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Unsure where I should be posting this, sorry. *long*
Apologies if this is in the wrong section and has to be removed.
I'm just after some advice as to the next step.
In the Self Injury Support forum, I posted asking for advice on what to do with regards to getting help with SI. The majority of replies suggested that I go to the doctor's, be honest, and ask about a counseling service.
I have made an appointment to talk to my doctor. (I needed to see her about something else anyway). Unfortunately, I could only fit it in for next Wednesday. So 6 days away.
So I'm in a bit of a predicament as to how to handle myself until then.
Whilst I've not done anything harmful to myself since I last posted, the urge has been there, and I've been feeling more and more down. Almost to the point where I am feeling the inklings of depression once more.
When I last found myself in this situation, I could cope OK, because I had my family, a college counselor and a therapist. I don't have any of those things at the minute. Another factor that made it easier was that nobody really cared if I looked upset/a bit down in college.
I currently have a job involving a massive deal of interaction with the public; mainly families with young children. I've always struggled socially as my interpersonal skills are somewhat lacking although they have improved since I got this job but I digress.
Today, I went in to work at 9 as usual, feeling horrendously down, as I had been doing since I woke up. It took me over an hour to do a job that should have taken 20 minutes, then I returned to my little trailer where I sat down feeling sorry for myself. I heard voices and looked out on to the field and there was a big party of small kids. I got really scared and intimidated and just hid back in the trailer until they went away, which took a while.
Eventually, I signed out sick at 12pm and my workmate had to come in on his day off and cover me because I couldn't cope being there and having to deal with the public.
At 1:30 and 3PM, I have to do deer feeding and guinea pig handling respectively, where I give people the opportunity, to, well, feed the deer and handle guinea pigs. These attractions are popular and involve me putting my happy, smiley face on for quite some time. Usually I can do it. Today, I couldn't. I tried snapping myself out of it. I rang my BF and burst in to tears but there wasn't really anything he could do.
I'm terrified of going in to work tomorrow for the same reasons, and it's my weekend on, and I'm doing a full day on Monday to make up for going home today. So the next three days, I'm doing 9-6 on my own and to be honest, I'm really not sure how to deal with this.
It's hard enough putting on a brave face around my BF's family, as I currently live with them, let alone dealing with large groups of unfamiliar people, some of whom are less than kind.
I'm sorry for the relentless waffle. I just really don't know what to do. I can't do my job but my job at the minute is essential. Even though I hate it. For other reasons aswell as the above. I'm starting to look for new jobs but it still doesn't mean I can get away from where I work currently.
I've no idea if I've made my point here, or asked the questions I want to ask. Hopefully someone will be able to pick out the essential bits and offer some advice. I'm really sorry for the rant, tbh, I wasn't expecting it to turn in to such an essay. If you've got this far, thanks for reading.
Steph.
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