Please help me. I know I haven't been around for a long time. I stopped cutting a year ago but now I'm so scared and I need your help.
My boyfriend, I've mentioned him before, the violence and the possible rape incident. Now he is so intimidating and I hurt so bad inside because I love love love him, I feel sick, it's so wrong but I want him always, I can't let him go. He says he should leave for my good and so he can give up on life, stop trying, let it take him over.
Two days ago I had the worst night of my life. I worked over 10 hours and he came to pick me up, like always. He was drunk. He was acting weird. I knew it right away, the stink was on him. We drove to Asda to get some shopping but never got out of the car. I started to cry because he was acting so weird and I was afraid - I had no idea what would come next. He took off his shirt so I could wipe my eyes. He said he wanted to buy more beer and I said "Oh yeah, more beer" He drove out of there at a crazy speed, punched me in the side of the head. He said I had to get out of "his" car. I refused. He pulled up some side street, got out.
I followed him, it was pouring with rain. He was screaming at me, threw his phone into the road, wouldn't let me hold him or calm him down. He spat in my face and called me a sanctomonious bitch. He kept pushing me away, so hard, and it hurt. Eventually, after emptying his bladder right there by the side of the road, shirtless and soaked, he drove off, saying "you've got money".
I started to walk home, crying loudly, wandering like a confused little victim. He came back for me, opened the door "Get in!" I did. I know, I don't know what I was thinking. He was sympathetic for a few moments but my despair, my inability to stop crying, set him off again. He pulled down some other side street. Snatched my purse off me and started throwing things out. I wrestled it back, snarling "That's mine." I ran and locked myself in the car.
He came to my door, knocking, taunting, so cruel, so insane. I sat there looking at my phone, willing myself to press 999. I didn't. I opened the door. He slapped me. Little stinging, mocking slaps. He grabbed my hair, trying to pull me from the car. I resisted as hard as I could. By this point he had already threatened to kill me several times. He unscrewed the locking mechanism on my door and pressed it into my forehead, laughing. I kept our eyes locked the whole time, I was looking for my man, looking for the person I love. He wasn't in there. He tore his shirt. "Do you want to die?" He asked. He said he was going to strangle me with it. I think even he knew how extreme that was because he didn't do it. The police passed us about 5 times. They did nothing. He found this hilarious. We sat in the car and he screamed and cried and laughed. I was silent.
Soon he calmed and I told him I would never leave him. I said I didn't want him to die. I asked him to stay with me. Yeah, that stuff about "asking for it" - I really did. We drove back to my house and sat in the car. I broke down in tears and he tried to comfort me. After a while we decided to return to Asda to get some sandwiches. For which I would naturally pay. He wanted me to buy weed and I stupidly said yes. I just wanted my love back. Luckily the guy didn't turn up.
We returned to my flat. He's staying with me cos he has no money. He thought I was acting weird and said we may as well go right to bed. We did. I wanted to fix things, I wanted the pain to stop, for him to kiss it all better. He wanted sleep. He slapped me full in the face, pushed me out of bed and got up. He kept hitting me and head butted me, knocking me to the floor. Then he kicked me. And locked himself in my bathroom.
And you know what I did then? I went and tried to talk him round. He remained silent for over an hour while I stood outside the door, talking, singing, crying. Eventually he opened the door "What?!" We went to bed.
And the next day at work I felt like I was dying. I had to go to the loo several times to cry. I ached all over. He was so sorry, like he always is. And he picked me up from work like always. And we went to bed and it was beautiful.
What's wrong with me??????????????
Last edited by TouchVanDerBoom : 15-09-2008 at 06:56 PM.
Save yourself. Get him out of your life.
Harsh, yeah. Best you be safe.
Hugs
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Oh God girl, get out. This is only going to get worse and worse and one day he probably WILL kill you.
There is nothing wrong with you, you just want a lovely man to pop out and hold you and tell you that everything is going to be ok, but that is NOT going to happen. He is going to keep doing this to you until you are too afraid to move (if you aren't already).
Get your locks changed. Bar his number from your phone. Tell ALL of your friends and family so you will get a reminder any time you are tempted to take him back. Inform work so that you can get your shifts changed or can get some colleague to take you home.
It won't be easy. He will harass you, he will try to charm you and intimidate you and guilt you into taking him back but you CAN get out of this situation. Maybe get somebody to stay with you or camp out at a friend's house for a bit.
Best of luck.
XX
YES! oyu gotta get out. not going to change. you gotta get urself out and safe.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Please get out of there hun. My sister was pushed out of a moving car by her husband a few weeks ago and was badly hurt. There had been incidents before resulting in the police being called. It's always going to end up escalating especially if he drinks. I don't understand you as such as to how you can still love him but you're aren't alone as I know my sister still loves her husband despite what he has done and it took alot of courage to talk to the police and press charges. I wouldn't want you to be in that position. Please think of how you deserve much better than this. There are women's refuges/shelters and helplines to call that will help you get away and get your life back on track re practical/emotional things etc.
Take care
*hugs tight to keep you safe*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
*snuggles you so tight*
i agree with all!!!
please get out hunni!!!
i know from experience it will only get worse.
how can you be happy like this?
i think if youre honest with yourself, you'll see that really ARE NOT happy.
and i believe that you love him. god knows...i totally understand that. but you love him for the GOOD parts.
but ask yourself...."has the bad overtaken the good?"
from what youve written...i think it has.
i love you....i hope you know this.
and ive missed the hell outta you!!!!
im sorry youve had to come back on these terms.
pm me if you like please!!!!
love you to pieces.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
You say that you love him but ask yourself this…if you stay with him how many years will you still love him for? No matter what he says it will not stop and it will almost certainly get worse. Will your love not turn to hate in the end?
The longer your relationship lasts the more complicated and difficult getting out will become. No matter how hard it seems you need to make this his last change and get out now.
Echoing what others have said. Run, run fast and don't look back. I'm not sure how restraining orders work in England but please call or goto the local police station and see about them helping protect you since he has a history of violent behavior towards you.
agrees with all of the above - you haven't done anything wrong, he has
if you need to speak to someone or get practical advice can I suggest Women's Aid? You should be able to locate one near you through their website and they have a helpline too http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
Thanks so much for replying everyone. I know I haven't been around for a while.
I'm at the internet cafe again. I have 23 minutes left. It's so loud here and I can't do the work I was meant to be doing cos my library catalogue access is suspended due to overdue fines. I'm listening to music to try drown out the kids and my own self-doubt.
He's on more depression meds and has been much better. I will be stupid this one last time.
*tight squishes*
hunni...how many "one more tries* have you given???
im worried for your safety damnit.
miss you and love you.
i hope you got my pm before your 23 minutes ran out.
sorry it took me a bit to reply.
love you.
xxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
it will be hard. but staying with him will only get you hurt or maybe worse. i cant even say the word. thats how much i care about you.
please help yourself?
i love you.
xxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
I know they all say "but you don't know him..." - but you don't. He's not a sociopath he just has a problem with drink and drugs and is seriously depressed and angry. What he did to me was the worst thing anyone has ever done to me. I keep having flashbacks, which is awkward when we're together.
It means so much to me that you guys care like you do. Truly.
Can you become pregnant instantly or does it always take a few days? I didn't think it did but I feel sick and there was a tiny bit of blood. Could be my period though, they're all ****ed up.
So I went for the morning after pill and while there they told me I had extremely high blood pressure. A few weeks later I returned for a follow up appointment and it had gone up again. Four days later Matthew left me. I thought my life was over. I cried all day for 3 days, despite going to work and everything. I was crying on the bus and in the supermarket. I had chest pains. But I survived. He said don't contact him for a week and apart from a couple of emails, which he replied to, I didn't. We arranged to meet on Friday and the struggle had paid off. He looked at me like I was a different woman and told me he loves me. We kissed and are now officially back together but will be living apart. We are now seeing each other once or twice a week and emailing a little bit. I feel free and happy and independent. And safe. I have my own flat, my own money and a job.
Thank you all for your advice and friendship through this difficult time. :)
I think it is probably a really good thing that you guys aren't living together anymore. I'm glad you are feeling better, and I hope that things keep going up for you.
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way,
The beauty in life, where's it gone?
And somebody told me you were doing okay,
Somehow I guess they were wrong.
i love you girl.
so glad to know youre safe.
and good for you for being so independent!!!
i still listen to your songs hunni.
youre so talented.
i love you again.
*squishes tight*
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
Oh God girl, get out. This is only going to get worse and worse and one day he probably WILL kill you.
There is nothing wrong with you, you just want a lovely man to pop out and hold you and tell you that everything is going to be ok, but that is NOT going to happen. He is going to keep doing this to you until you are too afraid to move (if you aren't already).
Get your locks changed. Bar his number from your phone. Tell ALL of your friends and family so you will get a reminder any time you are tempted to take him back. Inform work so that you can get your shifts changed or can get some colleague to take you home.
It won't be easy. He will harass you, he will try to charm you and intimidate you and guilt you into taking him back but you CAN get out of this situation. Maybe get somebody to stay with you or camp out at a friend's house for a bit.
Best of luck.
XX
*ECHOES STRONGLY*!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hunni, get the hl out now...befiore the police takeu out in a body bag. Harsh? Yes! True? YES!!!!
