Triggering (SI/Suicide) - The Darkness Is Creeping Back

[CaiteeBug]

I could do with a bit of support. I realize this is the first time I'm askin, but lately, things have been getting worse. I wear this mask that I'm fine when I'm really not. The thought, the voices tellin me to do this or that and I'm gettin tired of the ****.

The depression's gettin worse and the pills aren't helping. I saw my psychiatrist last week and she increased them and still they're not working. I know where the depression is coming from. I'm still dealin with grief issues from the death of my parents almost 2 years ago. I miss them so much and some nights I want to go and join them.

I know I should check myself in to the hospital with the current state of mind I'm in but I just can't bring myself to. I have the usual "excuses" not to go. I have my jobs to think about. I worry that if I call of up bosses from my jobs and let them know that I'm goin to the hospital that in the end, I'll lose the jobs. Work is what's keepin me goin so far but I don't know how much longer I can hold on for.

I saw my therapist last Wednesday and was tellin her about my plans and the little ODs I've been taking to cope with all this ****. I'm gettin so sick and tired of the vicious circle. It's like **** it all. But then I think of all the people I would leave behind. But then I think about if I did kill myself and what it would be like to be with my parents and my pain will be gone.

I'm sorry this is kinda long but I felt like I had to say somethin, to voice how I feel and not keep it bottled up any longer. I can't help but feel that my end is coming. I don't want to think about my end but it's just been constantly on my mind.

Take Care,
Cait<3

[blue_cloud]

my first thought is what use is a job if your not there to work it?
i think if your feeling so bad please check yourself into hospital i know real life kinda gets in the way of looking after yourself but i believe this is something worth putting life on hold for
i can offer hugs if you need them *hugs*

[CaiteeBug]

Thank you diamond. I'm not sure what to do though, I mean I love my jobs. I tend to put work and others before myself.

[blue_cloud]

i know its hard but sometimes you have got to think of you first and others second *hug*

[Casper_Fading]

You wont be able to put anything before you if you're dead. Yes? yes.

honey, if you actually think that you need hospital (and you said you did) then you need it. Your bosses can't fire you for being ill. So F8CK them. Please... get help. Please.

[blondiebear]

It is okay for you to take care of yourself.
It is okay for you to grieve. I think we lost something when we lost customs and symbols for grief.

*cuddles you*

[CaiteeBug]

Thank you everyone *hugs back* I guess I'm bein a stubborn bitch. I feel like if I go into the hospital that means I'm weak and admitting defeat. it's like I'm a 3 year old and sayin "no no no" I'm tryin to hold on as long as I can. If I can get through each day that is. I'm tryin to reach out and use my support systems before goin to the hospital. The hospital is a last resort.

[Casper_Fading]

no. going to get help is a strength. much harder to get help then not to. easy to say i can't be ****ed. not so easy to say... help me. *hugs*