ariel made an attempt on my life cos I told her to ~yes I am that fecking stupid I actually thought she was the illusion everyone said she was~ and now it's coming up to my date too and that's why I'm scared about Dramatic*.
I don't even think I want to live anymore.
I hate this so much. My GP won't do anything but refer me to crisis team and they've been worse than hopeless. I felt dismissed by my cpn this morning and frankly stupid. I hate being told I'm 'so strong' as if it is a reason to leave me to struggle alone.
I can't have a shower or anything like that cos of my health problems without someone with me. I'm not actually at home, have quite a long walk before I get there.
And knowing about Rhydian on top has just really made things feel even more unbearable.
Im sorry sweetheart, I wish I could help. *hugs you tight* your cpn sounds like a dick. *pets lots* i think laura will be okay. I wont let msyelf think anything other than that. I'm sorry this is fairly useless! *cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
It doesn't. Lots of people fight getting better becasue they're scared of new feelings. And being well is actually much harder then being unwell in a twisted sort of way...
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
It's the not fighting that scares me. I'm a fighting type person if you know what I mean. I was willing to go through anything to get better - even the cr*p that the psych clinic gave me, but then two weeks ago I discovered just how far Ariel would go to destroy me and that terrifies me as does knowing that when I spoke to the psych clinic about it their response was, I thought inappropriate.
They just don't get how hard things are for me emotionally, physically and financially. I feel dismissed by them. Like I'm in their way. They pretend not but I know I am really.
I have wasted thousands on wanting to get well and for what? When things truely go down the pan to be left struggling. All the therapy I paid for was to help me see that they wouldn't just walk away when I was in trouble and I could trust them.
Trust us, Love. We're not there in body, but we are here, listening to what you are telling us.
You're right - you can't help others all the time, and you shouldn't feel that you have to. You have to look after yourself from time to time, it's not selfish, its survival.
I think you should write to your cpn, especially if you feel that he might hurt you. Writing to him might help you feel better, you can post it to him so you don't have to be in the same room as him when he reads it. That might make you feel a little safer. Also is there another, female cpn you can change to? (I've not gone through that so I don't know what the situation is - whether you have the option to change to another or not).
Suicide is not an option, really.
And I agree with Jess, people don't like change because it's scary. Not fighting is a new feeling for you, and its scary.
Let us know how you are feeling at the mo. And don't worry about it being a long post, that's what RYL is here for.
Type away, Love.
Loz x
You don't have to be a monkey to recognize a banana!
It's sounds so selfish to want help in person, but I do. I'm so fed up of hearing about how things are for other people. I honestly cannot see any other way out. I just feel utterly abandoned to Ariel and everything that is happening to me.
I can't help anyone anymore. Never mind all the time. I just end up dumping all of my problems on to them and that is soooo unfair of me
I just feel ......... (literally a line of dots). Just that. I don't know how writing to him will help. I've done that before but it isn't taken notice of. Just ignored. Ariel has been right about so many things being lies that he has said to me, I can't believe this is a lie too. People say she is wrong, here (cos only you really know about her) but how can she be wrong if she is right so much of the time? How can I fight something that only I see and can do such horrendous things to me and others, alone?
I feel desperately desolate. I've used the word desolate before but it is right for now anything even death would be better than this. Get me out of everyones way, even if it meant eternity stuck like this at least I wouldn't be in anyones way, wasting their resources. I saw a picture on the Internet yesterday and it was a drawing someone had made of being suicidal and it was just how I felt, utterly how I felt. It was a tunnel entrance covered in barbed wire, all around the entrance was spikes, on the walls on the floors, the only way was the tunnel that led to stairs and a way out. The only way.
Don't be sorry Becca hun, things are really hard for you right now and it's ok to post on RYL and to reach out for help.
I really do think you should ask GP if she can see about getting you a new CPN or writing and asking your CPN if he can sort something himself. Perhaps with your complaint letter this might get sorted?
I'm worried about you, I really hope you aren't going to do anything. I know it's hard and it's selfish of me to not want you too because I'd miss you but I would.
xxx
Don't apologise about the way you feel, Love. It's not wrong to feel shitty.
I don't think it's selfish or unfair of you to 'dump' your problems on other people, especially if you've been helping others (which you have). It's only fair that people try to help you.
I'm not a psychologist so I don't really know what to tell you about Ariel. Except it sounds like a manifestation of your own negative thoughts and feelings (forgive me if not). Is it always there? Does it ever leave you alone? Can you tell it to piss off and leave you alone?
I don't think getting out of the way of people would help anyone. If you died, you would still be in everyone's thoughts and actions. So you would NOT be out of the way. At all. And not forgotten either.
Its not the only way out, Love, there are others less drastic and less permanent. You could turn round and find another way. And there is always onwards and upwards in life.
I don't really know what else to tell you - my coping mechanisms are probably not the same as yours, I cut yes; but I also write stories so I can concentrate on someone else, not me; I attempt to draw; I do cross stitch; I read books; I go out for a long drive in my car; I watch TV including documentaries; I play with my cats; and I also, when needs must, bury my face in a teddy bear and sob my guts out. I don't know if any would help you, but maybe try something? It might distract you for a while.
And again, don't apologise for feeling ****. You're allowed to. You're just NOT allowed to do yourself in.
Loz xx
You don't have to be a monkey to recognize a banana!
I don't know of anyone I have helped. Ever. Three people I was close to commited suicide within a year.
Getting out of the way *would* help. It would free up all the NHS resources that are being wasted on me. It would stop people worrying about me, cos they would know I was finally not a burden to them anymore. Ariel is there most of the time. When I told Ariel to piss off, she took control of me and slashed an artery. She is my only true friend. She doesn't lie to me like everyone else does.
I haven't lied to you Becca, although I know perhaps Ariel tells you that I have.
I wouldn't want you to commit suicide, I lost some very close friends to suicide as well so I can relate to the guilt you make experience because of it but Becca darling, it wasn't your fault. It doesn't mean that you didn't support them enough.
You have helped me, you are so kind & caring & always ask if I am ok which is really sweet of you & shows what a caring person you are.
I've not slept in days. I'm scared and frightened. I feel so stupid and disgusting and lonely right now. 
