i feel like im losing all forms of normality as each day drags on by! i know im okay! i tihnk im okay! actaully i know im not okay! anything but! i've been lying alot about how i feel but i cant f**king tell anyone! i've been feeling so crap it got to the point i decided to go back to telling the world everytihng was okay! i even started saying i hadnt been thinking suicide! which was a massive massive lie and i felt like a completely horrible monster for even saying it but i cant tell a soul i still want to die desperatly because they will all be so fed up with it by now
this is sooo ongoing and i cant seem to stop it, i just thought i'd tell them all that i'm over the suicide stage and suddenly things were so mcuh easier but i feel like suck a bitch and such a mean peson for lying but everyone treats me better when im not suicidal
i know im horrible and i should lie but i cant help it, i justwant things to be easy again
i cant help that i want to die, its just how i feel continually and its not going away! i just want to die and be gone and make the world better for everyone else! i dont want to hurt anyone but i cant seem to burn all my bridges, its not working, my friends are being to stubborn and its making it so hard cause as much as im wanting to die, i cant hurt them and the longer they hold on to me the harder its getting to take on these feelings
but they dont know that and i cant tell them really!
its got me wanting to completely enilate myself to shreds but i've promised to try and stay safe but i dont know that i can and that i wont to.....i can feel alive all the time im bleeding and i want to bleed and bleed and bleed and be drained off blood and life and then i could feel a whole lot better
nothing i do is distracing and nothing i do seems to help me and im heading on for another attempt..i can fel its coming...i even wrote my second suicide note and i'm not letting it go this time!
i cant be bothered to continue with living but it feels like im being clamped down to the earth a little more everyday and i just want to break the chains and go forever into sweet releif and sweet freedom
all the time im here im just planing my going and destroying myself and hurting everyone else around me
let me give up, let me fall from the cliff and fade to the shadows
i dont know how i ended up here but im seemily stuck with a passion to die but everyday spent living adds another string in this already complex web of my life
*sorry pointless*
