Triggering (SI/Substance abuse) - Cocaine...trying not to relapse *triggering for substance and SI abuse and weight obsession*

darkmystikrose · 11-08-2008, 06:38 PM

I was a coke addict for 3.5 years. I had to leave the state with a friend in order to stop. Its been almost 2 years since I stopped using and it has been a hard two years. I was cutting at the same time, trying to deal with an abusive home life a horrible past and a lot of self hatred about my weight, I was 180 pounds at 5‘4. When I left the state in order to stop using I was 92 pounds.
After I stopped I turned to eating, and am still trying to stop cutting. I am heavy now 240 pounds, and life is still really hard and I feel fat and disgusting, I am always tired. I am finding myself closer and closer to going back. It was my distraction, it was my escape, it was my key to loosing weight and now I feel lost without it, the urges to use are getting stronger and stronger. I had my phone in hand and my ex-dealers number almost dialed... I don’t know what I am looking for...someone who’s been through it? Someone who cares? I don’t know....just writing it down helps i guess....I just feel so......... lost......

blondiebear · 12-08-2008, 01:59 AM

In the 13 years I've been sober, I've gained 100 pounds. I'd still rather that it be that way. Chocolate ice cream could never do the damage and take me the places that alcohol did.

Have you considered going to Narcotics Anonymous? They might be able to help you.

darkmystikrose · 12-08-2008, 03:23 PM

yeah, I went through it with my dad right after I got back to FL after I left. My dad was just getting out of jail for drugs. It helped then....I tried to go again, and its just hearing the same thing over and over....it annoyed me. I just have so many other issues ontop of the drugs that I dont know....it didnt seem to fit me. Thank you for the suggestion though, I appreciate it. As for the weight....I am trying to loose it the "healthy way" hopefully i can do it... :)

Yellow · 17-08-2008, 12:30 PM

i can entirely relate to what youve said.
i used coke for a year and lost 50 pounds.
it is so highly addictive.
i too left town to get away from all my dealers and people i used with.
ive been clean for a year and a half.
and ive gained 40 pounds.
that is the BIGGEST trigger for me is that i know i could drop the weight quickly if i started again.
but i was soooooo caught up in it....i was going to die.
keep fighting the urges. im still fighting them.
but i do understand.
thinking of you.
loves.
xxxxx