I was seeing a bloke for a while. Things got pretty serious between us pretty fast. We talked about kids and stuff. I thought I had a long term future with him. He told me he was in love with me and I was in love with him.
He went away to go visit some friends. I had insecurities about this due to the closeness of one friendship in particular & the fact that ever since I was raped consantly for four years, I find it hard to believe that I'm good enough for anyone.
We broke up shortly after he came back.
A few days ago, I find out he cheated on me [as in ****ed her] with this friend when he was away. This friend of his was also a friend of mine. Someone I was stupid enough to care about & stuff.
I'm so completely humiliated. I was told I was neurotic and jealous by both him and this "friend" for being worried about something happening. I felt bad for months, and was made to feel bad by both of them, for even doubting that he'd stay faithful to me.
Since we broke up I've remained really good friends with my ex. We still see (saw?) each other on a regular basis, and looked after each other.
I don't know what to do.
Losing my ex would be like losing a part of me. He is (was?) someone that I care about immensely, in a non-romantic way. He's like family to me. He makes me feel safe when I'm having nightmares/flashbacks and nobody can ever hurt me when he cuddles me.
But thinking about the fact he slept with this girl, who was supposedly a friend of mine, makes me feel sick. & the fact that he's lied to me about it ever since really ****ing hurts.
As for her, well, friends don't do that to each other. & I have no problem cutting her out of my life completely.
Is this my fault? Am I so dirty that I deserve this to happen to me? What should I do about my ex? Staying friends/in contact/seeing him is going to hurt, but losing him may hurt more.
Every time I shut my eyes I see them laughing at me. I'm completely humiliated. I trust people too easilly and it only ****s me over in the long term. I feel ashamed, although I know it's them who should be.
One of my 'friends' and my at-the-time boyf cheated on me a good few years ago, and its horrible because its not just one betrayall, it's two, and raises insecurities about everyone.
I think if you want to stay in contact with your ex, then you and he need to talk about this and you need to find out why he lied and also get a genuine apology from him if you can. If he is decent, then when you explain how bad you feel, then that's what he should do. If you don't want him in your life anymore, then that's ok too. Only you can decide what feels best for you.
I don't think you trusted them too easily, I think they are two people who abused your trust. That is NOT your fault. You didn't invite it, you didn't let it happen, it wasn't because you are dirty, or anything else. This was THEIR responsibility. Am I to blame for my boyf cheating on me with a 'friend'?
It sucks that this happened, however, better now, than once you had a commitment to each other but that in the form of marriage or kids or whatever. You now know that your gut instinct was right, and you can be proud of yourself for knowing something wasn't right and not letting him walk all over you.
It's a hard place to be Chels. Not everyone will abuse your trust, and those that do don't deserve to have it anyway. Yes, it hurts, so much, but it will ease.
He has already apologised so many times, and it's been sincere. He was crying when he told me and every other word was "I'm so sorry" or "I don't want to hurt you".
That's good, because that shows he knows it was his responsibility and his fault.
It also sounds like he knows what he has lost, which shows how much he thought of you (shame he was stupid with what he did though) and how important you are to him.
Being cheated on is a very confusing place because it raises lots of doubts and will continue to do so, probably, but hopefully with time they will ease when you come to move forward from the pain and confusion.
If you suggest it, would he look at his actions, why he did what he did? He doesn't have to explain it to you, but he will gain insight into himself.
You deserve better than this. Just because you were raped does not mean that you don't deserve a faithful partner. It makes it more important to be with someone you trust.
Be good to you!
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
i wish i had something to offer chels. i know the simple *snuggles* dont really help you. i can share with you that my own sister betrayed me years ago by being with a bf i had at the time. i do know its painful but you seem so close to this boy and thats how it was with me.....he became Keith's father ..soooo....id say follow your heart but im a hopeless romantic. you might also want to throw some logic in there also.
love you.
xxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
You did nothing to make him betray you in that way so if anyone is not good enough it is him for you. He is the one that should feel completely humiliated and yes, you do deserve someone who isn't going to do this to you but...
As you are obviously still close in a platonic way then it is possible work through this if you feel that is the right thing to do. Not long ago I was a bystander when an affair in a 20odd year marriage came out. It may have taken 4 years to resolve but those in question got there in the end.
Chels, i know we talked a little about this earlier in chat, but yeah PM whenever you want. You are my friend and i am sorry i havent kept in contact with you so well in the past few months.
Betrayal is a terrible thing and I understand how it eats away inside. The feeling that you are in some way are responsible even though at the same time looking at things objectively you know that you are not.
You really had no control over what happened and even though you are hurting now I promise that it will get better. You just need to hang in there.
Nice things written here would really help right now.
I WON'T let this bring me down.
& I've decided I'm going to try and salvage what I can of my friendship with my ex. Because I know he cares about me and I know he couldn't be more sorry that he's hurt me.
Last edited by typsee : 15-08-2008 at 01:09 AM.
Reason: edited
I've decided I'm going to try and salvage what I can of my friendship with my ex. Because I know he cares about me and I know he couldn't be more sorry that he's hurt me.
I know it's your choice etc.. but they are both as much to blame. It was a horrible thing for both of them to do to you and if you can try and forgive the boy, you could try and forgive the girl? Unless the girl has done other things/not apologised/showed any remorse or anything.
Xox
Last edited by typsee : 15-08-2008 at 01:11 AM.
Reason: edited your quote of an edited post
With demons dancing off mirror images reflecting all that you wanted.
So far from perfect, onward we will strive.
Take it for what it's worth, this truth that you've realized.
You're not who you thought you were, it's time to see the other side of what you have become.
I don't know about the girl. It's easier to be angry at her. Otherwise I just start hating myself. I need a chance to talk to her & stuff, but she has work when I'm at home & she's at home when I'm at work.
..soooo....id say follow your heart but im a hopeless romantic. you might also want to throw some logic in there also.
