Psych report *may trigger* UPDATED

loopylucy08 · 30-07-2008, 07:27 PM

Ok this is a bit tough because I dont want to give too much information that could identify me to any interested party. Basically today I had to see my psychiatrist because she wanted me to read a copy of a medical report she is sending to a college I am due to start in September. I declined the opportunity to see it on my consent form for her giving information to them because I just KNEW it would not help me in the slightest and just make me more upset and anxious.

Any way she insisted. Its not as much the information she is sending, but from reading her thing I have discovered a lot of information that I didnt know before- like their opinions and stuff about me. Its made me question whether I should bother having any further mental health treatment at all- a lot of it was news to me, and also I dont think they really understand in the slightest what is going on for me, because while some of what she said was true even though I found it hard to accept, other things I was like "what?" And I didnt really think she had any of the essence of my problems from what they are like from my perspective.

So now I really dont know what to do. I dont actually think they can help me. In fact its made me even more determined that I want to lose more weight and self harm more. I dont think I can explain to them any more than I have and her report basicaly had failure written all over it- phrases like " no real progress" and than sort of thing. I might as well quit while Im ahead. Im quite clearly useless. I want to give up. I want to quit treatment. Im cancelling my next therapy session. I dont see the point in it any more.

Shenanigans · 30-07-2008, 08:00 PM

Seeing a report on yourself is often very upsetting I don't know why she insisted for you to see it if you said you didn't want to.

Could you perhaps raise these feelings with her? I don't think you are usless and I don't think leaving your sessions will help hun, but raising these thoughts and feelings could start a very good progress with the both of you.
I hope you feel better soon hun
Xxxxx

loopylucy08 · 30-07-2008, 08:26 PM

Thanks for your replies. Losing more weight and self harming makes me feel much better and has helped me more than they ever have or will. I did have a meeting this afternoon with her to discuss it but Id had a bit of a delusional episode in the car on the way over and I was really shaken up any way so I couldnt really concentrate and it didnt help at all. She explained some bits to me but I still left feeling like I am a complete failure and waste of space and all their times and efforts. I have just emailed and cancelled my Friday therapy appointment. As Im "making no real progress" its not going to help me in any way.

loopylucy08 · 30-07-2008, 08:32 PM

All the words keep racing round my head all doom and gloom, makes me feel even more like this is it and I cant get better- "poor relationships", "no progress", " continue to deteriorate". I want to OD. Im sorry guys!

loopylucy08 · 30-07-2008, 08:54 PM

But it had my prognosis on it too- and my prognosis was **** as well.

The Midnight Crazies · 30-07-2008, 11:12 PM

Next time you visit your psychiatrist bring in a clipboard and sit down just looking at her and writing down some stuff in the exact way your report was written down. You should force her to look at it and then say 'now you'll know how I felt when you did that to me'.

Marte

Steel Maiden · 31-07-2008, 06:41 AM

That's horrible. I can understand where you're coming from. The psychiatrist from the HTT sent a letter to my prospective uni with headers like 'paranoid schizophrenia', 'hospital admissions' and 'self-harm'. He told them all my schiz symptoms too. They probably don't want me now.
But I'm sure your college will accept you.

loopylucy08 · 31-07-2008, 07:29 AM

Not on the course Ive applied for- its a training course for a health care profession.

Thanks for the replies! Marte you made me smile- I like that idea. Steel Maiden Im sorry you're going through all this as well.

I think the thing which has scared me about therapy is she put in her report that I have episodes of being dependent on my caregivers- news to me. Well I dont want to be dependent on them!!! And I didnt think I was at all. So now I dont want any more treatment because I dont want to be dependent on them. And it makes me angry too because when ive asked to be discharged, they've said no, if my CC wasnt giving me two appointments a week, I wouldnt be going to two appointments a week. I am just attending appointments because that is what they have professionals obviously think i need ( in frequency etc) otherwise they wouldnt offer me them in the first place, so I bow to people who are more expert in this area than me. I AM NOT going to become dependent on them, I would rather stop treatment altogether, than risk becoming dependent on them for any thing.

Stellata · 31-07-2008, 08:11 AM

It sounds like being dependent really scares you. Do you have a sense of why this might be?

loopylucy08 · 31-07-2008, 08:15 AM

Thanks for your reply. I just feel very angry about certain elements of the report. I always new there would be bits I didnt like very much which is fair enough and Ive kind of gritted my teeth and swallow them, but certain bits have come as a bolt out of the blue and Im like where the hell did she get that from. The dependence thing has really freaked me out- like I said I dont want to be dependent on any one, and I have not deliberately tried to be dependent on them and I dont want to subconsciously find myself getting dependent on them. Thats why i think I should take control and end it on my terms, my decision not theres and go it alone for a bit. As far as Im concerned, if Im making "no real progress" with them as she put it, then there is not much difference between me seeing them and not seeing them.

loopylucy08 · 31-07-2008, 08:16 AM

Being dependent is bad surely, because it makes it more difficult to let go when the time comes, and I dont like putting my trust in people because then they just abuse it

Amadeus · 01-08-2008, 02:55 AM

I'm dealing with kind of the same thing, I just read the reports from the hospital psychs from the last few times I went to the ER. The thing that ****ing pissed me off most was in the last one where it was written kind of as a timeline (he did this, then he did that, then this happened) and it basically says that I went there to get drugs (which I didn't). So when I show the reports to my psych that's how I think he's going to take it. The only thing I have going for me I guess is that I think I trust my pysch enough to believe me when I tell him the reasons that I did go.

I think (especially from your last post) that trust is something that don't put a lot of faith in, since as you say, they're always going to abuse it. I do think though, that this could be a chance for you to really talk with your docs about why they wrote what they wrote, the reasons for it and whatnot, and make them see YOUR side of it. I mean, anything they wrote down came from talking with you and they easily could have gotten the wrong idea about somethings, especially if it was something that wasn't explored in depth. Talking with them will help clear up those issues (and may actually help you get out faster) and will also go a long way in helping yourself.

Good luck, no matter what you do, and keep posting.

loopylucy08 · 01-08-2008, 04:50 AM

Thanks once again for all your replies. I had cancelled my therapy appointment on Friday- emailed my social worker and told her I was fine and really didnt need to see her. Ha ha.

But yesterday I had a really bad day and I just wasnt safe and I'd cut pretty badly. I am a very lucky girl and the lovely Jen ( jennyflower) came over and she helped me write back to my social worker and explain that I am scared after the report that I am getting too dependent on them which is why I wanted to cancel the appointment. She then got me to the doctors so that they could treat my wounds cos I had lost quite a lot of blood and was dizzy.

My social worker emailed me back and said she couldnt force me but in view of everything she'd rather see me today so we can talk it through about my feelings about it all. And that is basically what is happening.

Big hugs to all you guys for your kind support!

Stellata · 01-08-2008, 07:53 AM

I agree with alternate_reality there. There's nothing to be ashamed of in needing support. We all need people. Need and dependency can be scary things. But especially if we couldn't depend on or trust adults around us when we were growing up, to experience the feelings now in a supportive relationship can help to complete a healthier process of development.

falling tears · 01-08-2008, 10:05 AM

Obviosly being dependant is scarng you, and its also hard when you get dependant to let these people go. I really do not think that you need to worry about being dependant, cos as you said yesturday 'if the proffesionals didnt ask me to go see them Iwouldnt'. You know yourself that this Dr K has absolutely no idea about who you are, and please try not to make it get to you as much, just believe us as your friends, when we say that the doctor is ****.

I love you rebecca, and i am hopnig you are safe.

lots of love...JEN

PrincessVegeta_x · 01-08-2008, 03:59 PM

I saw a psychiatric report about myself when I was 13. It was when I was just out of hospital - been sectioned for reasons I don't really want to say - and I was in my mum's bedroom (looking for my birthday present).

You know what, I didn't find my present, I found this report at the bottom of the wardrobe. It said 'Miss Katie Walker, Psychiatric Evaluation Assessment' on the front page. Naturally, it interested me and I read it. I was shocked by what I read, it was horrible.

There were phrases in there that I'd said, stuff like 'I don't care anymore' and the thing I said to my mum when I threatened to kill myself (about an hour before I tried to) which was 'If I end up in hospital over this, I'm blaming you - I don't care about what happens to me, if I end up on the life support machine you can f***ing switch it off.'

Ok, so I know I said it, but it still upset me to see it written down. Also the psychiatrist thought I saw people at night, just because I don't like walking in the dark. The word 'delusional' is somewhere in that report, as well as 'schizotypical' and 'maybe borderline.'

Also, referring to my treatment at the psychiatric hospital -
'Refuses medication, doesn't want to be helped, hopeless case.'

It really does hurt to see horrible things written about you, I know.

Katie
xx

loopylucy08 · 01-08-2008, 05:05 PM

Thank you! I know Im not the only one.

Have just got back from seeing my social worker who thinks Im using the dependency as an excuse to not engage with psychology! I mean WTF????!!! They're the ones saying Im dependent and then they are saying Im using it as an excuse!!! And I was like "you dont get it, She won't let me be dependent on you!" She told me that if I am dependent on them then she is going to punish me because I am only allowed to be dependent on her and her only. And then what does my social worker say? " You do know shes not real Rebecca dont you?" What the hell is she on about? Of course She is real. She is the one that makes me do half the psycho stuff that I dont ever remember wanting to do myself! Why wont they accept that? They quite obviously think Im a pathoogical lier as well as being dependent on them. And she said she wants to talk about the report more which I actually dont want to do because it just upsets me. And now Im home and She is so angry with me because I went to the appointment. I was depending on them-exactly like She wont let me do!

Stellata · 01-08-2008, 06:27 PM

Having an internal Other, your She - mine's called Katrina - can be really distressing, with all kinds of internal conflicts. This Other believes it protects you, but ends up tormenting you even more.
Unfortunately not everyone understands having an Other.