I feel a bit cheeky posting a thread when no-one knows me, but still. Here goes.
My husband left me about a month and a half ago. I love him. So much. But turns out he made a "huge mistake" by marrying me and now it feels that those four years we had together - four wonderful years, I thought - were just a big fat lie.
He was the one who helped me stop SIing. He made me feel like life was worth it. He was so, so good for me. For the first time in my life, I felt special.
On my wedding day, when I walked down that aisle, I really believed it was forever.
And now, less that a year later, he's gone. And there's no-one here for me, no reason to believe that there's anything worth sticking around for.
It's just one final kick in the teeth and I just don't think I can take it again. One abandonment too many. People say things will get easier, that it will get better, but how can I believe that? It hasn't yet. I'm twenty two years old and I've been teetering on the edge of suicide for most of that time. How can I believe that this time, just because people say it will, that it's actually true?
I'm so close. So so close. I can't stop thinking about it. And I've stopped taking my meds, which always seems to precede an incident. And I know it's stupid - I feel crap, so I stop taking my meds, so I feel worse. It's a self-fulfulling prophesy. But when I think about it, this is me. Chemically unaltered. The real me.
Please, pick up your meds again. They don't chemically alter you. They correct the amounts and functioning of the chemicals that help the nerves in the brain talk to each other. I literally take a handful and that is ok, bucause it is fixing the chemistry, so I can get out of bed and do the rest of the work to help me get better.
I've had a lot of relationships end in the last three years. I've felt abandoned. But I've also learned new ways to cope. I've learned that sometimes I'm going to hurt and there is nothing I can do about it except accept it and live with it.
Can you start taking your meds again. Then going to a therapist or counselor can help a lot.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
I know it;s hard to believe, and it does sound like a cliche, but things will get better.
As for meds, I'm terrible at staying on them too, and I understand your thoughts on having the 'real' you around, rather than the medicated you. But the meds don't change who you are, they just help you cope a little easier with life. Underneath you're still there, you're just using meds to get you through a tough time.
And in time, who knows? You may well find that if you stay on your meds for as long as you need them, then come off them gradually, that you can cope without them. But going on and off them will only make things feel worse.
I need to ask, are you YOU for you. or for Someone else. You're who you are for YOU! It shouldn't need someone else to make that. I know it's hard and not true for almost everyone! But you CAN get past this. Even if you're determined to do it just to show him that you are stronger then him! *cuddles* I'm sorry I have nothing really good to give but the others give good advice. *hugs lots*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time of it lately.
I wanted to reply because I can empathise. I was with my ex for 2 years and I was so sure we were meant to be forever. I was wrong. I didn't realise how wrong I was until about 8 months later. I felt human again without him, like my own person.
Now I'm about to get married to a wonderful man. Because things get better. Once the fog lifts, things make sense again and you can see clearly.
I know it's tough coping when you feel abandoned. But don't let this beat you, don't let him win. Move up and out without him, don't get sucked into needing someone to be who you are.
I would recommend taking up the meds again, purely because they're not what you think they are. They don't change you, they can make you.
It can be tough to get the right mix of meds etc, but once you find it it can be like someone turned the light back on.
Talking to a psych or a counsellor is right for some and not for others. But you never know unless you try.
Good luck, stay in touch and let us know how it goes?
Be strong.
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
I appreciate what you're saying and I know the meds are there to help - but it's been three years I've been taking them. I'm getting CBT too (although I haven't had an appointment for a couple of weeks because my therapist has had a bit of a family tragedy). It's just dark at the moment. So dark.
I appreciate that. I do understand how dark things get. Is there a reason you don't want to carry on with the meds other than not feeling right?
Sometimes it can just need a shake up, trying some new ones or a new doseage?
I don't know what to suggest but I am happy to listen and help where I can.
Look after yourself,
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
