Triggering (SI/Suicide) - So ****ing trapped. I can't do this.

cookiesnher0in · 02-08-2008, 05:19 PM

I'm really sorry if none of this makes sense, I'm kind of bordering on frantic right now. Also, I'm putting this here because it deals a lot with more adult issues, such as money. Or lack thereof.

I am so sick of feeling trapped in my own home because I don't have the money or means to do anything at all. My depression stems mainly from being so isolated and alone. The more time I spend in this house with nothing to do, the worse everything gets.

Here it is, the weekend, where most normal people have **** to do and people to hang out with, places to go, etc. And here I am, stuck at the house, on my ass, playing video games so I don't tear myself apart.

I just wish I had a life. Even a small one. I can't get a job to literally save my life, the places I've tried all aren't hiring. And it's not like I have the money or the bus tokens to waste on job hunting all over the damn city.

It's just all getting to me too much. Distractions don't work anymore. I can't cry anymore, which scares the **** out of me. I just can't do it. I need to, and I can't. I'm finding it very hard to hold onto my thoughts. I just feel so cornered, I want a way out. Any way out. Normally when it gets like this, I just get wasted, I mean it helps at the time. I don't have any substances of any kind. I'm trying really hard not to cut because I don't want to deal with the questions, and I'm scared I'll go too far. I almost don't care though.

Last night, I took a bunch of sleeping pills and passed out for 20+ hours. It wasn't really a suicide attempt, but I took enough to kill me. I have plenty more, and I'm so tempted to just keep repeating the process until something changes or I die. Being asleep is so much safer than being awake.

I don't even know where I'm going with this post anymore. I'm really sorry, this was just a big rambly heap of crap. I'm just so desperate, and I don't really have any places to turn anymore. I can't talk to my friends about any of this, I can't even post in my own journal anymore. This is my last resort, this site.

blondiebear · 02-08-2008, 05:39 PM

Please, feel free to talk to us.

I wish i had advice for you.

Yellow · 03-08-2008, 12:02 AM

*squishes tight*

hunni...i have no advice but i wanted to tell you that i can relate to so much of what you said. we are broke as hell too and it sucks ass. im really sorry.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

effervescence · 03-08-2008, 10:37 AM

hey.
do you have any family or friends you could spend time with so you're not alone or even borrow a bit of money off so you could search further for a job?

cookiesnher0in · 03-08-2008, 01:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by effervescence

hey.
do you have any family or friends you could spend time with so you're not alone or even borrow a bit of money off so you could search further for a job?

No, that's kind of my problem. The few friends I do have are too broke to do anything and most of them don't have cars. My family doesn't give a **** about me, even though my grandmother is loaded she wouldn't lift a finger to help me.