Triggering (SI) - *maybe triggering rape* i don't know... but how do i tell someone...

[whoops]

this is driving me nuts... everytime i start to get close to someone i go insane and ruin everything... but i dont know how to approach this calmly or properly.

i was raped 7 years ago... i can't believe it was so long. and everytime i have been interested in someone and have been approaching something you might term a relationship, then i turn back into the useless fool i know i am and **** it up.

my biggest problem is i don't know how to tell them that sex scares me. terrifies me. and so when i am interested in someone, instead of thinking about them my stupid mindless self focusses on images of me cutting.

which is what is happening now... i was in a meeting at work last week actually doing sawing motions on my arm... , but just zoned out of the meeting and was having all sorts of images in my head... scary and horrid. i have also been thinking about buying everything i need to start cutting again.

i am getting closer and closer to ending my six months without SI and i dont know what to do.

the person i am interested in must know i cut myself... the scars are there for all to see... but how do i begin to talk about the rape... without scaring him off... it just seems like too big of a conversation to be having before we are even in a real relationship.

crap. i just read this over again, and i sound like a whining child... i am so concerned with the unimportant - you can add egocentric to my list of shitty qualities.

[Pomegranate]

you dont sound at all whiney and it doesn't sound unimportant at all. If you can't face telling the person to their face could you maybe write it down in a letter or something? The rape is a part of your past and whilst it is a big conversation to have, it sounds like you feel it needs to be had. There will probably never be an ideal time to tell them something like that but I think if he cares about you then he will take it and not be phased by it.

I'm sorry I cant be more help x

[Bitter_Angel]

Do you have a therapist at all? If not i think that it might be a good idea to get one hun. It sounds to me like you still struggle with the issues from the past. Somone could help you to learn how to deal with these emotions so that they do not cause as much pain.

As for talking to him, it will always be a difficult conversation, but take it one step at a time. If he is decent, he will stand by you and support you. You did nothing wrong. And although it is easier to say than do, dont be ashamed. It was not your fault. Talk about it in a way in which you feel comfortable. Write it down if it helps.

Hope it goes ok for you hun.
Take care
Kim

[whoops]

i had a therapist... i am living in japan now... mental health care out here is shitty... one hospital told me that they don't have antidepressants... it is obviously in the same bloody cupboard as the birth control that they also dont have here.

luckily new city, new hospital. have changed my meds, which has caused me to go a bit haywire but slowly settling down. have a referral to see someone here but not sure if my insurance will cover it.

going through highs of loving it and lows of counting the pennies trying to see if i could make it home. the scary thing is right now there are not enough pennies and i wouldnt make it past korea... so i have to tough it out and save a bit.

as for talking... i invited him round for coffee and said nothing. very productive.

[Mimsy]

When I approach the big issues, I always tell the person that I've got something to tell them beforehand- it helps. That way when they come they often ask what it is I want to talk about. Sometimes it takes me a while to get things out, but each time the persons been really careful and sensitive. When people care about you, they want to know everything so they can help you. Take it slow. Good luck xxxx