I'm ill, physically. Sore throat, snotty nose, shivvery and weak.
I'm sleeping in the room where he touched me for the first time (although it's my bedroom & always has been so not quite sure why it's affecting me this much now?).
Home isn't good. Like, really isn't good.
I go back to Southampton soon though, which is good. Except I won't get paid 'til after my rent is due. Know it doesn't make much difference but I will have to borrow the money off my mum which is a bugger.
Have no energy. Am sooo tired.
Just feel, alone, really.
Supposed to be going to see someone from Connexions this weekend to talk about the rape and stuff, just someone to talk to, y'know? I don't want to. It's too raw right now.
I hate having a sore throat. It's like every time I swallow his hands are around my neck again. November time that was. Nearly a year ago.
3 weeks of seeing him everywhere I went, and then in December he finally got me. Hands round my throat. No air to my lungs. Knee to my crotch. It wasn't his strength that overpowered me, it was my own fear.
It's taken me this long to even acknolege that it happened. Haha.
*cuddles chelsea bear lots* honey, it will always have moment off being raw until you can really talk it through and let that wound inside you start to heal. *hugs you tightly* I don't really have much else to add, just pm me or message me on msn if you need me! *cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
It's funny how I always forget the bit about him letting me go, and then him walking away, and then me running after him . He turns round. I hit him. I tell him that if he ever comes near me again I'll call the police. I'll tell his and mine parents exactly what happened. He tells me I wouldn't. I ask him if he wants to risk it.
I get my phone out. I point at it and tell him that every single person in that phone would gladly rip his balls off and make him eat them. I ask him if he wants me to call someone so I can prove it. Thank god he didn't because the person I'd call was on holiday at the time. Bluffing is hard.
That's not the bit I remember though. The bit I remember is his hands round my throat and the fact that I thought I was going to die.
As much as it hurts, if you take care of it, talk about it now, it will heal. You will be emotionally scarred, anyone would, but you will heal.
Please dont' carry it around. Give yourself the gift of healing.
*hugs*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
It's like everything I've ever known has disappeared.
I don't trust anybody any more. Anything good anybody tells me about myself is over-ruled by the voice in my head telling me I'm second best. Saying that despite the fact that I might be X Y or Z and that these are good things I was STILL pushed aside so readily.
I'm always around if you need to talk or anything - I know what it's like to be obsessing over one thought all the time, so if you ever need someone to listen/understand I'm here.
it took me 7 year to actually admit what happened to me so well done for trying to face it now, being ill on top of everything else is really sucky, i hope you feel better soon, stay strong your doing so well xxx
Aw hun, I'm sorry. It's good that you enjoyed your weekend though. I know it's hard but could you try to focus on the good things about your weekend, is it possible to focus on what you enjoyed rather than what it reminded you of?
you know where I am if you need to talk, at anytime. And If i lived closer i'd come and give you a big hug and we'd sit and talk and laugh at my "american" accent :p
I'm sorry i have no real advice. but i have read what you've said, i care, im here and i love you.
xxxx
It's good that you were able to resist the urges to harm yourself but try not to let it build up too much. Is there anything you could do to let some of it out without hurting yourself? Go somewhere and scream and shout or throw things? x
