its been here ages the thoughts I can see myself, and its scaring me cos its pushing me further to do it. I hardly got any mates and now I dont want those that i do have see me, I dont want to leave the house, I got scared to even go downstairs earlier in case my parents came home cos i dont want to face people. They all want me dead I know they do they just wont admit it.
I have to wait til half five before my mate can come around to mine shes at work.
well more my dad he hasnt spoken to me properly in over four years now, i saw him yesterday which hurt cos he totally blanked me.
I keep seeing myself lying there dead, i keep thinking of ways, when i could do it, how long i would have. its like im planning my death in my head constantly.
I cant even leave the house anymore, im scared, i dont want people to see me, i been offered to go out but i cant cos i havent got any energy to fight to make myself go out. Im a mess, I cant do it.
I hear how you feel disregarded and discarded by your father. This hurts more than anything that you can bear. It may be that you choose to want to end your life rather than feel so rejected. You reject yourself to make the pain easier to bear.
The shame at being so disregarded seems to have made you acutely sensitive to being seen by others.
These are big deep painful issues, and you could really benefit from some good professional support, a safe space to explore what's happening to you, and safe ways through it so you can connect with yourself and others again.
my friend couldnt come around just yet I dont know when she'll be here her parents asked her to go home before she did anything. I wish I had a mate that I could talk to but the few people I trust arent around at the minute I dont know what to do anymore, I feel so lost and isolated i keep panicking I dont know what to do
The only thing I can think of is when I start feeling like there is nooone and no point and i cant see a way out. All I have done for the past few hours is sit in tears I dont know how much more I can take of this Im not strong enough to fight this battle. I might just give up I cant take it anymore
It sounds like you're feeling really really alone. I understand how much that can ache and how frightening it can feel.
Try to hold onto the fact that it won't be like this forever.
And we're here for you. Then there's your friend.
My mate didnt turn up and shes not answering her phone
i cant talk anymore
ive worn out the words so much i cant find them
i just feel like shit
i want it to end
I cant do it i got noone. My best mate has either gone offline and not said anythin or hes ignoring me which to be honest wouldnt be the first time but when he knows how much i need a mate doesnt help
i've got it all set out in my head, the times, what ill do, everything appart from the fact im scared that it wont work and ill have to face my family after. I cant ring anyone either everyones at work. my family are two hours away and i wouldnt tell them this anyway. ive totally broken down.
You can make yourself an emergency appointment with your doctor, or get down to a and e and ask to talk with the duty psychiatrist.
You could also phone The Samaritans 08457 90 90 90
