My grandma died on Sunday. I'm skipping my uni tutorial today. I'm finding it really hard keep my head above the water, so to speak. It's only the third week into the semester and I'm skipping classes already. The thing is, this is my final year and I really need to go to class, but there's always something in the back of my head trying to convince me not to go. Some sort of excuse or justification for skipping class. And then I have to lie about not turning up, which makes me feel even worse.
I'm increasingly finding it really hard to leave my house, unless it's absolutely necessary, and then often I'll only venture outside if someone comes with me. In a way I've become afraid, and sick of, the outside world.
I'm freaking out about my financial situation too. I've had 3 job offers (retail) in the last few weeks, but I've missed all of them because I was afraid to answer the phone. It sounds so stupid. I don't think I could handle dealing with people. What I'd really like to do is open an online shop where I could sell my paintings and maybe make jewellery and crocheted stuff. I would love to do that. But unfortunately I need a credit card to start selling (which I applied for but of course was rejected). All I have is social security benefits which all goes towards transport and paying bills etc.
I guess I'm just finding it harder and harder to cope. I only have one friend, and like my family she would rather talk about herself and pretend that nothing's wrong than face the fact that I might not be okay. She is the only one that knows I SI, but I know she doesn't understand it - and I suspect she doesn't want to. So basically I'm left to deal with all of this on my own. Please help. I'm turning 21 in a little over a month, and I'm scared I may not survive until then
.
