Triggering (SI/ED) - The Warcraft Vortex

[darkducky]

I'm going to start by asking you, what is the pull with Warcraft? ,virtual reality?

Why is it that its possible to get so sucked into a game that nothing else seems to figure on the radar? Everything else can just 'wait a minute'. each 'minute' turns into a few minutes, even an hour...

I don't ask as a player of such games. As a full time Mum i've never had the time to play. as a realist, I've never had the inclination.

I'm hurt that my hubby is playing more and more. I have confronted him a bout it but he says its all to do with stress levels. We're having house problems, financial problems, health problems and work problems. thing is that because of the time he spends in 'virtual reality' I feel that we're now having relationship problems. We don't need them too!!

I spend a bit of time on Ebay, selling stuff we dont need to buy the things we do need. I went crazy at him when I saw he'd spent around £100 on warcraft donations/payments through paypal. Was I wrong to do that?

Is he upset with me because of that?

The day I saw the payments had gone out of PP I was upset...i ended up slamming a door...he drove off int he car, giving it a dramatic wheel spin on the way out just after he said: "I dont have to put up with this"

He doesnt have to put up with me being upset over something hes done?!!?!? that doesnt even make sense!!!

My friend siad he'd prob realise what he'd done and return with chocolates and flowers. Instead, he returned witht he 2 window blinds he'd gone out to buy and whilst putting them onto the window ledge [from outside, where he couldnt see me working underneath the window] he knocked a tin of paint over me. It hit me, just. the paint hit the floor. "cards and flowers my ar**!" I yelled...(was I wrong to yell over a simple accident?!?!)

Again, he got in the car and drove off.

We spoke about it later on and sort of explained things to each other. I still hurt like hell for a whil afterwards. I can still feel it now! Everytime hes been on Warcraft I jsut get angry inside. I darent ssy anything that will drive him to...well, drive away!

I want to hack myself up - relax and recover. I like to see hwat I feel. this inside pain is frustrating.

I've been nibbling at anything and everything. Diet completely gone.

Its the school holidays and I need his help in the real world.

I've told him a few times but still...back to warcraft.

Incidentally, he used to play warcraft before we even met... He was seeing someone, M... but still mananged to meet someone, A, from warcraft. He fell in love with A because the relationship with M was flagging and had been for some years.

Do I now have to think that he wants to find someone else??!? Is A still on warcraft?

I'm hurt and lonely, tired and confused :(

Thankyou for the opportunity to vent. I know I've not really been a part of the new RYL but in my defence I was a huge fan of the old one!!! :)

*Vix*

[N.Bluth]

I know you've said you've spoken to him a few times, but it might be worth sitting him down and explaining how you feel again. don't even mention warcraft, just say how much you are struggling to cope with everything, that it's getting on top of you and you're feeling really low. Tell him you'd love it if you two could do stuff to relax and combat stress together sometimes. What did you do when you first got together? I understand, when you've got kids it can be almost impossible to go out, but could a relative babysit for you sometime? Or perhaps you could do nice things together at home when the kids are in bed, like having a nice dinner together or even just putting on a DVD and curling up together for a cuddle.
Make the emphasis on wanting to spend time with him instead of wanting him to cut down on the game, I know it sounds a but sly, and like you're holding back what you really want to say to him, but he might respond more positively this way then the other. He's holding on to warcraft as a relic of the life he had before he had so much responsibility (mine does it with football) and you can't take it all away from him or he'll really panic, you can only really persuade him to compromise gently. Don't worry too much about him wanting to meet someone else, he's married to you right? Which means he does love you even if he's being a bit crap at showing it! I don't think you've done anything wrong and I totally agree with you losing your temper sometimes, I just think you should bear in mind that he probably doesn't see the situation as you do, so it might be worth trying to approach it from a different angle. Hope it works out and sorry for the long reply x

[Pictsie]

He probably doesn't realise how much time hes spending online, like you said the I'll do that in a minute can turn into hours, you go on for a quick mail check and get talking to an online friend next thing you know you've been talked into spending 3 hours, but the majority of people in game recognise real life comes before virtual life

I agree with starbright's suggestion of making it spend more time together rather than less online, telling him he can't play will be like telling him he can't go out and see his friends as he'll probably have friends in the game, but they'll understand if he wants to spend more time with you a real person and his real family and has commitments outside the game

Its understandable to get upset, and the reasons you gave all seem valid reasons to me, spending money you probably can't spare, an accident due to his inattention (gamers are supposed to be more aware of their surroundings), its ok to get angry especially if theres no apology.

As a player myself I know it can take over your life but unlike your husband I have nothing else that needs my commitment, if he's playing too much and home life is suffering then as odd as this sounds you need to help him play less so he can help you, keep him busy and make plans with him, another odd sounding suggestion is if you can get a Wii as its aimed at playing together for fun, he'll realise he doesn't need warcraft to destress, it can actually be quite stressfull itself at times, and his online friends don't need him as badly as they make out, but you do need him and you can destress together.

its late, I've wrote lots and I'm not even sure I've said anything useful

Be strong, and I hope things work out.

[1ofmany]

Hey there.

Games are a means of escapism esspecialy in MMORPGs (masive multiplay online role playing games) in which you create a character and help live its life.
The idea that he can be a hero in the game as he doesnt feel like he is doing anything worthwhile in reality is a possiblity.
It is also possible he may be developing an addiction to the game, by using it as a coping mechanisem he could become dependant on it (like other addictions start) and it could stop being a stress reliver and become a must do activity in order to function.

Sorry about that am a Media student with an interest in psychology...hope this helps or at least sheds some light.

[Putain]

Hey. I remember you from ryl v2.

I don't play Warcraft but i play another MMORPG. They suck you in. I could spend all day on it, just watching the seconds tick down until an attack goes in or i can build something else.

Maybe part of the appeal is that he has a degree of control (or success) there, which is lacking from his real life right now. That's certainly true for me. I get a level of esteem from others there too, that i don't get in real life.. in that i'm a leader of a powerful alliance, whereas in real life i'm so useless i can't even hold down an unpaid voluntary job.

It's wrong of him to spend money you can't afford on it though.

[darkducky]

Thankyou for your replies guys. It really helps to get some input on whats going off inside his head.

I feel silly. I feel like I should be making reality so much bettter fo rhim, so he doesnt need to escape into Warcraft. But Im struggling and Iv been depressed for a couple of weeks (you know when you feel better for so long and then down you go again?)

I've talked, yelled, complained, ignored him so that i dont yell, explained and cried through sheer desperation...he said sorry. told me I was right then first chance he gets hes on the bloody game again!

Im stuck int he kitchen half my lie, cooking, cleaning, washing...etc..we have 2 girls 3 and 6 who are on school holidyas and need entertaining. I need him but hes not here...after all the times I've approached it.

the 'lets spend more time together' was a great way to approach him but its jsut not worked. Even though I spoke my heart and told him that I ws scared Id made the wrong choice by marrying him...when i said i would not ut up being 2nd to warcraft...

I've been eyeing up the pot of broken glass that i havnt touched for months. I know that given time alone I would hurt myself. I just dont know whatelse to do to get the anger away. i am so pissed off with him and it hurts so much that hes not part of the family recently. What have I done wrong?

[N.Bluth]

The truth is you've not done anything wrong at all. And it's not your responsibility to make reality better for him. You both have a responsibility to your relationship and to your kids, it's not fair that he's not pulling his weight.

I know this will sound mad because it is the cause of all the disquiet, but how about talking positively about it to re open the lines of communication between you? maybe you could say "How does it work?" or "So what do you have to do then?". Even though I know that will be really difficult it might just get a positive flow of talking going. Alternatively, and I know it's hard, but why don't you have a family day out away from the PC. You could just go to a local park or something? You would all benefit from the time together. Just spend the day being silly, make a picnic and spend the day playing on the swings and being daft. The girls will love it and it will help you both de-stress. Don't mention warcraft all day and when it's time to go home tell him how much fun you had and what a great dad he is. I've always found that if you criticise, men tend to withdraw from you, but if you're positive and let him know how much you love him maybe he'll be more responsive? have you tried asking him how he is? It looks like his playing is a coping mechanism for something? I'm not trying to say you're wrong or anything honey and I can imagine how difficult this is and how hurt you are I'm just trying to give you more options. Please don't harm yourself . i know it must be frustrating, but if you feel it building up please just try to do something to distract and calm you.

At the end of the day if there is no way he will change then maybe you could take a break and go to stay with your parents or a friend for a few days to shake him out of his complacency? I really hope it doesn't come to that, and that you two can find a way around it xx