i do understand very well that im continuing to post on my own "shitty, makenosense" thread.
but im sitting here wondering what else to do.....and for now this is the safest for me.
must we argue EVERY day????
god damnit!!!!
im so so so ****ing sick of this!!!
i dont know wher it went wrong...i dont know when...and i dont know how...
we ****ing love each other.
im a nagging bitch. i guess thats my answer.
constantly dealing with Kaleb.
he seems to become more defiant every day.
its so ****ing stressful.
i am doing the BEST i can. and my best just keeps getting less and less.
i know how to raise a child. i do. thats one thing im good at. i cant believe im actually saying that im good at something. but that is the ONE thing i know how to do.
so why am i finding this so hard???
i guess i was lucky with Keith, blessed even. he was such an easy, laid back child. happy-go-lucky. i rarely had to punish him. and i absolutely hate having to punish Kaleb as much as i do. i wonder is it me??? but then i think it wasnt this way with Keith. it was so much easier. i miss my baby boy so so so bad
i wish so bad that i could find or meet someone in my situation. but i never have. every woman i know that doesnt have their child or children...its because they were taken from her. i havent met anyone who just sent their child away. the pain is different, i think. i cant relate to these women. they cant seem to relate to me. and for this reason....i AM alone. and it hurts so so bad.
and i think....how do i get through this???
and then my mind goes directly to "how is my son getting through this?" and thats where my strength comes from. thats when i stop feeling sorry for myself and grit my teeth and hang on. knowing that my little boy is a fighter and a survivor and is thriving despite all the challenges gives me the bit of strength that i do have left. bless him. he IS my saving grace.
but in the back of my mind is that constant all consuming fear that the day WILL come when Keith resents me. the day he realizes that im raising another child. i will take everything he throws at me. i have no excuses. i will NOT be like my mother. i will NOT play the victim as she does. because my son is the victim here..not me. i will ask forgiveness....but i will NOT expect it as she does. and no matter how he feels about me...i will ALWAYS love him unconditionally. period.
im so very scared right now. just thinking of Keith frightens me. he STILL loves me right now. after 6 years of being apart we still have a bond. and i cant imagine it ever breaking. but then again....i could NEVER had imagined him growing up without me. its all so mind blowing. so unreal. its like ive been in a nightmare for 6 years....and doing everything i can to make it less painful. and then i feel like a selfish bitch because i know my son has nothing to numb himself. he has faced it all with a brave face unlike me.
please god, or whoever is out there, please let my baby love me always.
i love you always, my best boy in the whole wide world.
that was "our" phrase. EVERY night i would tell him that. EVERY night.
*cries*
i love you guys. im sorry.
