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Triggering (SI/OD) - :D
I'm finally ready to start stopping again! I lived through a potentially bad OD as of right now no complications (knock on wood!!). It's been a week since I ODed and since then I've realized just how much I don't want to die! yay? Well I guess it's a good decision to make! There HAS to be a reason why I didn't die, or get sick or anything after taking about 70 pills. There has to be a reason why there are people who care about me as much as they do to not give up hope on me! I know I have to get better. I know now that I WANT to get better!! I want to be able to compete trampoline at higher levels and not need to worry about the scars. I have the skills to compete the 2 levels under national, but I'm not mentally able to do it because I'm so afraid of showing the scars. My coach knows though so he's not mad about me needing to compete 3 levels under where I should be, he says that in september we'll talk about it. Which level I mean because (although he doesn't know I know this) he thinks that I'll "get over" the fear of showing them, the same way I "got over" my arm scars, but the scars on my arm are on my upper arm and aside from the 2 letters which aren't very visible, there is plausib;e deniability. My leg probably has 100 scars on it in a range of visibility that ALL go horizontal. Yeah... NO dought where THEY come from. Except he's never seen them so has no idea how bad they are. What ever. As long as I can still jump on the tramp, I really don't care. If it means I can't compete at all, well then I'll just train and deal with the consiquences!
But that isn't important at the moment! What is is that I'm finally ready! Ready to try for ME. I want to be free from this. I need to be.
"If you have positive thoughts and good thoughts then that is what is going to happen! Negative thoughts, like falling on your head, will lead just to that, I promise!" (when I was convinced everything would go horribly wrong if I tried to stop cutting)
"Everything will be alright. Try to go to bed and get some sleep. Just don't do anything else. Don't worry about anything. Call if you need okay? Just try to get some sleep. And remember why you want to stop before you do anything...Or... Just look at that picture. I'm smiling in it. Just have faith that you can do it! Believe in yourself as much as we do"
-My amazing friend who is saving my life. She sent me this after I told her I took to much medicine.
I'm excited.
I know I can do this!!
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