Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I Need Support.*another update...bad news*
i will need this up until and for a while after august 6.
i honestly cant think of what to write except that is when my dad died last year and im having a whole whole lot of trouble keeping myself alive right now, let alone ripping myself to pieces and the CONSTANT thoughts of breaking bones..
thank you.
xxxxxxxxxx
Last edited by Yellow : 16-08-2008 at 02:05 AM.
Reason: update
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
You deserve to take care fo yourself. You don't have to destroy your body.
And also, anger is a normal and expected part of grief. So are feelings of abandonment.
I'll be around and of course checking in on you.
Love you Rachel
Last edited by blondiebear : 03-08-2008 at 12:22 AM.
Reason: add something
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Rach,
First of all I am proud of you for reaching out for support. Please try and be gentle with yourself through this time, you don't deserve to be hurting anymore than you already are. I am here if you ever need someon to talk to or even just a hug. Take care of yourself
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
and now the bad news.
i spoke to my uncle(one who has Keith) and his mother is dying.
she got pneumonia and there is nothing more they can do for her. she has been put on comfort measures. Keith is losing his "mamaw". she's not biologically his mamaw but for 6 years she has been.
and my uncle is losing his mother. they have given her only days to live. his father died 2 years ago and hes having a very hard time with this. there is nothing i can do
and my uncle is so very good to me. i havent even known that his mother was sick until tonight. they may not make the visit. but thats ok with me. i felt like pure **** when he told me the news tonight because i have been pressuring him to let Keith come here to my house. and tonight he told me that he had no problem with that except he's afraid Keith might "pick up" on Kelly and i. i wont let that happen. as far as he knows, i just have a roomate who has a son and daughter. he will find out when he is older. it would blow his mind right now because his last memories of being at home were seeing me and his daddy. although his daddy wasnt living with us or he could have stayed at home!!! that still angers me that he didnt help when we needed it the most.
anyhow.....im all over the place. i went to bed but woke up only a few hours later. im so sick of sad news. my heart feels like its sick. everything on my body feels heavy. im familiar with this heaviness and its awful.
i need to stay busy and goodness knows the kitchen needs cleaning but just looking at it is overwhelming. besides it is Kelly's "job". ive thought of doing them for her but i think she needs to do them because it will help her depression when she feels a sense of accomplishment. then again...should i take the strain off of her? i dont know.
i feel like i may vomit.
i cant take much more of this guys. how much is one person supposed to endure? can i keep on "handling" it? i just dont know.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
that is very sad rachel.
i dont know why bad things seem to happen more to some people than to others. i do know how much it sucks.
cant think straight today but thinking of you lots.
much love xx
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
i dont know what to do with myself. its 2am now. i cleaned the whole kitchen...and did a load of laundry. i dont think i can go to sleep. and i dont want to keep getting up and down disturbing Kelly.
i need to cry very badly. i dont necessarily want to. i hate crying but i know i NEED to. but there are no tears. my blood has always been my tears. i know thats so cliche but it IS true. but i wont cut. it will upset Kelly too much. she says she's gotten use to it now. but i know she doesnt want another trip to the hospital. and if i cut....it will require stitches...i dont see the point of superficial cuts anymore. they do nothing for me.
you wouldnt believe it but ive tried to break bones but it doesnt work. i only get gigantic bruises. im so tired of it all. truly tired. so tired that i cant sleep. do you ever get that way? so tired that you just cant sleep? i do.
sorry for all the rambling again.
loves.
xxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
I'm sorry I don't have any useful advise at the moment but I am thinking of you. I'm getting tearful just looking at your thread. I'm so sorry for your loss and recent sad news. You cared enough to leave me well wishes when I was in hospital recently even though you weren't doing to well either. You can PM me any time if you need to talk....I'm always here for you. Loving hugs
Nathan
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
Hi Rach, I'm so sorry things are so sad for you right now. Well done for resisting SH, I know it's hard but if you just think of Kelly whenever you feel the urge I know you can do this.
Massive hugs
A.
i havent had much sleep so im kinda out of it. i feel sick. just want to hide in bed but Kelly wont have that. she's severely depressed and im basically doing everything while she sits on the couch. this is becoming too much for me. ive told her. she just seems to stare at me and it doesnt sink in.
im at my breaking point. i think the tears are coming soon. i can feel that ever so familiar lump in my throat.
i want my son and my papa right now. but i cant have either one.
i want to add a note that i am NOT talking bad of Kelly. i love her with all my heart. i just need her help and she isnt able to give it right now which means i have no one. oh well. i can do this. ive been here before.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
well...the dishes are supposed to be her's and the laundry mine and we alternate sometimes. but she seems "paralyzed" to me. she's very grumpy and right now im just trying to stay off her radar. i cant deal with her depression and everything thats going on with me right now. yes, im being selfish but in the long run, i will be ok and able to help Kelly if i take care of myself now.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
thank you Deanna. well...that made me cry. thank you. seriously...i needed to.
i know you are right in everything you said. ive tried numerous times to talk to her...telling her i NEED her right now...etc. ive told her that if she cant care of Kaleb..she needs to find someone who can. its like im talking to a blank space.
im out of options. i dont know what to do anymore because ive done all i know to do.
im so so sad.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
maybe you need to go and talk to kelly's mum and dad? *huggles tightly* i KNOW you can keep battling through this. I can feel it inside your soul! *hugs and clings*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Just stopping by to see how you're doing. I wish I could say something helpful.
*giving you a comforting reassuring a hug*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
