...to see my arms covered from shoulder to fingertip in cuts and scars...
dont know why
not looking for a release or relief
just want the cuts and scars
i want to not be able to see skin at all...
i cant stop seeing it or get it out of my head.
and those who know me know by now im not the greatest at holding off or distracting.
I see it, i want , i do it...or some part of me does anyways
blah
I know all the consequences, i know i'll be sorry i did, regret it and the long sleeves etc, the disappointment for my hubby, hiding from my daughter etc...but that isnt helping....
sorry...dont know what i expect from this...
romp
i keep trying to think of all the tattoos i will ruin if i do this...and i love my tats...ALOT! lol.
Then having to explain, having to hide...al that hassle
and i still come back to
'so what?'
funny...i have been free for a year in july with three slips (rather bad ones unfortunately) but three only nonetheless...and for a good 6-7 months i have had NO urge, no inkling...i even got to wondering why i did it..as to me then it made no sense and i could see how negative it all was, how it only created more problems. i honestly thought i was over this. I truly did....
and now out of nowhere the urge to totally destroy has hit me.
I'm back to planning amputating my hand...i still have all i need for it, plan at the ready
it's awful to be faced with the knowledge that it really isnt gone...that it was sleeping only.
ineed to see blood
i need to have it so bad i need to have multiple staples in a go...
i can see it
i thought i had won...
romp
I'm so sorry I don't know what to say but this, please try to resist it...tell someone about it or something like that, try not to be alone right now.
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
thank you
i really dont want to tell my hubby as he is so excited about this weekend, plus just changing jobs...so to put this worry on him right now..i feel so horrible.
he gets pretty worried because he knows how bad i can get...
i will think about it tho...
thank so much for replying
romp
Can't you tell someone else besides him? I know what you mean, about not wanting to worry him but I think he'd want to know if you need his help, and I bet he wouldn't mind at all. Try to talk to him if it gets worse because even if you say nothing he'd see something's wrong eventually, wouldn't he? I just want you to be safe is all.
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
Im so sorry I got here late. I care for you so much. Your hubby will understand. I hope being out under the stars in a tent will bring you the peace you need.
Talk to you when you come back, and I want all the gossip
I'm sorry you feel like destroying your body so much.
Try distracting yourself... I'm sure you can do it.
You've stated the reasons for not doing it already - you can not do it.
keep safe.. pm anytime.
