Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Please, I can't do this without some advice... (updated after session, #75)
I've got a therapy session tomorrow. Last week we continued the previous weeks discussion about what made this MD episode different from the others in the past as before I was able to push on despite almost crippling depression and this time have been unable to.
The week before I had told him that my only guess was that the events of the school year before the episode really set in and the depression really took control, specifically one particular teacher and the problems I had with him may have had something to do with it.
I told him the story. That the teacher was an ass, a bad teacher, and had a bad habit of behaving inappropriately with his students. I told him about his (the teacher) habit of drinking and doing drugs with students, even going so far as to purchase the items. I told him about the time he showed up at my apartment late at night drunk and stayed for four hours (and how after that night he would email me on my blackberry mobile from his telling me he was out walking and going to stop by, telling me that he was worried because I hadn't answered his email in an hour and so he was coming over). I told him what we had talked about that night including him telling me he told another patron in a bar that I was his girlfriend (!!), the story he told me (that I had already heared) about seeing one of the girls from his 2nd year ASL class (the one I was in) in a bar... Buying her drinks, and then later, the pot they both smoked. How he had been coming on to her and so one of her friends hit him.
The story had been a bit disjointed but at this time he asked me if he (the teacher) had done something similar with me. I think that was the time I told him about the teacher telling someone the two of us were dating and then on to the part where this neighbor boy I didn't know joined us... I didn't answer his question, I broke eye contact, all clear signs that I wasn't telling him everything.
He asked me later on in the session how talking about this was for me... I told him I hadn't told him everything (insinuating that it would be worse if I had). He suprised me (I was to miserable at the time to notice the signals I had sent, what a good psychology student I am) by telling me that he had a feeling I hadn't. He then told me all that good stuff "As you know, talking about things can be helpful... Traumatic..." all that good stuff... And then told me that he would ask me about it again at our next session (tomorrows).
What I didn't tell him... That the night he showed up he crossed the line in more ways than already mentioned... How I watched (and had to tell him to stop... He's deaf, btw, so I was doing all the talking as far as the two of us hearing folk in the group went) him grab the poor neighbor boy by his package, essentially groaping the guy... How at one point, one of the times his hand came into contact with the poor guys pelvic region (he was being weird, kind of slapping at the two of us), there was also some brief hand-to-groin contact as far as the two of us were concerned (his hand) and that while he apologised I don't believe it was an accident.
Just writing all this makes me want to cut I can't decide if it is because of what happened or because of the idea of talking about it...
He's going to ask tomorrow. He already thought the other stuff was "traumatic"... What will he say about this? Should I even tell him? Will I be able to tell him?
Sorry it's such a long post all, took more explaining than I wanted it to... If you read this far, thanks for your patience.
PS the only reason I put Trigger for sexual abuse is because I am afraid even this insignificant little thing might trigger someone and I would hate that...
Last edited by ~*forever_broken*~ : 04-08-2008 at 09:29 PM.
Reason: stupid t9 again
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
i'm sure i've seen this before... grr stupid memory
honey you SHOULD tell him. you WILl be able to and it will be fgood. I would suggest printing this out and jsut giving it to hiM? so much easier than talking about it! *hugs* let us know
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
yeah, maybe print it out?
i think you should tell him sweetie. he already knows that something is up.
you need to tell him even if it's just so you can stop worrying about whether to tell him or not.
it might even help.
good luck, tell us how it goes ok? xx
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
Lol, no, Jess, it's not your memory, I wrote about this in my thread... I was hoping if I made this one I'd get a few more opinions, a few more folks pushing me in the right direction...
*sigh* printing it out is a good idea... But he tends to ask me to read stuff out loud, or he reads it and I can't stand it...
Gosh, I'm being redicules, I know I should tell him but I'm not prepared for it should he decide it's something important to continue talking about, if he thinks it is a big deal...
This is me, being childish...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Well at least if you had to read it you wouldn't have to think, you can kinda... i dunno shut down and parrot it to him. Or just ask him to read it to himself becasue you're so uncomfortable with it?
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
your teacher is an ass and horriable and going to your house at all is unproffesional and wrong! talking about it seems scary but it will help. Find a way to tell your thepiest! I promis talking will help in the end.
Just ignore me... wait you already do!
I was Lei'd live in vets!
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Secrete
Even if you think it is a small or minor thing, the effect it is having on you isn't. Please see if you can get it out to your therapist and take the power out of it?
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
i think it is something very significant and that you should try and talk it through you never know once you have even though it will be g=hard you may understand it yourself a bit better *hugs*
An hour... My session is in an hour... Taking some tea because that gives me something to play with and not look at him (yay for travel cups and their lids).
An hour...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
You will be okay.
I always tuck a soda into my tote bag.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
10 minutes... Walking across the parking lot right now... I don't know if I can do this y'all, I think I'm gonna die... Why in Gods name did I even have to suggest that that might have had something to do with it all? Because I'm a ducking idiot that's why...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
We spent most of the time talking around the subject as I did not want to say it, to even talk about it really. Poor man, he was very patient though. I told him that all the advice I had gotten this past week (from all you lovely people) had been to tell him. Eventually I told him that many of y'all had told me to print it off and give it to him, but unfortunatly I don't have the internet at my apartment and so I didn't... He looked a little undecided for a bit or like he was thinking and then said that we could do that. Wound up finding it on my blackberry and going to the part he needed to read (if we did it on his computer, well, he'd be able to get to the site again and stuff and while I do not believe he would do that...).
He read it. He told me where hew as (when he figured he had read the important part) and I said, 'Ok, no worries' followed by 'Oh... ****' because I realised he had read the part that said that just writing it made me want to cut... He poked around that reaction a bit (I think he was giving himself time to think, tbh, to collect his thoughts) and then started in.
"You said you saw him groap the neighbor boy... What reaction did you have to that..? It seems like it would be something that would have really effected you...And he touched you too..."
(I was responding during all of this, I just can't remember what I said *shrug*)
I keep hearing that last statement (because it wasn't really a question)
"And he touched you too..."
Good lord, sounds like something you'd ask a child... maybe... I don't know... it just sounds so... ****, I don't know...
We're talking about it next week as we didn't really get anywhere since I stalled for so long...
I can't wait to get home to my blade and my alcohol...
"And he touched you too..."
****
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
*gladly accepts a hug from her wonderful RYL uncle and takes a moment to cry on his sholder while she's there*
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
You want to die because it is beyond awful to talk about this stuff and to admit and realise what happened.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
sweetling... you DID it. You showed him. What you're teacher did was WRONG! It's abusing trust you've put in him, doesn't matter if your 9 or 19... it's still an abuse of trust. *cuddles* DON"T CUT! You are stronger then him! You CAN get through it.
*cuddles some mroe*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
But nothing HAPPENED! *not a mad yell, just an emphatic one* it was too darn brief to say something happened, you could barely call it a 'touch'. Very brief. Very.
*sigh* and now I get TWO hours next week " not that we would necessarily use both hours, but just so we don't have to rush and we can use the extra time if we need it"
Go me *rolls eyes*
And after sounding childish and ungrateful... Thanks guys, really *cuddles all*
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
So? What does it matter if it was just a brief touch or a long one? it was inappropriate and it's HURTING you! You are important sweetie, really and truly! I'm glad your therapist is giving you two hours. you need them i hink. maybe you can get past the wall that is stopping you really talking and make some real progress *cuddles you tight*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
What's hurting me is having to talk about it in therapy, about it being made into a big deal...
Cuts good... About six inches (15.24 cm) long, deep, about a quarter inch (.6354 cm) wide... Took a lot of tape but I got it closed...
"And he touched you too..."
An extra hour so we don't have to rush...
**** me.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Just writing all this makes me want to cut 
