is it wrong that i actually want my boyfriend to sleep with me, as in sleep? sure its all well and good to have 60kg of dog snoring away near me, but i want my man to hold me while i sleep for once.
it cos his mate is staying with us. they stay up all night, playing xbox and smoking. he hits bed at 6am, i generally get up at 7am. he gets up at 3pm, if that, and i'm generally stuffed by then, going to bed at 8. we clean we cook and we watch tv or read.
i feel like i've done something wrong, something to upset him and that he is punishing me by not coming to bed and holding me. am i just insecure?
tonight, i'm at my parents, babysitting their dogs while they are away for the weekend. so i can't do anything about it now.
add to this i'm increasingly random in mood.
not quite coping at the minute.
i'm nervous about hearing from the trainee enrolled nurse trainers. i hope they take me on. i don't know what i'm going to do if they don't.
i'm tired. but i'm not sleepy if that makes sense
i don't know whats going on right now...
i tried today before i left. at 10 am. had to make it a joke cos he was fragile due to not takig his meds yesty. didn't mention the insecurity. just that i didn't really like always going to bed on my own and waking up on my own. it wouldn't even be that bad if he would come to bed for that hour before i woke up.but he usually either stays up until i am well and truely awake, or crashes on the couch, watching a movie.
he can't sleep to silence, nor music, so i borrowed the harry potter books on cd from my mum so he would crash in bed. it worked for a while. until his mate moved back in.
i don't have an issue with the dope. i don't smoke it, he does, but i smoke ciggies. i can't stand the smell of it, makes me gag, but he doesn't do it round me so its all good.
i feel like smashing the xbox. i've been so stressed about it that i've been smoking 3 times as many ciggies as i usually do.and its all because of NBA2K7, the xbox and his mate.
it doesn't really bother me all that much during daylight hours. but when the sun goes down i stress about it.
i'm gonna go make me a coffee now.
my gp, my mum and sammi... no wait. shes in scotland. firetruck, i miss her. psychiatrist is an idiot, haven't seen him in months. counsellors don't work for me. they just let me yak on about the little stuff, thinking that it will lead on to the big stuff, but that never happens.
i don't have very many real friends anymore. just sammi and she's overseas. only person i can really open up to if its about ben. i have long standing phobia of dissappointing my mother which occasionally makes it hard to really open up to her. hell, i no longer have any imaginary friends, which is supposedly a good thing. but sometimes, like right now, i miss talking to some of them.
nathan's in hospital i think, (not really sure of anything right now) so i can't msg him. i've never even met him, but we sometime msg each other for support.
i'm not gonna hurt myself. i don't think i have the courage, the will to. if that makes any sense. been on the net for hours and still haven't done anything constructive. now i'm just rambling and wait for the kettle to boil.
meybe. i'll try and drag him to bed tonight. as in sunday night. and i'll try to chat to him.
i was thinking that partly why this bothers me so much lately is cos i feel isolated cos my best (and pretty much only atm, apart from ben) friend is incommunicado in scotland atm, and i'm not sure if she took her mobile.
if i have to move for the TEN thing, i'm gonna have to kidnap her and take her with me. she's only been gone since monday and i am so not coping without her.
...I try to outsmart him, but somehow he knows,
Wherever I am, that f***ing dog goes... - Dog, Andy Bull
No matter how bad things get, the true test is how we choose to respond to the pain we suffer, or inflict. - Amenadiel, Lucifer
Why is the path unclear,
When we know hope is near
Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear
~~Margo is my penguin 🐧!!! ~~
Talking quietly to your guy often helps. Be honest and tell him that you miss him. Don't shout or scream at him though.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
