I've been to see my psychiatrist today after requesting to see her for the first time in about 6 months. My mum came in with me, and I got too scared to talk. My concentration was a bit off (it hasn't been right for a few weeks now) and I wasn't following a lot of what was said. I got upset when I was following and my psychiatrist said that she wouldn't change my medication so close to college. I was upset because I've been asking for a medication change for ages now, and she put my Risperidone up to 2.5mg a day from 2mg, and I'll take the extra 0.5mg in the morning and the 2mg a bit earlier in the evening than I usually do.
I didn't get to say what was on my mind, and there was a few things I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her that I tasted the [chemical] that I wanted to kill myself with (she doesn't even know I've been feeling really suicidal) and that I keep making plans to kill myself which keep falling through. I didn't end up saying that if things dont change I might end up coming out of my house in a body bag. I wanted also to tell her I want to take up smoking again, just to have something else to rely on rather than my suicidal and self harming thoughts. She did enquire about my sleeping, which I told her wasn't very good, but nothing is being done about that either (unless I'm taking the Risperidone earlier to help me get more sleepy before i get to bed? Maybe).
Is it worth telling her this stuff? Is it important?
Yeah, hun, i'm kinda the same. I never get to say what's on my mind. I dunno, there never seems to be the right moment. But I think it's definetely worth telling her. That stuff is really important. Was it 'cause your mum was there that you didn't want to say anything?
But if i still believe you love me, maybe i'll survive.
So i tell myself you're coming home, like you've done a million times.
I think hun, that it is very important to tell your pych these things
The more honest you are with your doc the better able she will be to help you, do you know why you didn't tell her these things that are bothering you?
I know from experience that its best to be completely honest with people so they can help you better
xxxxxxxxx
"In the driest whitest stretch of pains infinate desert, I lost my sanity, and found this rose"
I didn't want my mum to hear what I did with the [chemical] or that I've been feeling more suicidal than I let on. Some things I just cant tell my mum because she gets upset and I really hate seeing my mum upset. And I'm scared that my psychiatrist will tell my mum what I did. I might write a letter, one that actually gets to her this time because last time I told my mum about the letter I wrote and she told me to wait until after september to send it. I know you dont know me or my psychiatrist either, but what in general would a psychiatrist do if I told them all this? I'm scared :(
It depends, on your age I think. But mostly it's totally confidential. When I told mine about my more serious OD's, they didn't tell my mum, but they wanted to. They convinced me to tell her, but they wouldn't do anything without your consent 'cause it's meant to be totally confidential. I don't know what else they'd do. Probably just try to help you as much as possible.
But if i still believe you love me, maybe i'll survive.
So i tell myself you're coming home, like you've done a million times.
Umm. Hello. It’s April Woods. I wanted to write to you to tell you the things I didn’t get to tell you today (Wednesday) because I was too scared to talk.
About a week ago I was feeling really suicidal, enough to go and taste a certain household chemical to make sure I could swallow it so if or when I feel even worse than I did then I could drink a lot of it. I didn’t actually swallow it and I washed my mouth out straight away so I’m not counting it as self harm. Please don’t tell my mum that I did that though. I keep making plans to kill myself but I keep being too scared to actually do them. I make a date and place and a method and everything, I know that if I feel any worse than I do now, I’ll end up coming out of my house in a body bag. I don’t want that, because it’ll hurt my family. When I’m in these low times, I feel like I don’t want to get better and it can be hard to get rid of these feelings. The low times last for sometimes a couple of hours each time and its sometimes can happen two or three times a day. I don’t know what you can do to help me, I just want anything to help me right now.
Sorry about the font, I've just copied and pasted this out of word and its gone all funny
i just wanted to say well done what you have written so far is so very well written, brave and expressful!i really hope you can send it to her.im sure that she would really appreciate it and be able to help you more.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
I just wanted to say that I've written out the letter and I'm going to give it to my psychologist tomorrow to give to my psychiatrist. I'm worried that something will be said tomorrow to my parents because half an hour after my psychologist appointment we've got family therapy. But I'm dealing with it.
I didn't give the letter, but I told my psychologist basically everything that was in the letter. Nothing really much happened, and she didn't tell my parents what I did, as she said it was "something and nothing". She asked (and my psychiatrist asked) if I wanted to slow the work down that I'm doing with my support worker, and I said I dont know, so I'm going to think about it. I'm meeting a girl (youth worker type called Hannah) who is going to be with me in college tonight (she and her manager are coming to my house) and I've been asked to go to a Multi Media Bus thingy by the youth worker (Ali) who is supposed to be working with me in college too. My psychologist said that she had been expecting the summer holidays to be hard for me, because they always have been, especially since everything is changing for me and I find change quite hard. They know I'm going through a hard time, and they are trying to help me get through it.
Anyways I'm feeling a little bit better now, I don't know how long for but I'm hoping it lasts.
I'm struggling for words to describe what happened, so bear with me.
I was there and I didn't exactly forget to give the letter, but she noticed I wasn't looking okay and she asked me what was wrong when my mum left and the words just came out of my mouth, and I was basically telling her what was in the letter without actually giving her the letter and without letting her know there was a letter, if you know what I mean. Once I'd told her I felt like I didn't need to give the letter because I'd already told her what was in the letter. Okay I'm going round in circles. But then at the end we started talking about Harry Potter and that cheered me up a lot before we went into family therapy. :)
Okay, sorry to bring my thread up again, but I just wanted to say that I've met Hannah and she's really nice, and that I've started sketching again to take my mind off things and its really helping. I'm currently waiting to go to Tesco so I can pick up printer ink to print out more stuff for me to sketch! :)
I'm glad Hannah is really nice, that's great! & that you've started sketching & are off to buy some stuff from Tesco's.
You're a very determined girly :P And that's a very good thing!!
xxx
