Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - NEED to cut

[susieq]

Hi guys

A couple of weeks ago I posted on here - I felt suicidal. Thanks to all of you who gave me the strength to keep going.

Today I am struggling not to cut again.

I have finished a letter addressed to my mum (she died 13 years ago) expressing my anger and hatred towards her. Because she ignored what was happening under her nose, I was sexually abused throughout my childhood, by my brother. My therapist suggested that I needed to write this letter, as I have immense trouble expressing my anger. I am seeing my counsellor tonight and I am going to read the letter out loud - as if I were saying it all to mum. I am scared how this is going to leave me feeling - it hurt so much when I was writing it!

Now the letter's finished I feel guilty and ashamed - I want to cut my arm deeply - I want to feel the pain - I deserve to hurt. I hate feeling like this. I am hoping that waffling on a bit on here will sidetrack me and distract from cutting myself again!!!

Sorry to ramble on. Sorry to dump this on you all. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Susie xx

[Casper_Fading]

Just a littl ebit of a suggestion. After you've read the letter to your therapist, burn it. It's a really good sumbol to say goodbye to your hate. *hugs* well done for writing it!

will cutting really make you feel better? or just make you feel even worse in the long run. don't let your mum or your broter win. get through this! you CAN! *hugs*

[one_step_closer]

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so bad, you do not deserve to hurt. Aren't you hurting enough already? Please remember that self harming will only make things worse in the long run. Of course there will have been a lot of emotions stirred up because of writing the letter, try to acknowledge that that is the reason for your negative emotions, accept it, and try to cope with your feelings safely. I hope that it helps for you to read the letter to your counsellor. Make sure that you are honest about your feelings afterwards so that they can help you to leave the session safely. I'm thinking about you. Get in touch any time. Take care.

[blondiebear]

You don't deserve to hurt. No one does.

It is okay if you are angry with your mother for letting you be hurt in such a way.

This is something that I have found helps. One of my friends heard it at a religeous service and passed it on to me. There is a difference between forgiveness and exoneration. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, of the way things should have been.

Hugs

[Pomegranate]

Well done on finding the courage to write that letter. How did it go with your therapist?

Please try not to self harm. This letter is a way of trying to deal with and let go of the past. It won't be easy because of what you are dealing with but if you S.I you will only be putting off dealing with it. You can get through these feelings. Keep fighting x

[susieq]

Hi guys

Thanks for your replies. I dont know what i expect to achieve by cutting - it just sort of makes me feel alive, at a time when i feel like i'm dying inside.

What you have all said makes sense. I shouldn't feel the need to punish myself - but i do! I feel like ive betrayed my mum and i feel like she will get her own back some day. I know that none of this makes sense.

I did cut on Saturday evening - i allowed myself just one cut. I know that is still one cut too many, but it could've been worse.

I'll get there one day - just dont think it will be any day soon!

Thanks.

Susie xx