*update*

at the moment I am being seen twice a day by the Home treatment Team and they are lovely, except this morning the nurse who saw me, I gave him a letter I had written (see R&V) about my experiences, and he went mental talking about hospital and sections, and I calmed him down and he's not going to do anything - except they want me to see their doctor asap and the nurse was very threatening saying they would tell if I lied and they may make me go to hospital etc. I'm seeing them again in half an hour, and hopefully the doctor during the early week, but I'm so scared they're going to make me go to hospital. I don't want to be in hospital, I am doing everything I can to cooperate, but it seems there's no way out. I have phoned them everytime I have been about to kill myself, I have told them everything and this seems to have made things worse. My Mum is really upset, they seem to think I have psychossis, which I dont, I am just depressed because of these spirits. And I am so scared about what's going to happen to me, either with teh spirits getting their own way or the HTT doing something to me. What if the spirits are turning everyone against me? I don't know what to do. I shouldn't have involved them, it's just I have become depressed from the spirits. Sorry to post, I hope people are able to reply, I know it's a bit impossible, I'm really sorry, I am just so scared, many of you know I spent a long time in and out of hospital previously and I pretty much gave up on life, and I don't want to go back there.

[Stellata]

How'd it go, Abigail?

I wouldn't say you were psychotic. I'd say that you were feeling really low and pursued by the darkness in your unconscious. It sounds like it's hard to cope with your shadow side and it's turning in on itself and attacking others almost, as well as yourself.

However unfortnately I'm not in your treatment team. I just happen to be someone who knows a lot about psychodynamic unconscious forces through living with them.

They were really nice, they said that I'm someone they would tlak to about voluntary hospital admission and their main concern is my safety, but they feel my Mum being around, how honest I am and that I am able to use the crisis line are safety facors that keep me out of hospital.
I also challenged them as to what teh spirits are if they're not spirits, they said they think I'm having a crisis in reaction to my Dad's burial (his ashes didn't get buried till thursday before last for various reasons with getting a plot available, and that's what woke up the spirits, me being there) which presents itself as psychotic in nature.

Even the church don't seem to believe me, and my Mum gets so angry when I talk about them as spirits. I'm not psychotic. I've been reassured by doctors over four years that I'm not psychotic. I'm scared and the spirits are scaring me and everything is scaring me and I don't know what to do.

Sorry, thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it.

[tamobhuuta]

Quote:

Even the church don't seem to believe me, and my Mum gets so angry when I talk about them as spirits. I'm not psychotic. I've been reassured by doctors over four years that I'm not psychotic. I'm scared and the spirits are scaring me and everything is scaring me and I don't know what to do.

i'm really sorry you're in this position and i thought i would just say in reaction to what you said ^ my mum thinks i'm psychotic too, though the MH people have always said i'm not, though neither they nor my mum believe what i say think about the things i experience. though all you're going through is much worse than anything i put up with, i thought i would say, don't stop being honest with the treatment team or your mum (even if it seems a waste of time) because that's the surest way to let these spirits take over. i hope it goes ok with the doctor this week. xxx

Thanks everyone for your support. You're all great, and mean a lot to me.
I had a difficult night, I'm having even more problems than usual sleeping and the usual nightmares.

I think it was a shock to be told they think I'm psychotic (mind you they'er nurses, not doctors, but my psychotherapist who I see outside of the cmht privately said he thought I was psychotic and is the one who urged me to contact them), and also the threat of hospital/section yesterday. It made me very panicky. Also it's hard that no one believes me about the spirits, or rather, as they've said to me, they believe they are real to me, but they don't believe they are real to anyone else. However I am able to tell the difference between what's real and what's not, and I have given them examples of other people in my head who I can tell are thoughts and such.

I'm currently waiting for the HTT to ring and then come around probably, they have their meeting first thing I think, and then I'l find out about when I can see a doctor. I feel I've really messed this up. I wanted help with the reactive depression to the spirits and now I'm being told I'm psychotic.

Thank you so much for all your support and kindness.

Sorry to spam, I'm scared they're trying to trick me into being hospitalised. Because instead of coming to my house today they've asked me to see them at the hospital. Not like in the ward, but like, part of the hospital is for outpatients or something, do you know what I mean? Gah, jjust they talked about hospital and sections yesterday and if I'm at the hospital already it would make it a lot easier for them, because my Mum won't be around and I'm a bit off colour and I'm scared, and I wouldn't be able to run easily (or not at all from my experiences in hospital, I enver got far when I was on holding power sections or even running away when I wasn't). I really want their help but I don't want to be sectioned or put into hospital. I know if it comes to it it's to go in voluntarily but frmo my experience in this ward before I had no negotiation to what I could or couldn't to when I was voluntary before and I'm scared, my Mum would kill me if I got put in hospital again. I think the spirits would too, because they get angry when I talk about them.

Yeah, thanks, you're right. Just she thought she lost me last year when I was in hospital before, and she's scared of losing me again/altogether. I didnt' get a chance to say good bye to you on chat, but thanks so much for being there for me.

I have been very calm and rational I Think, I've explained to them and given them examples of how I know what's real and what's nt, I wrote them a very calm letter detailing my syptoms, but that seems to have been a bad idea nad they've gotten worked up about it. Gah. Yeah I was thinking about if anyone could come, butI don't think there is.

Hi, sorry I only just got back (bumped into an understanding friend on the way back who took me out for a bit).

I saw the scary nurse and a social worker. I have my emergency appointment with the doctor tomorrow at 2. Don't have the capacity to write much more right now, but thank you so much for your support, and I'll talk more in a bit.

x

Even the church don't seem to believe that the spirits are real spirits. Everyone thinks it's some form of mental illness. But it's not. And all teh diagnoses are frustrating me so much, my Mum's going on about it being my ocd and I jsut want to scream and shout that all of them having their own ideas about what's wrong with me isn't helping. My Mum gets cross with me when I refer to the spirits as spirits, but that's what they are.

I see the doctor at 2 today. I think I'm safe from being sectioned because the nurse didn't start on about it yesterday evening. They said they want to change my medication drastically. I'm currently on Abilify 20mg (and I cant' tolerate a higher dose) Diazepam 8mg including prn (which I'm having to take every day) Timazepam technically 10 mg but I'm takign 20 and still can't sleep (they know this), carbamezapine 300mg (does nothing) and clomipramine, which keeps me ocd in check. They're saying I need a better sedative than diazepam and a stronger sleeping pill (I've no idea what this would be, any ideas, I've been on zolpiclone and was on it so long it doesn't work anymore) and they want to change my antipsychotics. I'm contesting the Borderline Diagnosis I'e had pinend on me since I turned 18 and getting a second opinion, but that will wait until I'm more stable. They're talking about the Early Intervention Team also.

Thank you so much for your support.

[Stellata]

What do you feel your diagnosis is?

[Steel Maiden]

I apologise for not getting back sooner - Seacole ward's computer is rarely free and is only on for a limited time.
My best wishes go out to you, and I would say carry on being very co-operative; they can't section you if you co-operate.
You are on a lot of medication, I think that you're on too much actually and its probably making things worse physically.
I think you have my mobile number (if not e-mail me), so please txt me if you feel desperately bad. My phone is on 24 hours a day.
I don't think you're psychotic either, so I support that. As you know I have paranoid schizophrenia, so I say this from an experienced inner voice. You are not psychotic.

[snailonvalium]

i hope the meeting with the doctor goes ok for you today.
i have to agree with steel maiden about the amount of meds,sometimes being on so many can make things a lot worse.
if they suggest going into hospital,id say go in voluntarily,especially if theyre thinking of changing your meds.xx

Thank you everyone *cookies and hugs to you all.*

I am not going into hospital, the doctor didn't mention it (maybe the nurse was just meughy). So that's a big relief.

She was a very good doctor, I didn't really like her personality but I got the idea that she was extremely good by how thorough and how many things she asked me. I was completely honest (including spirits wanting me to harm people which I had said I wouldn't tell anyone, but she didn't freak out so that was ok). We went through pretty much everything. She wants me to have a CT Scan (a sort of brain scan) to rule out if I have epilepsy?? I don't think I do, but now I've looked it up on the NHS Diret site, I do have symptoms of simple partial seizures. :[ She thinks my dissociations, episodic brief twitching and falling down and "hallucinations" (spirits) could be connected to this. Since talking to my Mum I've found out my Grandma has epilepsy (never knew this) and so, I'm not ruling it out, but seeing as the spirits are real, and were triggered by my Dad, it seems unlikely, however it could be the spirits are causing epilepsy or anyway.

However, her opinion is that I have first presentation psychosis / psychotic episode. She's referring me to the Early Intervention Team for further assessments. I'm staying with the home treatment team for now, which is good because the cmht just sort of left me and my Mum says if they hadn't I might not have gotten to this state (assuming the spirits are psychosis, which I disagree with). I've looked up the Early Intervention Team on the NHS site, and they do look extremely good - except I dont' have psychosis.

As to meds, she didn't see she could do anything with them for now whilst I'm still beign assessed and such, except for my distress and sleep, I've been advised to stop taking timazepam if I possibly can (and I agree and will do, it's not helping) and instead I'm going on 5mg Diazepam morning and 10mg night (sleep). This will be very short term and will be reviewed in like a week. I am so desperate to sleep, so I'm going along with everything and anything.

I agree I am on too much medication. The clomipramine is necessary definitely, it's saved my life with regards to my ocd. The abilify has done wonders for my psychotic features (I have psychotic features that aren't spirits or the things the spirits are doing to me, which I accepted was psychotic features ages ago, so you see I can tell the difference), and they all went mad on a lower dose (and side effects mad on a higher dose), carbamezapine however does nothign for me and I dont' see a need to be on it.

Also they said at the moment I have no conclusive diagnosis (Except the whole they think I'm psychotic thing) this I was really glad about, because I was under the impression (it's in my notes, and I thought I persuaded my last doctor that I didn't have it but my useless social worker says it's still there) that I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I completely disagree with this. I showed traits definitely, still do, and I pretty muc hfitted it when I was 16-17, but I was a teenager then and yeah I wont go into that now.

The spirits are a lot quieter. They have tried to choke me, but I'm feeling a lot stronger. Thank you for your support, it means so much to me. I hope I feel be able to support you all in the future. Sorry for the long update.

Edit, I think it's a EEG not CT. Confused, couldn't understand her properly. I'll find out though I suppose.

[Stellata]

It sounds like she did a really thorough check up with you.

I'm still here and listening and caring.

[snailonvalium]

it sounds like the meeting was really productive.hopefully they'll get things sorted quickly for you soon,so that you can start to get sleep,and get some time off from the spirits and stuff.
and hopefully come to some conclusion as to how best to treat you/meet your needs.
im glad the meeting went ok though!xx

[whirlpools]

the criteria and guidelines for referral to Early Intervention on the Rethink website state that a young person should be referred even if they are suspected of having psychosis, not just where there is certainty. so it might be that you do or don't. what i would say is that they could really, really help you and i wish i'd been referred and might do some investigation into why i wasn't.
i'm glad the meeting went well :) sounds like you approached it with maturity.

take care and i hope you sleep well tonight xxx

[Steel Maiden]

I am glad that things are going well. Keep it up. You're strong.

[craola]

Firstly my dear you are as always my inspiration and I think you are doing wonderfully, I am so proud of you. I'm going to our house in France for two weeks for some respite tomorrow so I hope things go well, we must catch up after, its been a while. You are doing so well though, I hope things keep up, stay strong :)

Secondly, too much medication wise I've decided to just go with the flow now, what is a lot for one person can be nothing to another and I'm only just starting to realise how true that is. As long as you're Doctor/Psych is a good one and you trust her then just go with it, they know what they are doing and as long as they are not a med happy doc you're ok. I'm on just under one gram a day and everyone is always shocked but its what it takes for me. I'm way over what I should be but I trusted both of my psychs and so do my parents.
I don't think that way for everyone, only when things are intense/extreme etc.

Thank you everyone for your replies and kindness, really appreciate it.
Today I am disccosiatedt/rancey/ scared of spirits/psychosis/epilepsy/brainscan/weekendholiday/ can't really articulate properly, fingers nt working as i'm nto proerly in my body, sorry to be a pain, just wanted to say thank yu and maybe get reassurance of whartever for te scareyness.

[Stellata]

What's the most anxiety provoking thing? Try talking about that...