i'm quite suicidal at the moment. i've got a plan and half the means. now i'm just waiting. which is pretty boring.
i don't want to be talked out of it, because i can't be.
i don't want all THIS anymore, the self-hatred, the voice, the things he tells me, the guilt, the hopelessness, the pointlessness. i want to make it stop.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : boring
but if there was magic words, i'd say them. if someone said "don't do it, i will help you even if everything you think is true" i would probably accept. i know no one can say that, and less, mean it. who would help an impersonal life-stealer who'll never really live or die because they're not a somebody, just a thing? no one. and people say nice things, but they're either deceived or deceiving.
maybe i could wait, but i'd need someone more powerful than the voice to wait with me. i've been told God's already doing that, but the voice says that's a lie.
what can anyone do? just on here, there's always people needing help, people who can't do it on their own, people who feel like they can't do it at all, even with all the king's men. and everyone wants them to make it, to be happy again. empathy and sympathy only go so far. there are always people saying 'i have nothing to live for', 'i have no one to help', 'the pain will never stop' maybe 'people are following me' or 'i have to carry out a divine plan' and everyone replies 'you do', 'you will', 'it can', 'they're not' or 'you don't' as appropriate, but we don't KNOW. we want our encouragements to be true, but who's to say they are.
wanting things doesn't make them happen. the will to win is not enough and sometimes neither is applying oneself.
i could tell someone. i'm telling all you lot for a start.
i could tell my GP
i could tell CAMHS
i could tell my psychotherapist, B
i could tell the Samaritans.
i could tell any of them.
and they'd say
well i don't know what the GP would say. anyone know?
CAMHS would get my ma to take away the tablets and tell me to bugger off like a good girl. that's a no.
B would talk about why i wanted to do it and then ask if she needed to tell anyone.
the Samaritans would go through why i want to do it and end up advising me to tell someone around me. that's a no too.
i don't really want to do this, but i don't want to NOT do it either, you know? i'm just tired of this.
ok this was stupidly long and ranty and i've probably already dismissed most sources of potential help BUT
i would really appreciate any advice.
what would happen if i told someone?
Last edited by tamo >bhūtā : 24-08-2008 at 02:06 PM.
Reason: p***y change
I could tell you not to go through with it, but by your post, what would that achieve?
There's nothing I can really do through a website such as this but offer my support and tell you that things will not be better this way, that it is not the better option for you. I won't patronise you with the "suicide is a temporary solution" quote.
May I ask what you're waiting for? Perhaps for somebody to reach out and help you? Please do not do anything.
You need to concentrate on the fact that how you're feeling now isn't going to last. Honest. Nothing is constant, it always changes. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but some time in the near future you WILL feel better. And you'll be glad you didn't kill yourself. It's easy to think about the here and now, but you need to step back and look at the bigger picture. Depression is treatable. It can go away. You can't do anything after you're dead, it's permanent.
I've been where you are, thinking of killing myself, planning it and I even attempted it. But since finding the right medication and the right people to talk to, I haven't felt suicidal or self harmed in eight and a half months. Now, I still feel low, but nowhere near that black, all consuming darkness. I have hope for the future, goals to work towards.
Never give up. You could be a minute away from a miracle.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Never give up. You could be a minute away from a miracle.
oh my gosh i love that.
i wish i had words to say. you need to know that no matter what it feels like that there ARE people who geninuly care about you and would be devastated. It wouldnt only affect you no matter what you think..theres somebody who will be affected by it. Thats what I have to constantly remind myself of and usually its the only thing that gets me through when im so low. Nobody can talk you out of it if you dont want to be, but im sure anyone on here would strongly encourage you not to. Like somebody said previously that things WILL change no matter what it looks like. I have been suicidal since I was a teenager and while things are definatly not how i want them...there are so many things i would have missed out on if one of my previous attempts have been successful. Like just hearing my little boy laugh or the kitty cuddled in my lap as i type this. Just little things that may seem like no big deal but they inspire even the tiniest glimpse of hope and desire to get better when i just feel like giving up. At 16 17 even 20 i felt so much like i had nothing to live for and now at 25 im so thankful i didnt give up even though im feeling low right now i know if i can get the right help and keep going i will look back and be glad i didnt take my life at 25. i say this only to hope it inspires you. there are others that care and understand and you are not without value and worth no matter how you feel.
hugs
All i can say hun is you dont know for certain that the replys you get would be what you imagine.
You have nothing to lose by talking to someone. You might even be surprised.
I know you dont feel it but things will get better. Keep holding on. Life is worth it.
huggles
xxxxxxxx
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Can you try lots of different options before resulting to suicide?
Why is it that suicide is so appealling?
Can I ask, what were you hoping for from this post?
i can try different things, but i don't know what. my experiences with CAMHS the past 4 years have not been encouraging and from what they've said about the adult team, they'll only be less helpful. i know they're not the only people out there but.
maybe suicide sounds so good because once it's done, it's done. it is a permanent solution, there's no conflict once it's over with.
what i hoped for, um... things that might help that maybe i haven't thought of. that there are other ways if i want them. that i'm not by myself. i don't know, that sounds so stupid!
Last edited by tamo >bhūtā : 23-08-2008 at 04:33 PM.
Reason: blurgh
i'v found suicide appealing before too. one of the main things that stops me is dat do i really know if death will make things better? i mean it could make it worse for all we know. ultimately wer stil stuck with ourselves, so isn't it better to try and work thru our issues here and now, in a place that is familiar and we at least have sum idea of wats going to happen? i realy hope and pray this finds u in a much better frame of mind xo
"Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow No tomorrow And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you" Mad World, Gary Jules
thank you so much, everyone, for your replies. your thoughts have really helped and made it much easier to think things through slightly differently.
i have decided to put off any plans i have for a few weeks: it's my sister's birthday and my granma is coming down to stay for a week too, this weekend.
today i am seeing B, the psychotherapist, and now that i don't have any immediate plans to act on my thoughts, hopefully i will talk to her about them.
thanks again
