I actually came to these realisation whilst replying to another post. I have spent 3 years since 2005 in hospital. Now i really regret all the things i gave up and missed whilst i was inpatient. One of them being my own 21st party!
Does anyone else have these feelings? I still want to die and feel suicidal, but just regret all the time i have wasted in an institution.
I tried everything in there, Meds, no meds, therapy, ECT and it didnt help much. yes i am still alive but what did it actually do for me? I still feel the same as i did when i was admitted the first time. So all it has really accomplished is to prolong the agony.
Sorry for the ramble. Does anyone understand this or am i just crazy?
I understand :)
I spent my birthday in hospital, missed so much school that I ended up dropping out and blah blah blah
I do hope you begin to feel better though.
Yeh i understand.
Ive missed my final two years at school, which i cant get back.
I also spent christmas
and my 16th birthday in hospital.
but i guess it kind of reminds me to stay well so i can have future experiences to make up for it.
*huggles*
xxx
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
I had Christmas and New Year in a psych ward. If I hadn't lied to the doctors, I would still be in a secure unit during a-level results day. I also missed a UK schools cross-country race; I was in the London team.
I'm sorry that you had to go through that and I hope that you can find the answer soon.
Being in hospital makes you miss out on LIFE in general, but it does help in the end. Do you get leave? What is your ward like?
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
I was in hospital for 4 months, so not that long compared to some
but I did miss my A-level end of year exams (I was sectioned and couldn't even get leave to do my exams), so I'm totally gutted watching people recieve there results on the news, I have to wait till January to resit my end of year exams, gutted!
I've missed soso much college that I don't know how I'm going to cope when I return in September, especially since the anti-pychotic I'm on has turned my brain to mush....sorry I'm rambling now
but I guess I was pretty severely ill when I was in hospital so I suppose I needed to be there at the time I couldn't exactly go to college while I was in the middle of a pretty severe pychotic episode, blah, still a real shame that I've missed out on so much college
"In the driest whitest stretch of pains infinate desert, I lost my sanity, and found this rose"
I agree with tibette, I enjoy the safety of hospital.
But then again, I haven't really missed any important event in my life due hospitalization. But I can understand how you probably would.
I love the saftey of hospital too, I can always sleep much better in there.
But does anyone else feel like it is kinda an addiction?
Like when things get so tough and you on the verge of suicide and it is so much more easier to go inpatient then to stay out and try and cope with your feelings?
I guess what i am trying to say is do you think hosp helped or worsened your own coping mechanisms?
Yeah i missed alot by being inpatient but it still doenst stop me having thoughts of wanting to be admitted again. SO in a way it becomes an addiction? WOuld just really like to make it more than a couple of months in between visits!
You're not crazy at all, I know where you're coming from :)
I realllly miss my old hospital, I would do anything to be able to go back there.
The old hospital I was at, I felt like it was a bit of a security blanket, If my feelings got too hard for me to deal with I could just pop back there
for a few days/weeks/months, sort myself out and come out when I could deal with my feelings a bit better. I knew it would always be there if I needed it, and that made me feel a lot safer.
I think also 'cause it was a really nice hospital (The Priory) and I had good relationships with the staff there already, I was less hesitant to go in after the first time.
I miss having that option so much, now I'll get stuck on an adult ward in the grottiest hospital ever, I'm trying so hard to keep myself out of there even though I know in some ways I am probably worse now than before I was admitted to hospital last time, and it would be a lot easier to just go inpatient and sort myself out.
I think one thing it's changed for me is I used to be like "oh I'm suicidal, nothing is going to help me" but now I'm more like "oh I'm suicidal, hospital could help me." and I don't know if that's a good thing or not.
Oh, and the availability of meds is definitley a biggie for me, when I'm in hosp I know there are drugs there to calm me down, drugs there to help me sleep etc etc, that makes me feel a lot safer in myself, like I know if I take a couple of lorazepam I won't do anything silly and can just sleep off any mood I'm in. At home I don't have that option, I just have to deal with it. And well, I'm bad at dealing with it!
I spent a year and a half in hospital. I missed two christmasses, two new year's and one birthday.
I've been in an adult acute ward more times than I can count, an adolescent unit, an assessment unit, a specialist self harm unit and a secure unit when I was sectioned.
The first few admissions to hospital I liked because I felt safe and the wards were quiet. Then the admissions started to get worse because the other patients I was with were seriously ill and I felt unsafe because of them. The secure unit was the worst of the worst. The alarms would go off numerous times a day, I've witnessed so much disturbing stuff like people trying to kill themselves. I was nearly attacked by another patient.
I've missed my A levels, I had to drop out of college. I became dependant on diazepam for a while. Acute hospitals don't really do anything, they give you drugs and let you sleep until you're feeling safer.
Staying out of hospital is always perferable. Hospital should really be the last option.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I felt the same, it did offer safety and security but i have seen some disturbing things.
Other patients are very scary and i will never forget some of the stuff i have seen while inpatient. The alarms really bothered me and i hated seeing other patients being restrained.
I was punched in the face by a patient who thouht i had murdered her husband. Had boiling water thrown at me, and yeah i have seen a couple people attempt suicide, one was even succesful and now i blame myself.
I also found that hospital in the end brought out the worst in me, when i was in a mixed state i would become verbally abusive and even hit another patient. I am so ashamed of myself now, but usually when outpatient if i feel like this i do some exerisise or something and hospital took this away.
Towards the end of my most recent hospital stay, I could definately see how being in there had changed me (for the worst I guess). I was angry at people who had self harmed because it meant the alarms would go and the nurses would be involved in lots of paperwork, I'd be angry at anyone who caused the alarms to go off and get restrained. I was impatient, frustrated at how my independence had been taken away. I was told when I could sleep, when I had to get up, when to eat, when to have a cigarette, when I could watch TV. I even had to ask to use the toilet or have a new toilet roll.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I am glad i am not the only one that happened too. I always felt bad about how i acted but then i couldnt stop myself. It made me really angry, just little things that wouldnt normally bother me. sorry if you dont mind me asking what were you in for control freak?
I hated having my independence taken away and constant room searches and 15min checks, I also hated it when i was allowed to go on leave and if i was late back they would take that privalage away for a few days. I have problems sleeping and i hated how you had to stay in your room after 10.30. At least at home when i cant sleep, i can watch tv, or surf the net etc.
I never had to ask to use the toilet though, but being on checks meant i never got a decent uninterrupted shower. I also really disliked having to be watched while i shaved my legs. did they do this in the hosp you were at?
DO you think being inpatient has trumatised you in anyway? Just wondering if its just me.
I wouldn't go back to hospital - my own experiences were traumatic, especially in the secure ward. I was restrained and forcibly injected countless of times. I was also on 1-to-1 observation which meant no privacy.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
God, 1:1 obs, I HATED those. Gahh! Total invasion of privacy, especially when you're on the loo or having a bath.
I was in a secure unit for my borderline personality disorder and self harm. The borderline PD made me impulsive and I was nearly psychotic by the time I was sectioned, attempting overdoses too and getting reality confused with old memories. Gah, I never want to get that ill again.
I don't know if it traumatised me or not. But I know I'm ****ing glad I got out after six months, or it WOULD have sent me truly crazy. There were patients that had been in there for eight ****ing years.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Aye, I also feel hospital traumatised me, and made me a lot worse. Or who I became whilst there was a lot worse. Now with the home treatment team and such I've managed to stay out for about 7 months now. I don't really want to talk about my experiences (seeing people try to kill themselves being a few of them also) but...
One of my problems is that I can't let go. I have intrusive memories of it all the time, I think up letters in my head or even write them down to the wards I was in, I can't let go. I'm working on this with my therapist at the moment and I really hope I will be able to move on properly. But it sucks. I wish I'd never gone into hospital in teh first place, being put on a section on my 17th birthday (it was only 72hours but still) and all that stuff makes you sit and wonder what happened to the 'best' years of your life.
I find it hard to let go too. I find myself replaying the events surrounding my section 136 over and over again in my head. I also have memories of what the nurses did with those blasted needles.
But tbh I did get better because I went to hospital and during my last admission, if I hadn't been sectioned, I might have permanently damaged myself or get myself killed.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
Yeah i replay events such as being restrained over and over in my head too, i dont think they could be classified as flashbacks though although that has been mentioned.
Hopsital did save my life.. but it didnt really help basically just took away my human rights until i was no longer a danger to myself and anyone else.
I am finding it very hard to let go.... the longest i have managed to stay out for is 10 weeks... not good. i have been out now for six weeks and i never want to go back there.
I got treated really badly by one of the staff and made a formal complaint to the medical council and i felt that some of the staff resented and held this against me.
One even said that since i made the complaint, i was obviously unhappy with the service provided so why did i bother to come back? As if i had a choice.
What do you guys mean when you say secure unit? all of our units are kept locked...Do you mean ICU?
Its good to know that the mental health system is so bad in other countries i thought it was just here.
