I haven't been doing too good recently. No one really knows. I've shut myself away. Not replying to texts, appearing offline, not posting, not writing in my journal. I'm hiding. I don't want people to know how I am. I let them know I'm alive but that's it.
I've been hearing things again. My head hasn't been good. I haven't been able to hear what they're saying but they're so noisy, all shouting over the top of each other. Sometimes I hear them laughing. But although I can't hear what they're saying, I can tell what they mean. I keep forgetting to take my tablets but I've taken them the last few days. I'm not going to tonight though because I just made a realisation. The reason my brain has been making forget to take them is because people are trying to control me. They want me to be under my control. They don't want me to be me. They want to hurt me. So I can't take them.
I've been really anxious, tense, jumpy and twitchy too. It doesn't make me feel good.
I'm scared of everyone leaving me and being alone. My friend is dead. Two other friends probably will be soon. Another who knows. And another is barely in touch anymore. I'm moving to uni soon so I'll stop seeing my counsellor. One friend left me. Mum and dad have abandoned me before. Everyone goes. Everyone leaves me and I'll be alone. It's why I isolate myself - it hurts less if I makes myself abandoned rather than have people abandon me. No one's there anymore.
I'm scared about uni, about how I'm going to cope. My mental health has gone so far downhill again. I feel mentally ill. I've never really felt that as such before but everything seems to be coming to a head now. I feel low and can't be bothered to do anything. I'm jumpy, twitchy and on edge. My head is bad. My mood swings are unbelievable and I'm having trouble keeping them under control. I'm anxious and paranoid people hate me and are looking at me, laughing and talking about me. I'm struggling to cope at work. I'm struggling not to cut. I've self-harmed properly twice recently (though not cutting - I've been self-harm free since Jan). I feel really impulsive and keep nearly buying tablets from the shops. It's all not good.
I have so many things to do before uni and it's overwhelming me. I don't know how I'm going to cope there. It's going to be the first time in over 4 years that I haven't seen anyone too - be it a counsellor, individual worker or connexions worker. That's a scary thought. I thought I was ready to go it alone. But then this happened and I've gone so far downhill. I'm not sure I can now.
My memory and concentration are appalling. I can barely focus on anything. Even writing this I've paused in the middle of writing a sentence multiple times because I've forgotten what I was going to say. How on earth am I going to cope in lectures or writing assignments or reading books or remembering things like library loans? I haven't been able to read properly in ages. Years in fact. That reminds me - I think my library books are overdue. Forgot I even had them. Haven't read them. I'll most likely get charged.
I just don't know what to do. I let my GP know all this (apart from my decision to stop taking my tablets as I only decided that tonight). There's nothing she can really do to help though. My psychiatrist is useless so it's just as well I rarely see her. My counsellor is away on holiday. I feel like I'm going insane. I don't even know what's wrong. I've only been diagnosed with depression and possible BPD so why on earth do I have all these voices? I can tell they're not real really because no one else hears them but I do so they must be right yeah? Oh I don't know. I'm not making any sense and I've gone on much too much. Sorry.
I think it would be beneficial to take the medication. I don't know you but I assume that it is there to help lessen the voices you are experiencing. Correct me if i'm wrong.
Could you give your tablets to somebody else, responsible, who could give them to you daily and make sure you take them? Really it is for your own benefit, nobody is trying to control you and that's what I have my parents do for me.
You say you nearly purchase tablets from the shops but you haven't so you do have some degree of control over this, and you should feel good that you've been able to resist the urges.
As crappy as it is at times to take ur meds i think it is important you do. it may help with the voices/noises. like others have said, mayb u cood get sum one to help u out with takin them. my mum used to have to doll them out every morn and night and make sure i took them. it was rather annoying but i can see now that it was important. have you checked out the capmus counsellour? maybe he/she can help u get thru the stresses of uni life. i have to write myself lists just to get thru each day. maybe u cood do this to help wth uni stuff. i always carry a note pad and pen or my fone to jot things down. i also fing keepn them next to my bed at nite and being able to write stuff down can help me get to sleep. have u considered changing to a diferent support team, eg dif gp, psych, etc? good luck, thinking of u xo
"Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow No tomorrow And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you" Mad World, Gary Jules
My mum made me take my tablet last night. It was late so I feel sleepy today but she got it and watched me take it to make sure I did. I guess that just proves my point really that they're trying to control me. They want to control me and dumb my brain down to make me stupid because they don't want me to do well at uni. I don't know who they are - just everyone. If I listen to 'them' in my head they'll protect me. I need to make friends with them and do as they say and then it'll all be ok. My mum's going to make me an appointment with my private psych again. I agreed last night but I don't want to go now. He's part of them too. He was the one who gave me the meds in the first place. They don't even stop the 'voices'. They're supposed to but don't anymore which is why I know they're trying to control me now.
The writing a list thing sounds like a good idea. I think I'll definitely try that when I'm at uni and maybe try it before I go to help sort out the things I need to do for it first.
I have to hide away again now. My head is angry with me for talking to my mum last night (I didn't say much just a little bit) and for mentioning something to my friend today. It doesn't want me to write this anyway. I think maybe I should delete this whole thread. It says you'll all hate me and think I'm a bad person (which I am).
No, no one here has said anything wrong at all. It's just now I've said all that you're probably all thinking secretly that I'm a stupid bad person and hate me but you're all too nice people to let me know that.
I don't know why they want me to fail. That's confused me now. I'll have to talk to them and ask them why they're telling me people want me to fail.
Thank you Trace. It's confusing me now because it says the same thing as my beliefs about myself so it's hard to believe that people don't hate me because I hate myself and the voice says the same thing, but it's nice to know you don't hate me. Thank you.
I've read lots of your posts before which is why I know you're honest and say what you feel rather than what people want to hear (which is a good thing even if hard to hear things sometimes) :)
It's difficult to think about if the voices are lying. They don't want me to think about that. They get angry.
I can't think about that sorry. My brain shuts down before I can because they're bad thoughts. The voices aren't bullies, they're here to protect me and stop others from hurting me.
What I wrote just now shocked me. I've never admitted to it before but I guess bullying is abuse. I find it hard to acknowledge that. My sister verbally, emotionally and physically hurt me for years but the last 2 years it's been ok - it's a 'normal' sister-sister relationship now where we have our differences but she doesn't bully me anymore.
Mayb it wood help if u thought about it this way: Wat wood u do/say to a friend if sum1 was emotionally abusing them?
"Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow No tomorrow And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you" Mad World, Gary Jules
I admitted it without realising. It was only after posting it that I realised. I guess that's why it shocked me.
We have talked about what happened a bit but it's difficult because she's very defensive and goes into major moods. Our relationship is better now but it's still difficult between her and our parents (I know things are often difficult between teenagers and their parents but this is different and has been going on for the past 13 years). I have counselling but it's never really occurred to me to talk about it because it's in the past now. My counsellor often mentions that we should try and work out why I hate myself so much but we've never really worked on it because I find it too difficult.
My Mum did the same thing to me. to this day she acts like it never happened! it does help to work through it though, have u tried to?
"Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow No tomorrow And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you" Mad World, Gary Jules
No tomorrow No tomorrow And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you" Mad World, Gary Jules
even if it is "literally" in the past, "emotionally" is it in the past 4 u?
"Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow No tomorrow And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you" Mad World, Gary Jules
My sister is now 16. We had family therapy when I was in hospital but it was never really worked on properly. The conversations were more about how I was screwing up my family by trying to kill myself all the time (I'm a bad person).
By the way I'm not at all thinking secretly that ur a stupid bad person and hating u and i very much doubt any1els would b either!
"Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow No tomorrow And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you" Mad World, Gary Jules
I don't know. I don't want to say anything bad about them because my mind does have a way of twisting things sometimes so maybe I've just remembered it all wrong and it's just the bits where we talked about what I was doing that I remembered. I don't know. I wasn't in a good place at that point. I'm always told that I've remembered things wrong and that I was the one in the wrong so that's probably the case.
I might try and bring it up with my counsellor. I hadn't really thought about it before as I didn't really realise how much it still effects me. She's away at the moment though. I have to stop seeing her soon too :S But I'm too scared to think about that so nevermind.
I'm trying to debate on whether or not I take my tablet. It's time for me to take it. My head has gone a little bit quieter the last 10 minutes or so. I don't want to make it angry and start shouting again if I do take it. I feel like I should listen to it but I'm not sure whether I should do. It's a bit confusing. Maybe I can trick myself into it.
Thanku. By the way how old r u? If ur tablet has been prescribed for u i think u shood take it, hav u tried discussn that its not workin wth ur health team? I used to have screamin matches wth my siblings bout destroyn the fam with my suicide attempts, SI, etc. one sis even said i loved being suicidal, i enjoyed it. things are gettn better tho.
"Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow No tomorrow And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you" Mad World, Gary Jules
I'm moving away to uni. It's scary because I've seen some whether it's a connexions advisor, individual worker, nurse or counsellor for nearly the past 5 years. I know there is support available at uni but it means I have to ask for it (which I'm not so good at). The uni does know about my history though and the mental health advisor has been in touch.
